Hi there Folks,

A month ago last Tuesday, My therapist said to me that as my depression has been relenting quite a lot now, it's time to maybe address the identity issues I had briefly mentioned previously.

So, with courage plucked up and loins girded, off I went last Tuesday. Determined to say all I had inside, no matter what.

And I did. As the conversation went on, I said that as far as I can see, I have come to realise that I'm not a man at all. I find many of men powerfully attractive, but I'm not one of them.

Although I recognise certain feminine traits in myself, I don't see that making me female either.

So, I said, I think I want to be made a eunuch. I would be very happy to have a boyfriend, but I can't be one. Identifying as a gay male was only part way to where I should be.

Since the session, who I am has turned all runny, and I'm casting about for an appropriately shaped vessel to pour myself into. All the world has gone like a Salvador Dali picture. I recognise all the parts, but it still doesn't quite make sense. My relationship with just about everything is shifting, morphing into some new thing.

I kind of feel like a hermit crab who has outgrown it's shell in the middle of an acid trip. Until I find a shell of best fit, I'm feeling rather vulnerable. It's scary and exhilarating all at at once. At times I'm still wondering if it wasn't all a dream. Everything is such a whirl.

But I'm free. In some way that I still don't understand very well, I'm free. I've been carting this surplus baggage around for forever, and it's so good to just put it down. But I'm finally free. Saying it out loud made all the difference. I'm not a man at all. And I'm finally free.

Just now, I'm so happy, it's unbelievable.

Regards,

Billy Blogs.

Hi there Folks,

.

BillyBlogs (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 29, 2022 8:51 pm Just now, I'm so happy, it's unbelievable.

Regards,

Billy Blogs.

It's also something ... If you're free and happy. Good luck, good luck to you.

Hi there Folks,

BillyBlogs (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 29, 2022 8:51 pm But I'm free. In some way that I still don't understand very well, I'm free. I've been carting this surplus baggage around for forever, and it's so good to just put it down. But I'm finally free. Saying it out loud made all the difference. I'm not a man at all. And I'm finally free.

Just now, I'm so happy, it's unbelievable.

Regards,

Billy Blogs.

Sounds like great progress - dumping the old baggage is the first step towards making room for getting a new collection Now you get to decide if you want the basic backpack or something more on the line of a Gucci designer set....

Good luck in figuring out your next steps on the journey....

WheelyCurious

attistoC (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 29, 2022 10:05 pm It's also something ... If you're free and happy. Good luck, good luck to you.

Thanks, attistoC. You are indeed right. This still gives me an incredible sense of lightness. Just knowing, and truly acknowledging who I am, and importantly, who I am not is making everything so much clearer. Better. Finally, so many things are falling into place. Happy and free. A good place to be.

Billy.

WheelyCurious wrote: Sat Apr 30, 2022 12:42 pm Sounds like great progress - dumping the old baggage is the first step towards making room for getting a new collection Now you get to decide if you want the basic backpack or something more on the line of a Gucci designer set....

Good luck in figuring out your next steps on the journey....

WheelyCurious

Thanks, indeed.

Although I want to test myself thoroughly, I can't help feeling I already know where things are going to go. Like yourself, I'm looking towards a chemical trial to see how that goes. My therapist is in agreement with me that things need to move along as quickly as is seemly. Time is short, I'm 62 and want to be making hay while the sun still shines.

I see you've stopped T supplement 6 days ago. I hope that can move you along towards some goal that alleviates your frustration.

Anyway, thanks for your good wishes, let me return them.

Billy.

BillyBlogs (imported) wrote: Sat Apr 30, 2022 5:22 pm Thanks, indeed.

Although I want to test myself thoroughly, I can't help feeling I already know where things are going to go. Like yourself, I'm looking towards a chemical trial to see how that goes. My therapist is in agreement with me that things need to move along as quickly as is seemly. Time is short, I'm 62 and want to be making hay while the sun still shines.

I see you've stopped T supplement 6 days ago. I hope that can move you along towards some goal that alleviates your frustration.

Anyway, thanks for your good wishes, let me return them.

Billy.

OOPS... I think we've been bit by the date ordering bug - I stopped the T supplement in March, so almost 6 weeks ago... It was basically to find out what my testicles were doing on their own, in order to figure out the dose for the next step. The with the T I was at 424 ng/d, without it, the doc expected me to drop to around 200, I was actually at 180, so good guess on her part.

Based on that I'm now waiting on my Lupron prescription, it should be at the local pharmacy for me to pick up on Wednesday May 4, so I will be starting chemical castration in just 5 more days... I can hardly wait!

Thanks for your good wishes.

WheelyCurious

BillyBlogs (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 29, 2022 8:51 pm Since the session, who I am has turned all runny, and I'm casting about for an appropriately shaped vessel to pour myself into. All the world has gone like a Salvador Dali picture. I recognise all the parts, but it still doesn't quite make sense. My relationship with just about everything is shifting, morphing into some new thing.

I kind of feel like a hermit crab who has outgrown it's shell in the middle of an acid trip. Until I find a shell of best fit, I'm feeling rather vulnerable. It's scary and exhilarating all at at once. At times I'm still wondering if it wasn't all a dream. Everything is such a whirl.

Billy Blogs.

I certainly relate to that, Billy, profoundly.

when I stated to see that I was an act and an illusion, it was uncomfortably liberating. i was a bare rooted plant floating in the river of all things. More specifically I was a product of a lie trying to make sense of another lie and a collection of little boxes which people had told me to cram into my human shaped body. Indeed I am weak of mind, but it was existentially painful to not understand what was and what is. I feel at least a step closer to comprehending all of 'it'.

But after attempting suicide and torturing myself, starving my self and drinking my mind to oblivion and back, I see that nothing is in any box, and the boxes are the illusions i preoccupied myself with daily, and the individual entities are only as they are currently because that which I name is oblivious to my naming of it and once I have named something suddenly I am oblivious to its true nature which is free to change. I label this red pencil as such due to its function in relation to me (coloring in red) but it's personality is something I will not ever understand from any mortal perspective, perhaps it dreams of being a log once more, or maybe it thinks that it is a dragonfly frozen in a lake....

Am I really a human, human law says I am because of how I appear, so I have to agree when I talk to humans. my true essence feels more fluid, I am the moment the fox notices a dewdrop catch the light of sunrise, the space swirling in a drain when powerless water is prompted to descend, and the mirror smashing into the many pieces of who it is meant to be. The bird catching the mouse eating the corn. Or maybe I am just a brain seizure. But somehow that makes less sense to me.

NavigatingPsychosis (imported) wrote: Mon May 02, 2022 5:59 am I certainly relate to that, Billy, profoundly.

when I stated to see that I was an act and an illusion, it was uncomfortably liberating.

I love that expression, uncomfortably liberating. That's exactly it. A place of absolute freedom, but without anything to hold on to either.

Is spite of your reply being a bit cryptic, it makes good sense, believe you me. We're talking about things for which there is no real language, so we're confined to skirting around, suggesting and hinting.

It's hurtful, reading about journeys like yours. Understandable too. We're from an age of narrowness of mind. It's blowing mine how rapidly this wave of change is being adopted socially though, after the shit-fight for gay rights.

Anyway, that which we know cannot become unknown again. And I now know what I'm not. What you say about labels being problematic really rings true. My issue there is being on the autism spectrum, I very much like things to be eternally the same, always knowable, and well labelled. So much for that eh? This dispassionate universe couldn't give two knobs of goat shit for what I want or need. Everything is eternally in flux, and I better get used to it.

We can create. We can destroy. C'mon, Lets do the dance of Shiva!

regards,

Billy.