A December Dilemma Solution
Posted: Sat Dec 14, 2002 10:41 pm
Subject: News Flash
Continuing the current trend back towards turn-of-the-century mergers, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both enterprises. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality services during the Fifteen Days of Chri$tmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating as "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miracles happen."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after eating meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
[The scary part is that this seems to have already occurred.]
Continuing the current trend back towards turn-of-the-century mergers, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both enterprises. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality services during the Fifteen Days of Chri$tmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating as "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miracles happen."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after eating meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
[The scary part is that this seems to have already occurred.]