me, i have been having great difficulty in expressing and or being understood about what i am. i see it as having to end my self harm and it has to be done by going from male to eunuch and then in time if i feel it is going to be right, to go from eunuch to female. i’m old. i don’t plan on looking for sex. anyway, i’m married and don’t want to leave my wife. unfortunately she is not accepting of my expressed desire to be castrated. and unfortunate also, that i’ve been to a hospital that helps trans people and they were expecting me to go on female hormones for a year first. i understand those WPATH standards of care, but they are inapplicable for me. i actually feel that following these standards and going straight to female are completely not what i want or need.

like i say in the title of this post, i feel i’m in an emergency situation. to put it in very simplified terms, i’m practically overwhelmed with an impetus to self castrate rather than take the time that the trans establishment requires. i’m 69 years old. i’ve been self harming all my life. i’m so tired. and i’ve been attacking the male in me all my life. i’ve also been totally in fear of letting anyone know who and what i really am. i need to take the step and be a eunuch. i believe that will free me to think without obstruction what i should do next. remain eunuch or move toward female. to me either works but being without hormones seems like the best possible starting point. i understand why i need them. male or female are options but i need free time with no more self harm and no hormonal influence.

i don’t want to endanger myself with self castration, but getting the trans medical community to accept my specific needs so far has only presented road blocks. that is why i’m here now. two doctors in that trans medical community have suggested that i might be able to find resources to help me with my needs within the eunuch community. i think i’ve been doing everything right. i’m in an intensive therapy program. i’ve gone to a medical organization that is specifically for trans people seeking gender surgery. yet i’m still stuck. this has been making me have thoughts of doing the job myself. it is easy to tell me to just not do it, but in the heat of the moment, i’m afraid i might. that alone might disqualify me from having it done the right way. so i need to make this happen in a good way. so this is my intro… thanks for reading.

Welcome to the EA, you're not alone! I myself am a nullo, but was a eunuch (only testicles removed) for about ten years before I had the rest of my external male parts removed a few years ago.

I see your situation as being 3 distinct issues.

First, You have said you're engaging in self-harm. While I understand your desire, please do your level best to avoid doing any more if you can. What I will say is given your self-diagnosed dysphoria (which is the official term - gender dysphoria), when you find the right kind of therapist, they can help you start on the path to achieving the right body and achieving some peace in your life.

Second, you are married and have another person involved. Once you find the appropriate therapist, bring her along if you can. I'm sure you wanting to do this is a shock to her, so talking to someone may help her as well. Ask her if she would be willing to go see a therapist, together with you, that works with folks like us. If she won't go, go on your own. With the things you say in here, it's important you get some support to help you sort your feelings and manage the anxiety I'm sure you have about your situation.

Third, There ARE medical professionals who can help you. You're lucky in that you appear to be in the New York City area. If there is anywhere in the USA where you can find help, that would be the place. If the decision is to ultimately proceed to surgery and have your testicles removed, the process of getting the therapist support you need to have a surgeon agree to provide the treatment should be available somewhere in your area. You might have to travel if surgery is the solution, but there ARE doctors willing to remove healthy testicles in this situation, so long as you get the therapist support.

You are among friends here, please ask us questions. Myself and many others here have been where you are right now. Feeling alone in the desire and not sure what to do. Let us help you feel less alone.

--LT

Losethem (imported) wrote: Wed Nov 10, 2021 3:31 pm Welcome to the EA, you're not alone! I myself am a nullo, but was a eunuch (only testicles removed) for about ten years before I had the rest of my external male parts removed a few years ago.

I see your situation as being 3 distinct issues.

First, You have said you're engaging in self-harm. While I understand your desire, please do your level best to avoid doing any more if you can. What I will say is given your self-diagnosed dysphoria (which is the official term - gender dysphoria), when you find the right kind of therapist, they can help you start on the path to achieving the right body and achieving some peace in your life.

Second, you are married and have another person involved. Once you find the appropriate therapist, bring her along if you can. I'm sure you wanting to do this is a shock to her, so talking to someone may help her as well. Ask her if she would be willing to go see a therapist, together with you, that works with folks like us. If she won't go, go on your own. With the things you say in here, it's important you get some support to help you sort your feelings and manage the anxiety I'm sure you have about your situation.

