Orchestra Personnel Standards

conductor

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a locomotive.

Is faster than a speeding bullet.

Walks on water.

Gives policy to God.

Concermaster

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a switch engine.

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on water if sea is calm.

Talks with God.

Oboist

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.

Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.

Talks with God if special request is approved.

Trumpet player

Barely clears a quonset hut.

Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.

Can fire a speeding bullet.

Swims well.

Is occasionally addressed by God.

Bassoonist

Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.

Is run over by locomotive.

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.

Dog-paddles.

Talks to animals.

second violinist

Runs into buildings.

Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.

Is not issued any ammunition.

Can stay afloat with a life jacket.

Talks to walls, argues with self.

Orchestra manager

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.

Says "Look at the choo-choo."

Wets self with water pistol.

Plays in mud puddles.

Loses arguments with self.

French horn player

Lifts buildings and walks under them.

Kicks locomotives off the tracks.

Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.

Freezes water with a single glance.

Is God.