Something I wrote as I'm getting close to scheduling a surgery in Mexico. These are my thoughts only and I hope I'm not offending anyone with my use of words.

Nullification is just a big problem. In theory, it’s the ultimate embodiment of body-perfection, sexuality and aesthetics for bottom gay guys.

We never thought about it before, because our genitals were just “given”, and we learned to be indifferent of their existence down there. But the moment we discover there’s this concept of flat crotch, the mind refuses to let go - and it becomes an obsession.

Thanks to Twitter, many nullo men (or non binary) seeped into the mainstream gay sex scene. And it looks glamorous, glorious, and we all envy them. On reddit they banned the nullo handle altogether. It creates a dilemma. On many social media platforms it is considered promoting “self harm” and thus is banned. But some of us can’t let go of the idea, in spite of all the warnings and disadvantages.

At first it seemed to me like the natural thing for bottom gay guys. That one day will become so mainstream, that we’ll have to start asking on Grindr if someone is “intact” or not. Today I’m not sure of it. People are too conservative regarding their body, if they’re used to something, they tend to stay with it. Rationally, it is smarter than going to an unknown area with no going back.

Most of us will continue our lives fantasizing about this far fetched idea, leaving it in our deep corners or our mind, some will be hesitant for years before deciding to let go of it or finally submit to it, and some will be crazy enough, careless enough or brave, and will just go to a surgeon and do.

I might soon become one of them. The curiosity, the obsession, and knowing there is an olympus that is within reach - waiting for my decision. It seems that I will never manage to let go of it. I could wait a bit longer, I’m not in pain or suffering in my current situation. But I’ll do it soon, because I can’t see myself changing my mind in the future.

Nullification will certainly remain very uncommon even if the surgery will be cheap and available in every corner. And I suspect a significant portion if not majority of nullos are stright.

Of nullo decision the most important aspect is information on which the decision is made, not the time waited/wasted. Although after having all the required information, some waiting time is good, to absorb it emotionally. To live it through. To think in every situation "how would I feel now if I was nullo". There is no going back after you are nullified. Be prepared, accept being nullo at every possible moment the rest of your life.

It is important to know wether you will be nullo without hormones or with hormones. These are totally different mental states. Without hormones you wouldn't care much about your kinks anymore, wether you are nullo or not.

But yea, just waiting will not change the desire to get nullified or castrated.

Nullification is different for everyone who has been nullified. I didn't start out wanting to be nullified. Initially I started cutting my scrotum open. I don't know why. After several years, I became obsessed with the idea of castration, which initially was abhorrent to me, but then I could not shake the desire to be castrated, I was obsessed with the idea and could not stop thinking about it. In a fit of obsessive uncontrollable desire, I cut off my left testicle. I got a huge hematoma in my scrotum, but never went to a doctor. I couldn't stop. I continued to damage my remaining testicle, smashing it, until one day I damaged it beyond repair and it atrophied. My testosterone levels plummeted and Dr. Kimmel removed it and I was finally a eunuch. You'd think that would stop me and satisfy my desire, but not long after, I became obsessed with a penectomy and actually cut off my penis slowly, slice after slice, over a 2 year period. That only removed the visible penis and for the next five years I wanted the internal piece that was left removed, the inner stump. I just recently had that removed. So now, 97% of my penis has been removed, all of my scrotum, testicles and chords. I still have a prostate and a urethrostomy (reroute) to urinate from. I am a true nullo. I've said all of that because becoming a nullo or getting nullified is different for everyone, the journey is different, but the "why" is the same. It's a necessity that can't really be explained, it just has to be done.

Like Hash, I never set out to be nullified. It just started with a desire to damage my genitals and make them stop "tormenting" me with an over-active libido. As I went further, I came to the realization that I REALLY wanted them gone completely instead. I had killed my nuts with alcohol and had done major modifications to my penis (full bisection), I had orchiectomy 2 years ago, the scrotum removed last year, and will be finishing my nullification in a couple of weeks. I did not think I would EVER be able to get the last step done, but I found a gender health program in my University-based medical group that was very supportive and agreed to help.

I am actually curious about the demographics of those who have been nullified. Most of those I see that are active online are gay. I am not. If I have to label myself, I now consider myself non-binary/asexual (non-binary mainly as I am not presenting as a fully intact male). I am wondering if there are many asexual/heterosexual nullos that are just not active online because it really isn't that big a deal to them anymore.

You are heroes in my eyes!

My motivation is similar to yours, however I hate physical pain and am also afraid of harming the normal functioning of my body, as I do not understand anything in pharmacology.

I would never have been able to act like you so purposefully, step by step moving towards the result ...