At 13 I entered puberty. My dick was growing and the first few hairs had appeared. My body and mind were changing and I had no control over any of that. At school, or with my family, I was often hard for no reason and I was afraid that someone would notice the bulge in my pants. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a raging erection and an overpowering desire to play with it. As I'd give in to this desire I'd fantasize about being with a man or with another boy. Sometimes I'd fantasize about a man taking me without my consent. And there was more. I made friends with three older boys and once or twice a week we'd have after school jack off parties. I loved it but at the same time I was terrified that we'd be discovered and that everyone would know what sort of a boy I really was, a dirty boy. I suppose it was inevitable but a boy three years older than I was inserted his penis into my rear. It hurt like heck and I cried like a baby but I was on cloud nine with ecstasy. It was a wonderful sort of pain and after it was over I wanted to do it all over again. At times I was afraid that I was going nuts.
I'd always considered myself to be a good boy. My parents, my teachers, my neighbors and the parents of my friends all thought I was a good kid. But did good boys have such thoughts and did good boys do the things I was doing in secret? Absolutely not! What would people think if they knew what I really was, if they knew that I was a pint sized pervert. They'd hate me.
On one occasion I accepted a ride from a stranger, a man who I had never met before. In the car I sat near to him and kept looking at him so that he'd know that I liked him. I was very nervous having never done anything like this before. I told him that I needed money to repair my bike. The man said that he might be able to help me out if I was willing do let him do certain things to me. We negotiated a deal. He drove me to a remote location and I preformed my first "trick." I was wonderstruck when his erection came into view and I was terrified that it would be too big for me to take but at that point there was no turning back. He had me just where he wanted me. I cried uncontrollably when he put it in me but I loved every second of it. Once again I feared for my sanity.
I used the money I earned not to repair my bicycle, which was fine, but to buy my mom a Mother's Day gift. The gift was a scarf that my mom loved and often wore. I told mom that I earned the money by mowing lawns. Everytime I saw that scarf I was reminded how I really got the money, by letting some guy rape me.
I started a journal to better understand my feelings about sex and my gender identity. I was so confused about so many things but I felt sure that emasculation was the answer to my problems. At age 14 I resolved to be nullified but I was in no great hurry. I was having too much fun. Nullification could wait. The realization that I wouldn't have a dick forever only enhanced the enjoyment of my young sexual adventures.
I saw nullification as the light at the end of the tunnel and as a retribution to redress my evil deeds. It was possible for me to enjoy being a boy but at the same time understand that I wasn't going to remain male my entire life. Hyper sexuality was always my problem. I was in heat all the time always wanting more. It was a delightful torture. I was nullified six months ago at age 34. As a eunuch I still have a sex drive but it's much diminished. It's something I can manage. Being freed from the near constant need for sex is such a wonderful liberating feeling. For the first time since puberty I'm in control of my life and I couldn't be happier.
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