Dear Mr. Cameron:

As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently

wrote your 15 year old daughter in response to a query we received from

her.

Dear Ms. Cameron.

Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your

father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to

find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a

few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a

moment.

In answer to your first question: In every picture extant of your

father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth

shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow

generally lasting from December until March--hardly the entire school

year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he

"struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit

exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact,

revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but

that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door

delivery.

I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed,"

as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to

uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans

with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal

rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message

easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his

shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he

rode the school bus with the window open.

As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember

the times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of

your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship",

"Ecology", and one which apparently was called "Relevance". We have no

record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records

we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he

claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior

year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was

required for graduation.

Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems

of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the

claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely

wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always

handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind

as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including

having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China

Syndrome.

Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council.

Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called

"The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat

in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive

girl strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the

club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently

serving time in a federal penitentiary.

One thing IS completely verifiable: your father's name is, indeed,

carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we

have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at

a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it

if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to

engage lawyers.

The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door,

it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to

whether his name is upon it.

Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be

sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.

This has to be one of the best parodies I have read in years. Although it's "timelieness" refers to when I was in college, it no less makes it point.

Thanks. I am going to print this one out.

Studlover (Ron)