I have an appointment with my shrink to start my own nullo journey on next Tuesday the 16th. I am totally and insanely nervous as I have never shared that I want to be a nullo with another offline human before. I have literally carried this around, without telling another non-cyber person, since I was 6 (almost 40, so 34 years). So, I'm a little terrified to say the least.

I had a consultation for a nullification surgery RIGHT before the world fell apart. Had to cancel...obviously. Rescheduled, when things calmed down a little, but ultimately had to cancel when we had that spike after Thanksgiving. Getting ||<That close TWICE to a consultation (now three times, re-re-scheduled for April 15) had a weird effect on my brain. Combine that with the isolation of the lockdown/social distacing, plus I'm re-evaluating my sexuality, it set off some serious dysphoria I never knew I had. That, in turn, caused some serious depression. I'm working through both. So, not fun.

Anyway, after talking to @LoseThem regarding my appointment, I'm a little less scared, but still terrified. But, I finally had to tell someone. Freakin' pandemic was good for something. I got help for something I didn't know I need help for AND started my journey to become who I always wanted to be. I'll let you all know how it goes.

---

[Quick story time: In case you are wondering "why 6 years old?"...get settled in, it's story time. I was playing in the tub, using used shampoo bottles as ships or subs (Dad was in the Navy at the time, hence the ships and subs) and I leaned over to get a "sub" when my genitals went underwater, I leaned down and looked, and it looked like they weren't there. Something "clicked". This seemed "right" in my 6 year old mind (still does today). I thought "this is the way this is supposed to look." A few months later, a story appeared on the local news about the first "sex change operation to be performed" in the city where I lived. It was 1987, consider the time period for the terminology. Having a 1975 World Book Encyclopedia, I did something searching, there it was. I put 2 and 2 together. But I never felt like a "girl".

When I was 14, I discovered words like "castration" and "penectomy", but without the internet, I only had a description to go by. But, for the first time, I had something that sounded like something like what I truly wanted. But, again, without a picture, I could only imagine, so I filed these words away. I still thought that "sex change" I had heard about years before was the only to achieve what I truly wanted. Then in 2001(?), I discovered EA (and the internet)...and my world changed. I was able to search those terms I had filed away, I discovered a nullo named "Gelding" and I knew what I wanted to be. I was able to search what a "nullo" was. I now knew that Gender Affirming Surgery was NOT what I wanted.

Fast forward 20 years later and I'm nearly 40, I'm older (ugh!) and I'm wiser (kinda, ok, maybe not), nullification surgery is a thing (it wasn't in 2001), the LGBTQIA+ community is recognized (by most), and I've figured out who I am...mostly (still working out that sexuality thing). What an insanely wild ride that ain't over yet. /end story time]

All the best for you appointment this Tuesday.

Take a deep breath and be yourself with your shrink.

Depression can be a real pain in the but.

Hope all goes well for you.

Thanks Dude, much appreciated. Still nervous with each passing day, not gonna lie...but I think I'm gonna be OK.

I'll be thinking of you.

Have a good day!

Littledick (imported) wrote: Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:38 pm I'll be thinking of you.

Have a good day!

I appreciate it! Don't think I've ever been this nervous in all my life.

I did it!

Sitting in the waiting room. I couldn't calm myself down. Even an Ativan (which I have a prescription for for anxiety) wasn't helping the anxiety attack I was helping. So, 15 minutes I waited, completely geared up in a "Talk or Flight" response (instead of "Fight or Flight") but I walked in the room.

I sat down and I asked her a couple questions to gauge how much she knew. After I was satisfied, I came out with it. "What do you know about male nullification surgery?" I asked. She actually knew as gender nullification surgery, but she knew what it was!!!! I about fell off the couch. A 34 year old weight lifted. She was very understanding, asked questions like why, how this took place, basically let me tell the story and didn't take notes. She listened.

She did have to make sure I wasn't going to attempt "self-surgery", which I understood. That part I totally accept. I answered it simply "I haven't waited 34 years to do something stupid now." That was good enough for her. Plus, she was happy to know that I have a consultation on April 15.

Once I basically said those words and she said "Yes, I have heard of that", the anxiety went away. It was gone. She put me in touch with an few LGBTQIA+ community therapists in my area (which kinda blew me away since where I live isn't very rainbow-y) who specialize in therapy for those seeking gender reassignment and nullification, plus letters (actually "nullification" is mentioned on one of their websites). So, the therapist and my shrink will work together and we will go from there.

I'm still kinda, not really reeling, but impressed(?) both in her and myself. Her that she had the knowledge to know about something that is still kind of a niche surgery and myself for finally telling an offline person. I had to sit and marvel a couple times, for a moment, that it this was actually taking place, I wasn't being kicked out, not on a 72-hour psych hold, and she was understanding and kind not disgusted and going "eww!". She even mentioned that. I think she thought I had those fears.

It worked out perfectly.

So, the weight has been lifted and the journey has begun!

I PM'ed you but I'll leave it at, "I told you so..." *grin* And I mean that in the kindest way possible.

Congrats! The hard part is over, and now you can move on to the rest of the process. Good luck!

Great News.

I am pleased it all went well, one foot at a time.

I hope your confidence is up to follow through with the therapist she recommended and see where that leads for you.

It great when the load is lifted, it makes life a lot more bearable.

Thinking of you!

Losethem (imported) wrote: Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:00 pm I PM'ed you but I'll leave it at, "I told you so..." *grin* And I mean that in the kindest way possible.

Congrats! The hard part is over, and now you can move on to the rest of the process. Good luck!

Oh, I knew it was coming...but you were right. PM received and replied.

Littledick (imported) wrote: Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:00 pm Great News.

I am pleased it all went well, one foot at a time.

I hope your confidence is up to follow through with the therapist she recommended and see where that leads for you.

It great when the load is lifted, it makes life a lot more bearable.

Thinking of you!

I am...I just hope my insurance will cover it. That's the hard part. Insurance is a pain in the butt! But that's a rant for a different post. I have a list, so I'll be making calls tomorrow.