I really don't know if there is a better place for this to be posted but here goes.

Sense I was about 11-12, right around the age of puberty I've hated my penis and testicles. I would have VIVID fantasies of them being taken away from me in different ways or combinations, some times just my penis, sometimes my testicles and sometimes both. I even tried doing things to them myself like tying them off and seeing how cold they would get or how much it would have to hurt before I undid the rubber bands or bits of yarn. But the fantasies that stand out the most looking back were the ones where my genitals weren't just being taken away but replaced. With what I didn't know I was a kid and hadn't even had a sex-ed class yet but I knew something was wrong.

Fast forward 10ish years; As I got older and learned more about my body and sexuality, I eventually came out as gay and started dating but the fantasies never went away, just got quieter as I started to experiment. I discovered that whereas I enjoyed sex that I didn't really like topping or using my penis for sex, often just faking an orgasm while I was inside my partner in preference of focusing more on helping them achieve release instead.

Eventually the fantasies and distaste for my body started creeping back in. I knew more now from searching the internet and the words castration, penectomy and nullification entered my lexicon. I would spend hours every day looking for images, stories, anything I could get my hands on.

Other things started to show up too, words like transgender, and I would see before and after photos of men who had transitioned into women, but where as I found that interesting it didn't click with me. But about the same time photos of women that had transitioned to men also started showing up and THAT did put a spark in me. For the first time I saw a body that I really could relate to. I wanted to be them. I wanted have the masculine body they had, the one that didn't come with a penis and testicles but with a vagina taking their place.

I'm 36 years old now and I'm still stuck with these parts I don't want. I want bottom sex reassignment surgery so that I can exist in the body I'm supposed to have. I get really emotional when ever I consider how things started when I was a kid and where I am now. When I'm alone at home or in my car I've even come to tears from the frustration this causes me. I lose sleep thinking about this. I have a hard time concentrating on work some days because I'm too preoccupied trying to come up with ways to vocalize this need I have with a professional.

I no longer identify as male per say taking on non-binary as my preferred gender. I still respond to he/him (pronouns really don't matter to me) and still prefer my masculine outer appearance but I'm having a harder and harder time living with what I was born with.

How do I even start talking to a therapist about this? How do I convince them that what I need is to transition so I can finally get some peace?

Start looking for a therapist who deals with non binary gender issues, do research online, talk to others in same position. Your not alone.

Aiden1985 (imported) wrote: Mon Aug 16, 2021 3:17 am Other things started to show up too, words like transgender, and I would see before and after photos of men who had transitioned into women, but where as I found that interesting it didn't click with me. But about the same time photos of women that had transitioned to men also started showing up and THAT did put a spark in me. For the first time I saw a body that I really could relate to. I wanted to be them. I wanted have the masculine body they had, the one that didn't come with a penis and testicles but with a vagina taking their place.

I'm 36 years old now and I'm still stuck with these parts I don't want. I want bottom sex reassignment surgery so that I can exist in the body I'm supposed to have. I get really emotional when ever I consider how things started when I was a kid and where I am now. When I'm alone at home or in my car I've even come to tears from the frustration this causes me. I lose sleep thinking about this. I have a hard time concentrating on work some days because I'm too preoccupied trying to come up with ways to vocalize this need I have with a professional.

I no longer identify as male per say taking on non-binary as my preferred gender. I still respond to he/him (pronouns really don't matter to me) and still prefer my masculine outer appearance but I'm having a harder and harder time living with what I was born with.

Some time I was interested in similar questions too. I with big enthusiasm watched show TV, documentaries and read articles in the press about sex change. I was made sober by messages about people which did surgeries on sex change, but after a while they were disappointed in it. Some even did repeated operation to return a former state. Especially I do not like the fact that it is necessary to take the hormonal drugs...

Most people are familiar with MTF and FTM as a gender identity.

MTE (Male to Eunuch) and MTN (Male to Nullo) is a gender identity. Doctors recognize that a male can wish to remain male after having his genitals removed. For a male that wants to remain male following nullification surgery, testosterone replacement would be required. A male without genitals can remain fertile if he stores sperm before the surgery. At 36 years old, it's not unreasonable to think you might want to father children under the right circumstances.

Granted, not every doctor has come around to this conclusion yet. Most will send you to a therapist who can help.

Some MTN people have some level of annoyance at having to be diagnosed with a “condition” in order to receive the surgery that will give them a body that matches their mind. Some hate completely hate having to jump through hoops for a surgeon to help them. Others don't much care as long as the end result is that their body matches their identity.

Here are some doctors that will perform the surgery you need. They are all medical doctors with a license to practice:

MoZaic Care Dr. Heidi Wittenberg and Dr. Adam Bonnington

https://www.mozaiccare.net/nullification located in San Francisco

The Mexico Transgender Clinic does Nullification Surgery Dr. IvanAguilar at http://mexicotransgendercenter.com/nullification/

Arnkoff, Marc M.D. I couldn't find a website but, I know someone will find it for you.

Also, if money is a huge issue, you can try Asia. When COVID goes away, travel will be easier.

I'd avoid Dr. Arnkoff for anything other than orchiectomy only. His results for other surgeries leave a lot to be desired after. Most of those where he's removed the penis, the result is a mottled mess after.

So, the route I would recommend is finding a therapist who works with non-binary or transgender populations and starting there. The reputable doctors inside of the US who are willing to help you achieve your goal, will likely require therapist support first. These doctors will consult with you, but the will not agree to the surgery to reconfigure your genitals without the letter(s).

Aiden1985 (imported) wrote: Mon Aug 16, 2021 3:17 am I really don't know if there is a better place for this to be posted but here goes.

I no longer identify as male per say taking on non-binary as my preferred gender. I still respond to he/him (pronouns really don't matter to me) and still prefer my masculine outer appearance but I'm having a harder and harder time living with what I was born with.

How do I even start talking to a therapist about this? How do I convince them that what I need is to transition so I can finally get some peace?

It is great that you take on a non-binary gender identity. You are not alone. I have many friends who were born in one gender, and did not feel comfortable as male or female. Some of them don't even feel comfortable being referred to as "they/them." I would suggest you look for therapists familiar with gender identity challenges to help you along finding the gender identity that you feel most comfortable with. Also, like me, I moved to San Francisco, where there are community support groups for anyone along the gender identity continuum. Also, understand that many people, including many on EU are on our own journeys. We may change over time.

Absolutely, I also agree with the comment to NOT think about surgeries at this time. First and foremost, take your time to find out identity that you feel you're most at home. Again, it's totally all right not to know as you proceed with your journey. In fact, try to enjoy the journey.

This is an older thread, so I don't know if Aiden is still active or not, but I'd agree with the adbvice about not rushing into surgery or anything else irreversible.

I would strongly recommend to him (or anyone else exploring this path) to go 'professional' by looking to see if there is a 'transgender clinic' in your area. I've heard that there are getting to be clinics associated with most major hospitals. My experience and what several of the folks on the board w/ relevant professional experience is that the standards have changed to be a lot more flexible in what your options are and the people there will have more experience than most in helping you explore what you want and finding a solution.

Good luck on the journey,

WheelyCurious