Third, There ARE medical professionals who can help you. You're lucky in that you appear to be in the New York City area. If there is anywhere in the USA where you can find help, that would be the place. If the decision is to ultimately proceed to surgery and have your testicles removed, the process of getting the therapist support you need to have a surgeon agree to provide the treatment should be available somewhere in your area. You might have to travel if surgery is the solution, but there ARE doctors willing to remove healthy testicles in this situation, so long as you get the therapist support.

You are among friends here, please ask us questions. Myself and many others here have been where you are right now. Feeling alone in the desire and not sure what to do. Let us help you feel less alone.

--LT

thanks. I've been feeling very strange lately and finding it difficult to put concentrated thought into all the information I have been getting. I seem to have finally surrounded myself with kind people offering help. and I do appreciate that, but I've also done something to myself and I don't know what that is. could my own self assaulting of the parts I loathe be taking its toll? I certainly hope so because doing the medically safe method has been proving to be so taxing. but I'm also afraid of what I do to myself and so weary. people call me a self harmer but how can destroying these things be harm? but why is there so much pain of all kinds if I do it or I don't?

dee2essohkay (imported) wrote: Thu Nov 11, 2021 3:55 am thanks. I've been feeling very strange lately and finding it difficult to put concentrated thought into all the information I have been getting. I seem to have finally surrounded myself with kind people offering help. and I do appreciate that, but I've also done something to myself and I don't know what that is. could my own self assaulting of the parts I loathe be taking its toll? I certainly hope so because doing the medically safe method has been proving to be so taxing. but I'm also afraid of what I do to myself and so weary. people call me a self harmer but how can destroying these things be harm? but why is there so much pain of all kinds if I do it or I don't?

You're asking quite the "Chicken-n-egg" problem at the end of your latest. It is difficult.

The good news is you've finally found a group here with people that have been through what you're feeling. Myself? I was in misery, and absolutely hated all that stuff between my legs. However... I still felt like I am a man. Today I'm living just that way, as a man who has had everything between his legs removed.

The core of your problem as I see it is so far you've not found folks who have the knowledge to help you. The solution may or may not be to have your testicles/genitals removed. Finding the right kind of therapist can help you sort this. I cannot emphasize that enough - You need to find the right kind of therapist.

The medically safe option is on the table for you, you simply need to know where to look. As for where you're at, you're in a relationship, so another person is necessarily involved. Things to take into consideration, do you have sex with your spouse? What is their expectation for a continued relationship? Is your desire overwhelming your relationship to the point it's tense? And so on... These are the types of questions you should be asking yourself, though I'm sure inside you have many more. The good news is YOUR SPOUSE KNOWS, this makes things significantly easier to talk about The hard part is done, revealing this about yourself to your spouse has likely been the most difficult part.

I suppose all this is a long way to asking, what is it you're needing? What do you need from us here? Lot's of us have been through this, but your situation seems particularly acute at this point. Do you need our support? Help finding resources? Something else?

None of us here like to see a guy suffer with this, and we'd like to help if we can. Again, the ultimate solution may or may not involve surgery, but I'd strongly advise an effort to locate resources than can help you sort this all out.

--LT

Losethem (imported) wrote: Thu Nov 11, 2021 10:56 am You're asking quite the "Chicken-n-egg" problem at the end of your latest. It is difficult.

The good news is you've finally found a group here with people that have been through what you're feeling. Myself? I was in misery, and absolutely hated all that stuff between my legs. However... I still felt like I am a man. Today I'm living just that way, as a man who has had everything between his legs removed.

The core of your problem as I see it is so far you've not found folks who have the knowledge to help you. The solution may or may not be to have your testicles/genitals removed. Finding the right kind of therapist can help you sort this. I cannot emphasize that enough - You need to find the right kind of therapist.

