I’m wanting to be a eunuch. The problem is that I’m naturally a very inwardly questioning person.

I’m bi, I’ve always been bi although I’m still not properly out due to the community I live in. I am sub. Very sub. I live in a very happy female led domme/sub marriage. I don’t dress up, I don’t consider myself a sissy etc. I just don’t have intercourse with my wife while she has quite a lit with many others. I also have a loose relationship with a younger very dom guy. This revolves around my worship of him and his abuse of my testicles. On top of all of this, I have wanted to be a eunuch for over two decades. I used to think it was a sexual fetish but as I age I want to feel like the eunuch identity more and more. I really want to get castrated and live as a de-sexed partner and plaything. I don’t hate my testicles but I don’t feel they fit my identity. I’m worried that I’ll regret getting castrated but also that I’ll regret not getting castrated and forever feeling like I’m not me. (I should mention that it takes me three months to decide on a pair of shoes sometimes due to not trusting my own judgment on my own life- strange as I make business decisions quickly everyday?)

I have tried speaking to “Counsellors,” but they all get instantly hung up on the cuckold part of my lifestyle and insist that maybe I just feel downtrodden or betrayed. I’m absolutely neither. If I didn’t want to live that way I wouldn’t. It’s my sexuality. However I can’t make such a strong decision when it comes to surgery.

Is there any good Counselling resources who can understand the gender side without getting hung up on the sexual side? I really don’t want to involve the UK NHS. I’d rather do the whole thing private, probably overseas.

Sorry if I’m rambling but I need some direction.

I have a relationship with my (male) partner which is incredibly solid. We are about to celebrate our ninth anniversary. But our sex lives are essentially separate. We are physically affectionate with each other, but we do sex in different ways, and consider ourselves poly. So to me, your relationship setup makes complete sense.

Counselling in the UK is pretty rubbish. The major schools of it are polluted by KCL's propaganda pump about somatisation and malingering, which plays into the factory-owner mindset of pushing responsibility onto the individual, where the responsibility wholly revolves around creating value for the economy. So it does not surprise me that they wouldn't get past the non-standardness of a poly relationship, and likewise they might well regard body mods as going against the grain of their general attitudes (hopefully this will change due to the new WPATH Standards of Care!)

The way I read what you said about not feeling 'properly out' made me think the issue about surgery doubts may revolve around fear of persecution. When I look inside myself on questions like the orchidectomy I'm fighting to get, I see how if I take away the anticipation others might view me negatively because of it, suddenly any apprehension is lifted. This reassures me that a lot of the adrenaline around the issue has to do with self preservation in a social context, not a divided mind on the thing itself. In honesty it is the same mixture of feelings I get in certain circumstances where I pray I'll pass as straight because I'm acutely worried about my safety in a given environment. This is minority stress, and interestingly the WPATH SoC talks about the impact of this stress in the Eunuch chapter.

I'd recommend reading a classic work of sociology dating from the time of the mid-century Civil Rights Movement. Though the examples and language are dated, Erving Goffman's 'Stigma' remains a very powerful text.

Something worth considering is --- if your testes just disappeared (e.g. cancer, accident, magic pixies), after 2 decades of positive interaction with the eunuch self-image I expect you would cope better than most if you discovered you'd actually prefer to be testiculated. Horror stories of regret and grief tend to come from people who feel some repulsion to detesticulation. This may include some adrenaline-junkie kinksters who dive into castration as edgeplay, but you have said you have moved beyond thrill to weighing up more grounded identity implications, so I think it sounds you are beyond that. Anyway, if you did lose your balls to a process that does not involve your 'moral career' (i.e., you can say it was not your decision so no-one should judge you for it), mull over whether that would change how you'd feel about the detesticulated state. Thought experiments like these can help tease out where feelings are coming from.

Whatever you find, and decide, you are thinking a lot more about the task of 'knowing thyself', so you have all my respect for that.

I'll add, as a person who has experienced this first hand, I doubt this desire inside you is going to go away after 20 years. The good news is you appear not to have sex with your wife, so you do not need your testicles for that. If you're worried about reproductive ability, get some sperm banked if you can. Otherwise, whilst not the same as the testosterone your body produces naturally, becoming a eunuch doesn't have to signal the end of your sexuality of masculinity.

You could very well get castrated, and function just as you do now, with Testoerone hormone replacement. I'd not fear getting castrated should you have this as a potential concern.

Ultimately it's a decision only you can make, but I hope this insight helps.

ScotsEunuch (imported) wrote: Thu Sep 22, 2022 8:07 am Is there any good Counselling resources who can understand the gender side without getting hung up on the sexual side? I really don

’t want to involve the UK NHS. I’

ScotsEunuch (imported) wrote: Thu Sep 22, 2022 8:07 am d rather do the whole thing private, probably overseas.

With Tely health now, it's easy to find a counselor. Casandra Damm in Chicago springs to mind, or lifeworks, also in Chicago. Check out their website.

Thanks for such an in-depth reply.

You’re correct about the coming out part. For me it’s less the Bi part. I think if I told everyone I was getting divorced as I was Bi people would be ok, at least to my face. It’s the Poly/Cuckold lifestyle that causes me to keep quiet in certain circles as most of my circle wouldn’t know how to cope with that. But as you said, I would have no issues having them removed if it was for medical intervention. It would be a relief. The decision would be made for me in that case. It’s making the decision myself that I struggle with.

I have wondered about HRT and accessing it in UK. I definitely don’t need to get an erection these days but we’re still intimate and I wouldn’t want to lose the desire to please my wife or my other partners.

After... your feelings for your partner will not change, they will even become softer and more refined...

As a catch-up to this thread: I’ve now started seeing a good councillor and have been discussing my lifestyle. We’re going to start exploring my gender identity this week.

ScotsEunuch (imported) wrote: Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:31 pm As a catch-up to this thread: I’ve now started seeing a good councillor and have been discussing my lifestyle. We’re going to start exploring my gender identity this week.

Glad to hear you are making progress in figuring things out. Hope all continues to go well...

If you aren't concerned about erections and so on, you might also consider looking at estrogen as an HRT option. IMHO you need one or the other, as there are to many physical and mental health risks to going hormone free, but either will do the job, and estrogen might be better at keeping your desire for intimacy and your preferred activity style...

WheelyCurious

This really resonated with me:

It’s great to know I’m not alone.