Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the

bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom

of the cone, for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on

the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place

an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep

it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring

the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead

and there won't be any white mess on the outside of

the cake.

Real Women: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it

for you.

Martha Stewart: If you accidentally over salt a dish

while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and

it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me

up".

Real Women: If you over salt a dish while you are

cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me -

The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it

and I don't care how bad it tastes!

Martha Stewart: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when

putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for

weeks.

Real Women: Celery? Never heard of it.

Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie

crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy

finish.

Real Women: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do

not include brushing egg whites over the crust.

Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut

it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing

will go away.

Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc.

Chill and drink. You might still have the headache,

but who cares?

Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars,

try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non

slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip -

Martha Stewart: Don't throw out all that leftover

wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in

casseroles and sauces.

Real Women: Leftover wine???

This reminds me of a Martha joke about a sweater. As we all know, a sweater is something that a child puts on when his mother is cold.

Child - "But Martha, I don't like this sweater. It makes me look like a dork."

Martha - "I'll have you know that I melted raw iron to forge a plow to open the earth and grow crops to feed the sheep that I raised from lamb-hood on a bottle. I made the bottle from melting sand into glass and blowing it into form. I then sheared them myself, and spun the wool into thread to make you this sweater. I picked various flowers and pressed them wet, making natural dyes for the sweater so it wouldn't be just gray. It took me hours to knit it. I think you'd be a little more appreciative of it."

Abashed, the child gets on the school bus and lo and behold, sees another boy wearing a sweater that is much nicer than his. Still, Martha has made him feel bad about it and he's quite guilty. BUT he is warm. Finally, he turns to the other boy and asks, "Where did you get that sweater? I like it."

The other boy looks at him and says, "My mom got it Wal-Mart for $12.95."

This joke came to me at the height of Martha's K-Mart advertising binge.

I can see Martha Stewart will be the topic of jokes for the next year or so. Keep it up I really hate that bitch and it does my heart good to see her in all this trouble.