The medically safe option is on the table for you, you simply need to know where to look. As for where you're at, you're in a relationship, so another person is necessarily involved. Things to take into consideration, do you have sex with your spouse? What is their expectation for a continued relationship? Is your desire overwhelming your relationship to the point it's tense? And so on... These are the types of questions you should be asking yourself, though I'm sure inside you have many more. The good news is YOUR SPOUSE KNOWS, this makes things significantly easier to talk about The hard part is done, revealing this about yourself to your spouse has likely been the most difficult part.

I suppose all this is a long way to asking, what is it you're needing? What do you need from us here? Lot's of us have been through this, but your situation seems particularly acute at this point. Do you need our support? Help finding resources? Something else?

None of us here like to see a guy suffer with this, and we'd like to help if we can. Again, the ultimate solution may or may not involve surgery, but I'd strongly advise an effort to locate resources than can help you sort this all out.

--LT

i’ve lived most of my life generally dissociated in a very functional way. in time you’ll get a good idea of what i mean. but i’ve always had feminine inclinations that i hardly experimented with. had i been born in a more enlightened time I’d probably have simply chosen to become a woman. but over the years and troubles of my life, i began to attack the masculine parts of me more and more. i don’t know how much i can say here, but i’ve noticed that i do not have the privilege to reply or send private messages or i just don’t know how to do it. i did not see a way to.

i’ve been to a trans surgery establishment near where i live. one would think they’d be more receptive however WPATH SOC prohibits treating me in the way i need. i even contacted WPATH and communicated the person who co-authored the chapter on eunuchs. He did help a bit but it seemed to also revert to the help being no help. this is also what i encountered with the psychiatrist at the trans place. since the time i met with that person, i also met with an endocrinologist who enlightened me a bit. …that if i am ok with testosterone therapy after the orchiectomy that might be the solution.

it was suggested by the psychiatrist that i spend a year living as a eunuch, much like a male to female person would live on female hormones for a year before surgery and i was opposed to that since my primary objective (i’ll explain further in this reply), is to lose the male. others suggested that i try testosterone blockers prior to surgery and this may apparently be what the psychiatrist had in mind however the endocrinologist pointed out that without testicles or with blocked testosterone there is a risk of spontaneous bone fracture. this is why it was suggested that if i get the orchi i agree to testosterone after. (honestly being on testosterone after seems kind of silly if i’m getting rid of the balls to get rid of the hormones.) but if it gets me the surgery, i agree.

other bridges can be crossed after surgery! one being moving on to total female both with hormones and the complete trans surgery. i see this as what it would be like living in a perfect world assuming i’d never be offered to start life all over as a woman. but i’m not sure i’d be happy about being a woman now only because of my age and the fact that i have a family that i don’t want to leave. this might be too disruptive to them. i also don’t want to waste any more time with processing, thinking, considering etc. i really am endangered by my own self harm. so it is difficult to just wait indefinitely. i want to do what is necessary to get an orchiectomy as close to immediately as possible.

i presently have an upcoming appointment with that psychiatrist again and this time being more able to express my desires and the fact that the endocrinologist pointed out and my willingness to be on testosterone after surgery, it may be oked. if so i will do it the first chance i get - even that day if possible. i see the urologist surgeon a few days later. it could actually all fall into place.

on the other hand, since i’ve been so roadblocked up to now, i have to wait and see it to believe it.

if that does not go through, i’ll need to find a surgeon who is not tied to those WPATH rules and is willing to do the surgery. I don’t know how to find such a doctor and i was told that i might be able to find such resources on this site. i’m not interested in anything that is not legal, far away like across the country, or in another country. and it was the doctors who abide by WPATH who suggested coming here. so maybe i’ve answered the question? i’m happy to explain more if i’ve left a lot of blanks - some things may be better told in private if i can actually do that. and thanks much for your reply, it is making me feel significantly less hopeless.

Ah, that is the issue.... you can't reply to PM's or send them until you've made at least 5 messages here in the public forums. Should you reply to this, you'll be at #4 in this thread alone.

I'm going to be blunt. Your issue is entirely you have not got the right care team in place. Or put another way, they are actively blocking you and not really giving you a reason as you seem to not be completely male nor completely female in what your desired outcome is. They are obviously stuck on the gender binary, seeming to have absolutely no idea there is a path for you in the current SOC 7, nor that there is a new SOC 8 coming hopefully at the beginning of 2022 which will address eunuchs and other non-binary people.

