Hello, I recently made a new account here after being away for a while, and have posted two stories, "Dear Mama Kite" and "Fixin' Up a Vixen". If anyone has the time to review either of these, I would very much appreciate it! Thanks for reading.

Hey @Fancyfeller,

I added a comment to the bottom of the story but, thought I'd add a few notes here that don't belong there. On the fiction board, I think the comments should be about what was liked about the story, not writing tips.

First, just a technical note, you can't receive private messages until you have five posts on the forum and you haven't done that yet. Once you get to five messages, I'll send any future pointers directly to you.

- The term "fox" is used in the non-furry world to describe a hot looking man. So, I didn't quite understand that this was a furry story right from the start. I will frequently skip the description at the top of a story. They often contain spoilers.

- Perhaps a paragraph early in the story to better plant the reader in the furry universe would have been a good idea. "Deep in the woods, far from where any sane human would be likely to hike or camp is a dance club where all manner of forest creatures gather. Tonight was a blue moon and the urge to mate was strong. So, the club was overflowing."

- Zach is a little bit too one dimensional in his character development. He shows no insecurities at all. He's a cocky bastard and that part comes through loud and clear. A couple of ideas might be to; give him at least a small insecurity maybe his tail is too short for a fox, perhaps his older brother has an even bigger dick, he might have had a guy refuse to have sex with him just one time because of his piercings; problems keeping a job perhaps that he's so in love with his looks that his customer service skills are terrible because he's used to everyone being in awe of his looks; last example is maybe he's been expelled from school because of his underage drinking.

- More teasing from the security guard might bring the story some drama. One example could be that the security guard is relishing Zach's torment as his minor piercings are ripped out. The security guard could also claim he's doing this because of drug dealers hiding drugs in piercings. Then, in the end, the guard doesn't remove Zach's pride and joy. Slowly as he's been ripping out each piercing, the guard has been using more and derogatory nicknames for Zach like darling, dumpling, sweet cake, honeydew and then, at last, there is good news, the guard tells Zach that Prince Albert piercing can stay in his cock. Zach is so happy at that point, he was sure he'd have all the piercings ripped out. Then the guard lets the hammer fall, "however, according to this memo I go last week, some druggies like you are hiding their drugs inside their cocks - it will have to come off." After the cock is gone the guard holds it up with two fingers by the PA and he looks at it like a rat he caught in a trap and says, "See, I told you your PA could stay in your cock."

The guard already comes across as a total asswipe hell-bent on vengeance because Zach made fun of his manhood. Might as well let him play verbally with Zach as things go along.

- Sex. It's missing. Actual dick in hole sex. Draw the reader in with two rabbits over in the corner fucking vigorously. Zach is amused because the it's the 10th time that night they've fucked in that corner. When Zach enters the men's room there are no doors on the stalls and every glory hole has a furry sucking dick through one. Describing, (even briefly) each furry's cock from a flared horse cock to a red swollen dog dick and the furry that is sucking it off would be a way to grab the reader in and keep them there. There could be a sign in each stall, "House Rules: Suck Any Dick That is Inserted Through the Hole or Get Out of The Way."

- Humor. There are a few places where some humor could be inserted. The story is rather dark and needs to stay that way. Adding what is sometimes referred to as comic relief would help. For example, A handwritten request above the urinal that reads, "Please Don't Flush The Urinal, It Ruins the Flavor of the Gum." A conversation with the bartender would be a good place to review the crowd. Those on the dance floor, those waiting to go into the back room of the bar, those who are stalking ex-lovers, those that come in perfectly toned from exercise and are a prime example of their brand of furry yet, they always go home alone because they are so unapproachable or so stuck up nobody meets their standards. The bartender might quip about them having their sex life well in hand or perhaps comment that the super-hot bull in the corner is right-handed but that his left hand always smells like the hand lotion with which he jerks off. Adding humor here and there helps the reader but, it also helps the writer.

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Don't take all or any of that to mean I didn't like the story. I liked it very much and gave it five stars.

--- Here is my comment that I added directly to the story ---

topmanfl - 2019-10-14 10:29:01

I loved this story. The furry community is not the easiest to understand and it's not a lifestyle or fetish I share. It took me a long time to even find it interesting. In part, because there are stories like this one, animations and an entire furry universe in which people adopt an animal as their furry and then dress up in it. In many ways it's the same people and the same fetish but, in other ways, it all very different. I'm glad to see a furry story on here.

