dee2essohkay (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 05, 2021 8:37 am i have a very difficult time because i hate male. this unfortunately is just not what resides as a physical part of me and what it does to my brain, but i cringe when i see a man with a beard - when i see a man being masculine however that manifests. suit and tie, jogging clothing, etc. i hate what i perceive as male talk - even on this site. talking about parts or whatever. it just troubles me so much. i don’t like isolating myself this way, but it always happens. i don’t know if it is fear of male or fear of man - men. but i do believe i am and have been trying to seek refuge in women/woman, femininity, as if that is safety. i’m not sure why. maybe i see girls and women as comrades in the fight against perpetrators/oppressors. i think this is the origin of the war that exists in me. i’m so weary - so tired. so disrupted. i wish i could find peace but i think my terror not only terrorizes me but those i communicate with. i think it is natural for people to back away. that leaves me with not much help finding a way out of this quicksand.

what i’ve been doing is attacking the male in me all my life. for this reason i believe i’ve always wanted to be eunuch. but maybe i see femininity as some kind of safety once i accomplish my eunuch goal - if i ever accomplish my eunuch goal.

i wonder if this is typical, or different or what. i wonder if anyone shares any of this with me. to me it is a constant nightmare and torture that is my life and i apparently push people away without even wanting to and i doubt there is a way to undo that, but maybe there is. i just think people think i’m not being sincere. like people think i can’t really be the way i describe. it seems to fit into the category of “that is not how it works”. i wish someone would give me a clue since i must be clueless.