This is once again a LONG way of saying you have to shake up your care team. Clearly they're not understanding who you are or what the needed level of support for a person like us is.

I'd really start looking into other therapists. I'd seek out one that works with transgender AND non-binary individuals, and preferably one that is not themselves transgendered having made a complete transition from one gender to the other. I had a good one, but they are out in California. I'd have to believe that somewhere in New York there is a gender therapist who will, "get it." One that will understand better who we are, and not be stuck in the binary classifications of gender therapy and support.

--LT

I'm a kinda off limits patient. the kind therapists would rather not have because so much of my troubles give the appearance of having no cause. I've been called a hard nut to crack. and those are the words of a professional psychologist.

a few years ago when my then employer changed health insurance plans, my therapy program did not accept the new insurance so therapy ended abruptly. I had been planning on going back to the therapist I'd been seeing before but she was not accepting my new insurance either. it took me eight months to find a new therapist. most places appeared to be quite welcoming but by the end of intake they each would tell me they did not feel they'd be appropriate for me.

at the time I had not been able yet to be honest openly about my sexuality or ambiguity or plurality. so I never tried to seek out a therapist who specializes in gender issues. the woman I found, prior to the program I'm in now I think does not really want me to become a woman or eunuch. though kindly never objected (that is to say, she always went along with what I'd say, but I couldn't help feeling her acceptance was labored). I find similar now in my intensive program throughout - which includes the participants of group therapy. I brought that up, but somehow everyone seems to move toward suggesting how I can process my feelings and address my obvious past trauma, and always make me feel what I perceive as everyone's hesitance when it comes to castration.

I come from a childhood with two sexual abusers both of whom abused my sister. and there is cause to consider that the abuse was to me as well but I have no memory of anything. and just as I'm writing this now, I'm suddenly considering that my trauma may be the realization that I'm male - realizing I am something I hate being yet could not accept confronting as a very young child. this may have been too much for me and sent me into a lifetime of denial and a constant effort to emulate my father who himself was one of the abusers. not a good role model and only leading me into bad places and making me hate myself all the more.

it's only my constant efforts to break that down through misdirected self harm plus working hard at therapy and a persecutory alter that lives in me that has led me to a better understanding of who and what I am. and that is not really self hate but masculinity hate and realizing I find safety and comfort in both neutrality and femininity. yet still feel like not abandoning my male accomplishments and some of the reasons I chose that course. this right now is a bit of a revelation to me. and there's still much more I could explain now. but this is a good point to take a little rest.

I’d find someone to prescribe blockers and estrogen by “informed consent”. No therapist needed and the estrodiol protects your bones. With 2mg/day of estrodiol you will get all the health benefits with only light feminization and you can always cut back to 1mg if things move too fast. Of course, orchidectomy and estrogen would be far better because all t blockers have some sort of side effects.

thank you. I think i should definitely take this into consideration. if feminization is moderate that sounds pretty good. I really want them to say yes already. there must be a way.

hey today is sunday august 21, 2022. i forgot that i even posted here when i arrived and wondered about it so i took a look. i was wondering what i might have said and if what i say now is in keeping with what i said here. i think i’m still pretty much the same though i’ve been thinking becoming androgynous is a good place to settle because how that will manifest in my mind accomplishes a degree of femininity that i like and still a bit of masculinity (maybe) while also hopefully being neither. i feel very comfortable with the idea of it not being known. that seems good to me. maybe i can achieve this just by my body gradually getting less masculine over months or years since i no longer have T in my body. then again, i am still considering going on estrogen for a while. but that is still under consideration and i am ok with that. if i shave my face more frequently that could even be enough. unless i’m imagining things. maybe someone will let me know eventually if my lack of masculinity does show. anyway, here is where i am now and just as long as i’m able to get the rest of the surgery, to finally put my mind at ease, things will be good. i do have occasional mild emotional outbursts and hot flashes - some pretty intense, but my bone density is good so we will see how things progress. been a eunuch since my march 2022 orchi.