I gave the story five stars because it brings forth a fetish to our community that has been lacking. I could give some pointers on how the structure could be changed to draw the reader in a bit more but, really that's not so important.

Please keep writing these stories. You will get lots of oe star ratings because it's not as popular a theme as are some others. Plus, there are many readers who just will not get the whole idea of a furverse in which characters like the fox and he wolf really exist and live lives. Why can't the furries be as kinky as the rest of us?

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Hope that helped.

Hi again, thanks very much for taking the time to comment and review! I like your idea about introducing it, it's true that maybe the story could have had a bit more scene-setting.

I see what you mean about Zack, he's not the most complex of characters! I suppose I wanted to show how much his personality changed as a result of his emasculation, over-the-top cocky to begin with before suddenly becoming meek and cringing after his most prized possession is taken away, emphasizing what a shocking contrast it was for him to suddenly go from being a well-hung stud to being a totally nullified eunuch. But I do like some of your ideas for making him more developed, especially the one about not being able to keep a job, as I'm sure Zack would be the perfect embodiment of the world's worst employee if you were the hiring manager of a fast food joint or similar.

I also liked your ideas about the guard coming up with spurious bureaucratic excuses to remove Zack's malehood rather than just being outright blatant about the fact that he's doing it out of spite. As you say, it makes the guard seem more amusing and maybe slightly more sympathetic. Tbh I think I actually prefer your idea to the way I did it in this regard, maybe I missed a trick there! It could also add an element of absurdist humour, and I liked your other suggestions on that front too!

@fancyfeller great stories

I have an idea that few write about..... Can you write a few stories - or include in your stories - where the young guy has his ultra sensitive circumcised cockhead glans cut off (first/separately) very slowly and painfully at the worst time: when his glans cap is the most engorged and flaring (right before he's about to cum).

Being part of the fandom myself at times in my life I enjoyed this one and gave it 5 stars as well.

If you don't plan to do a re-write (which I wouldn't mind since TopMan gave some excellent suggestions and it sounds like you aren't fully satisfied with the finished product) I'd be anxious to see what that poor little fox's life is like after the fact. How do his gym mates react when he has to shower after gym class? Do they show him that being a vixen isn't just about sitting down to pee? And if they do complete Zach's transformation into a Vixen, how does he cope having to satisfy his classmates' pleasure and be unable to get any himself anymore?

@tempdowload Mm, that's an interesting idea, I must say, as it's true that the glans is probably the cruellest part to lose from a sexytime perspective. Let's just say I'll think about it.

@Chris Thanks greatly, glad you enjoyed it!

I was also thinking about a possible sequel to this, as I too am interested in what might happen in the life of a cocky boy like Zack after suffering such a cruelly life-altering loss. Let's just say that the reaction of his classmates in gym is not likely to be very compassionate after the way he shamelessly showed off his assets in the past! And yes, I think he is likely to become something of a plaything for others considering that he still has a rather comely body in spite of the bits he's missing.

Chris1115 (imported) wrote: Wed Oct 16, 2019 12:37 am Being part of the fandom myself at times in my life I enjoyed this one and gave it 5 stars as well.

If you don't plan to do a re-write (which I wouldn't mind since TopMan gave some excellent suggestions and it sounds like you aren't fully satisfied with the finished product) I'd be anxious to see what that poor little fox's life is like after the fact. How do his gym mates react when he has to shower after gym class? Do they show him that being a vixen isn't just about sitting down to pee? And if they do complete Zach's transformation into a Vixen, how does he cope with having to satisfy his classmates' pleasure and be unable to get any himself anymore?

Hey @Chris1115 and @Fancyfeller,

I would not recommend a rewrite. The story reads well, is interesting and has a twist we seldom see in the fiction section.

As I said above, normally I'd have sent those writing tips in a pvt message but, Fancyfeller didn't have five posts yet.

However, a sequel would be a great idea and I'd rather see a series of stories about Zach than a rewrite of this story.

I can see Zach having a panic attack before his first day back at school. Knowing he'll have to shower off after gym class he heads to the front office to see if he can switch gym class to last period instead of second. The last period is the only one that isn't required to shower. The office clerk tells him that normally that wouldn't be any problem at all. Except, Zach only has a 2.5 grade point average and changing class schedules requires a 3.5 GPA or more.

Coach is is a very good mood when Zach gets to the locker room and he calls all the guys together before they dress in their gym shorts. He introduces the security guard from the club as the coach because today is Coach's last day. Zach traded his normal boxers or briefs and used three jockstraps to stuff in his briefs to mimic his bulge.

