From a young age I had counselling, and therapy because I was depressed from the age of four and upwards.

My parents were hard on me, I had a problem I couldn't admit to. I was so shamed with myself that I started wetting myself.

Parents got so sick off my behavioral issues that when they would get a call from the school that I had an accident or was being a riot.

They said to me that if I hadn't of stopped that they would try me to a tree naked outside and have a bird peck it off. Naturally as a five year old I panicked and told one of the school teachers, of that they had a social worker investigate my parents. Eventually my parents got me to see a pediatrician and they would narrow down this "regression" to bullying. That wasnt it.

Having Autism, I am prone to sensory overloads. Naturally, I don't like being physically touched and my trigger was those parts. Fast forward 6 years, and the schools were teaching about how the birds and the bees worked; they sent school letters home to get parents permission or give parents the option to have their child opt out of which my parents did because I begged for it. All I knew for up until the age of 11 was those parts were for peeing and that they didn't make me feel good. And thats when I uncovered the horror that is an erection, I cried for a solid 15 minutes until it went away. Later I learned how things worked upon starting high school and thats when I started having serious doubts about my gender identity. My father would mock me for having autism making distasteful comments about it, along with remarks about my sexuality. He would often say if I couldnt get a girlfriend I should go to Thailand and get a lady boy (kathoey) instead. knowing one could change sex where i didn't before really baffled me and that in combination with my uncertainty with my gender identity would spell a recipe for disaster.

I genuinely thought I was woman internally because i didn't feel like a man; but those two statements can mean entirely different things from individual to individual. Gender is subjective. Speed through the next couple years; I was molested, and some other gross stuff, went to college, got a job to lose it, and got kicked out and have been living independently for the past 3 years, yada yada yada. I have had suicide attempts because my desire for complete abstinence from being involved with things that use that part, I have been a part time male escort and been through a few rough relationships. I started diy hormone therapy 9 months ago, and while it alleviated a lot of the qualms i had about libido and gave me depth to my emotion which i have thought to have lost years ago; I still don't feel like a woman because that concept is nothing like feeling that you are not a man. Men are from mars and women are from venus and im drifting in space not wanting a penis. I dont relate to anybody. I feel so alone.

Confession time, I have been on the EU for 10 years lurking since you guys/gals/gargoyles have been the only pocket of community I have been able to relate to. Even in trans/lgbtq+ circles, i have felt like no one felt what i was feeling. You lot have been a staple in my life, and I thank you for existing even if it has only been the past year I would make an account and actually partake in discussion. I am however doing something i feel morally corrupt about, I have serious doubts that the nhs would take a wannabe-eunuch seriously; i am going through the process of a gender transition from Male-to-Female with the end goal being that i will be able to get surgery to remove those parts for free. I could never in my life afford private healthcare and informed consent surgeries, so the public route is my only option. My goal is to either get a zero-depth vaginoplasty or a penectomy, orchiectomy and scrotom removal. I am sorry this is morally corrupt, but i have no choice in the matter since male-to-eunuch dysphoria is marginalized and not taken seriously.

Kazi, your and my stories have some similarities. I will answer properly tomorrow. It is late and I need some sleep. Do feel free to private message me anytime. I am in the UK and like you been on a long and painful journey.

Be assured, you are not alone. There are not so many of us in the trans/lgbtiaq+ communities, but there are some. I am. And actually, don't blame yourself for circumventing a system that forces you to. There is nothing morally corrupt with that imho.

Sometimes, I get these urges to cut things off. This year alone I have made a single attempt at performing an orchiectomy, believe me it isn't sexually charged motivation to want to remove things. It is getting increasingly difficult to manage how I feel. Its not comfortable to sleep on my side nor back because of how things orient themselves. Generally speaking the scrotum is the most disgusting body part period, how it sweats and sticks to the inside of my thigh like a slobbery tongue. Then the testicles that sway like a pendulum making things like cardio generally uncomfortable, and generally detracting from how enjoyable physical activities are. Not to mention the maintenance required to clean the damn things to stop them from emitting a foul aroma. That's just the start of it, as a homosexual male I don't like how these parts reduce my status as a person to a walking sex golem. Bah, I am so tired of the monotony of dealing with these things day in, day out; I never seem to get a break.

The mere presence of these parts make me further descend into lunacy, if I was born with the anatomy of the opposite sex I'd be equally as apathetic towards the existence of genitalia. Being in a particular sexual orientation, a lot of prep work has to be done for douching; I couldn't imagine doing that twice and even with reconfigured genitalia; I wouldn't want to be dilating for the rest of my life either. I wish for full abstinence from sex, my life would be ten times easier without, even being castrated chemically for 9 months going 10, things still work and it puts me into a spiral of depression. I will be waiting for the day it all goes away into oblivion, never to return and that is when I will be free and no longer a slave to my body. It won't be missed.