Sometimes I Still feel as if my testicles are still attached and I get a bit filled with something that must be emotion and not in rage but as what seems like a natural reaction I get the desire to pull them off. It's only then that I become aware again that this act is no longer necessary; that these things are forever gone.

But this feeling tells me that I'm still far from being out of the woods. I still have the other male parts. I worry that I still am subject to the old rage. It may be quieter now but still insistent that all my male be gone and for me to be the way I naturally should be which is femininely neuter.

And there are times when I feel as if my body is full of testosterone. My doctor assured me that without the testicles, I can only have a very minimal amount, so this feeling now must be the old feeling imprinted in my brain from a lifetime of discord over my sexuality and genderality.

This to me does mean that I do have the potential to act out some more on myself. WPATH is demanding of me a waiting period that likely will be a year. So how will I be able to keep myself safe the whole time? I feel as if I'm in danger and that the only real solution is to have the feminizing surgery as soon as possible and much sooner than a year. I just fear that during this period I don't have a way to stay safe.

In a way I can relate to what you are saying.

Since I did not have a radical orchiectomy as mine were removed through the scrotum, the cords to my balls remain iintact.

When I massage them I feel as though I still have balls and have similar sensations that I experienced when they were still attached.

There are other hormones that impact emotions, so having a test to measure the other hormones in your body might be a start.

There are many example of people who have lost limbs who have phantom feelings of pain, or that their limb is still attached.

Thus is it potentially possible that past feelings and emotions might be so imprinted on your memory that they seem to still exist.

Since I have no knowledge of your past or expectations for the future, I can not comment on the comments in the last paragraph in your post, other than to say, talk it over with a trusted friend, and seek a solution.

Best of everything to you in the future.

As photoglenn mentioned, the 'phantom limb' issue is very real, and applied to guy bits as well. If you search through the back posts you'll see a good many mentions of this... Apparently your brain expects to get the sense inputs that would come from the missing bits, and when it doesn't get it creates it's own...

Some report that it goes away in time.

In terms of your feeling a fear of potential self harm, it is worth pointing out that when the Draft SOC 8 becomes the 'official standard' - which we have been told by Jesus and friends that should happen next month (YEAAH!!!) you may be able to short circuit the waiting period. The draft says the waiting period is a 'Strong recommendation' but is NOT mandatory if there are situations that suggest avoiding it, and I believe concerns about potential self harm count as one of the reasons... Talk with your care team once SOC 8 gets official, preferably with the relevant parts in hand so you can point to the exact text, and see what they say....

WheelyCurious

as a leg Amutee, I can verify that ghost pains are real. and no fun.

I don't feel them when I am awake, but I have had multiple dreams where they are still attached. The difference is that in my dreams they are small and hard, something I never experienced when I had them.

If I could ever (whether awake or in a dream) feel my long-absent ones... it would only amuse me.

But I don't miss them at all .