The torments and teasings that the guard gave Zach at the club are nothing compared to what he'll do as the new gym Coach. He spares Zach no quarter. Forces him to strip off in front of the guys. They see he's gone from stud to vixen and the hoots and hollers designed to embarrass Zach have the opposite effect.

What if Zach embraced the idea of being a eunuch? What would happen? Would the new coach make Zach his bitch and have a hands-off policy for the rest of the team? Or would coach insist that Zach become the team cum dump and constantly figure out new ways to drag Zach into the world of forced fem? Injections of hormones to totally fem him or male hormones to keep him horny as hell and unable to rub one out whenever he wants to?

In the sequel will Zach change his name? If so to what?

Zach's parents haven't even been brought into the story yet. Would they both embrace him? Would he tell them he wanted his junk removed or would he claim there'd been an accident? Maybe his father always wanted a girl child and quickly adopted the idea that he now had a princess to spoil and his mother didn't much like the idea because she'd never have grandkids or would it be the other way around?

My advice would be to keep going, let's see what happens. I'm particularly interested in what happens at the swimming hole where all the dudes skinny dip without a care in the world.

Hey @Fancyfeller,

I like the "Dear Mama Kite" story as well.

My first suggestion would be to not add your own spoiler in the description section. Of course, most stories in the fiction section end up with castration or nullification.

Some stories end in a setup for a sequel with the main character not knowing when the castration will happen.

I like that your story is written as an epistolary, it's not something you see very often.

"Up the Down Stair Case" by Bel Kaufman which is almost notes passed in class, memos, fragments, homework assignments, suggestions from the box, and comments in various student's records (I like the record notes where the school counselor tries for months and months and finally gets a male students to admit that he "self abuses". I always wondered how that would have read to a college admissions committee)

Also,

"Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe" by Fannie Flagg which does have an omniscient voice but, uses clippings from newspapers to tell the story.

Your epistolary is very good. It did make me wonder who Mama Kite is, however. I assumed she was an advice columnist in the vein of Dear Abby.

If you wrote a similar story or a sequel for Marty's younger brother, I'd consider including journal entries from the step-dad, quotes from the conservative websites that explain the sin of masturbation, notes from the Church Pastor about individual sessions he's had with Marty or his brother where they've confessed to sinning, clippings from the local Christian newsletter about how sparing the rod spoils the child, text messages which prove the young man is still wanking and lastly, of course, to continue the letters or emails.

Don't give up this style of writing. It's powerful because it allows the ego of the character to shine as we read what the write about themselves or their beliefs.

An example could be an email exchange:

Gmail.com

From: Father Ewan Byrnes

To: Pastor Don Matterson

Dear Don,

I write out of frustration for how I've been keeping my own house in order. After providing what I thought was a good example with Marty's nullification, his younger brother who is 23 is sinning the same way. I can't bring myself to write the word he is doing but, I know you are aware. Can you offer any experience?

Yours,

Ewan

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Gmail.com

From: Pastor Don Matterson

To: Father Ewan Brynes

Brother Ewan,

I can only but imagine your disappointment and frustration with your 23 year old step-son. My experience is that atonement is the only way to stop this vile sin.

Perhaps, your mistake with Marty was you were too quick to end his sin with nullification and didn't give him a chance to seek his own righteous path. Therefore his younger brothers are without that example of a pure life.

In my experience slowly increasing a young man's chances to stop sinning works better than an ax to cut off all genitals.

The next time you catch your stepson committing this horrible sin, I'd recommend Tobasco sauce. Put it in his wicked hand and tell him to finish what he was doing. If the moaning you hear from his room bothers you, remember you are bringing him to the Lord.

If that does not work, my experience is that a chainmail glove will most assuredly do the trick. When you catch him sinning, don't yell or show any disapproval. Instead, have him put on the chainmail glove and with a firm resolve force him to finish the deed. It will rub his skin raw on both his hand and his tallywhacker. It's a lesson he will not soon forget.

Brother, I hope my experience is helpful to you. If you need further ideas, let me know as I have a box full of ways to get a young male to stop sinning.

Yours in Christ,

Pastor Don Matterson

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Text Messages:

-- Ewan: the Tobasco having the desired effect. He's hollering that it's hot.

-- Don: Tell him it's not as hot as Hell will be if he doesn't stop sinning.

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Just some ideas to use things beyond letters. Keep writing, your stories are fun and I hope you enjoy writing them.

Don't hold your breath for reviews; it's always been a serious problem with stories here.