kazimirmanxie2044 (imported) wrote: Mon May 31, 2021 4:30 pm Recently I dropped my estrogen dose from 16mg injections with blockers to 4mg Estradiol Valerate pills with 50mg of cyproterone acetate. So far things have been really hit and miss given having a lustrous libido and its always my goal to stop it dead in its boots. To my own dismay I have a sudden onset of what maybe galactorrhea or for whatever reason I may have thyroid/pituitary problems raising the hormone prolactin in my body. It has been a week since it first happened, I remember the initial onset of having what appeared to be engorged areolas with a small amount of pain, akin to pricking your finger on something sharp. I decided that something wasn't right and my initial reaction was to check the breast tissue for any weird lumps since I thought at the time it could've been cancer related. I squeezed my breast tissue and good lord, I accidentally got shot in the face by a stream of liquid.

Upon knowing this, I checked whether this was either bilateral or unilateral; and the otherside told the same story. Squeezing the otherside, a pale white runny liquid emerged from my nipple; there was no transparency, nor was doing this painful in anyway. I let a bead of this liquid run down on to my hand and between my fingers, it was slightly sticky that the same way pre-ejaculate is, it was also warm to the touch. My final test exploring this phenomena not natal to my birth sex nor biology; I did what anyone would do in this situation. Overrun with curiosity, I tasted whatever my nipples excreted and was met with something that can only be best described as dilute goats milk. Great. Now what? Somehow, I managed to induce lactation. Its been going on for a little over a week now, and I regularly need to drain else it becomes slightly painful; I could drain each side 30 minutes each over a sink but within 20 minutes things are back to how they were before I even started draining. My output has only increased ten fold. I'm not sure how to feel or whether I need to get this checked out. On one hand, there is a certain amount of pleasure that can derived from doing this, nothing that is sexual in nature but more akin to "this is okay I guess"; but on another hand there is an intense amount of guilt from how perverse this is. It is quite literally misogynistic to be able to do this, its a perversion on what it is to be female. A natal male, lactating? Ew, gross.

I'm in serious conflict with myself, as a eunuch-wannabe on one hand I didn't want breasts or to be feminized in any sort of way. My goals are to abstain from sex, while reversing some of the virilization that had ruined my body to begin with, to have an alternative way to live as a male without the narcissism and mindlessness that comes with neogender ideology. And now, I can lactate. And its perverse that I can get some degree of enjoyment from it. I am wracking my head here, I am not sure where to begin. Its a nuisance, but at the same time mildly amusing like a party trick. Is this my nature? Is this my body? I'm straying further from the goals I'd set myself. My problem is, I am unwilling to stop medicating because of the fear of obtaining an erection, if I go to the doctor to get bromocriptine (a D2 receptor agonist); because my sex hormones are entirely exogenous at this point; then agonizing the D2 receptor would only serve to increase the amount of breast milk I can excrete. Bromocriptine would only work if I were not chemically castrate and were to get off my medication I self-prescribe myself. I cannot overstate how horrible obtaining an erection is for me, and is absolutely something I cannot and will not experience for as long as I can live if I can take extreme preventative measures against it.

I am not degenerate am I? I feel wrong.

kazimirmanxie2044 (imported) wrote: Sat Jun 05, 2021 1:19 am I would like to make a small update, its been nearly two weeks since its first happened, my breasts feel flatter or much softer, and I am getting pins and needles bilaterally. I can still lactate, however this pain is a little sore to touch and feels more like a burning sensation. Among other things, I keep getting testicular pain in the one testicle I possess. I have no idea what the actual hell is going on, the radiator isn't on at night yet I am burning up; my body feels like an unstable nuclear reactor. I have no idea what this breast pain is knowing that i haven't had any pain to speak of since month 3 or 4 of my chemical castration/hormone regimen; and it has been 12 months so far.

I know its to early to tell, but could it be that the stimulation of my nipples by draining milk from my nipples has caused me to start progressing beyond tanner stage 2 or is this just what women feel like during menopause? I really don't want to lose the ability to lactate, I know its degenerate, but I have never had any sort of pleasure derived from my genitalia all my life; and to feel something close as to what people probably feel when they masturbate, I dunno. Its nice. It brings me joy, like the same feeling of waking up to snow falling that happens once every 4 or so years. It feels like, the missing bolt in a motorcycle finally put back in place and hearing the engine roar and feeling the heat from the exhaust splutter healthy light grey puffs of smoke. It feels like being brought to life after being dead for a millennia. It feels familiar yet new like rereading a book from your childhood. I feel like I have this weird connection to something I should've had.

When I think about myself, I dont think "woman". While I maybe chemically the same as a Male-to-Female, I know where my heart and my head is. I want to get an orchiectomy, but I cannot afford it and it hurts. Apparently, you can get a testicular tumor from cyproterone acetate if you stay on it long enough. Perhaps if I am lucky, maybe I wont have to wait for the rest of my fleeting youth to achieve the body my pre-pubescent self dreamed of, I never wanted to grow into a man.