Chemical Castration to Treat Pedophilia

[Double22 (imported)]

Sleep should have happened six hours ago. It's 3 am and the sensations are racing across my body. I feel the tingling in my lips and tongue, the urge to grab something with my hands. I attempt mindfulness mediation, and I can only feel the corruption spreading deeper into my mind as I feel my perception of children warp before me. A resolute willpower compels me to say no to any release. I ignore the feelings in my chest, hands and mouth as much as I can, and try to go to sleep.

The sensations prevail, and my heartbeat quickens, precluding any sleep. Even if it didn't, I feel a rush of warmth and pleasure assail me as I start to slip into unconscious, only to bolt awake, refusing to relax into these feelings. "No!" I breath, as I jerk upwards before trying to sleep again. I get up, and sit in the Burmese position to attempt the concentration meditation that has worked in dispelling ordinary daydreams. The sensations are only enhanced, as if my resistance strengthens the sexual urge, like a Chinese finger trap. Mindful acceptance only leads me into a pit, as my mind wanders into darker and more horrible streams without resistance.

I attempt to masturbate, to relieve the sexual energy permeating me. I find normal, heterosexual adult porn to look at, and try. I reach climax quickly, but nothing comes out. I try again less than 20 seconds later, and I reach climax again, and still nothing comes out. I try again, and again, 6 times in total, nothing coming out, and nothing being relieved, as the sexual energy returns, with tingling warmth dancing across my lips and neck less than 2 minutes later.

As I contemplate my situation, I feel myself realize that this is easily the second worse situation I've been in in my life, with complete derealization of ordinary emotional perception being the first. I think of a future in which this sexual energy persists in every moment of my life unless I masturbate to the thought of children for relief, and instead contemplate oblivion....

I have decided to try anti androgens to quell my anomalous sexual energy. I say anomalous because I was able to go five years without any questionable pornography without any problems, only to be suddenly flooded with this sexual energy that threatens to overturn my willpower. My psychiatrist put me on Risperidone a year ago, and it put a stop to this energy. However, the energy came back, so she gave me 225mg of sertraline, telling me that anything about 300mg would be dangerous. Not one to waste time, I put myself on 300 mg to find out immediately if antidepressants would be enough. After 2 months, I'm unsatisfied with the degree of improvement. The active sexual energy attacks have reduced from once every two days to once every 3 weeks, but I still feel a passive energy, constantly reminding me that any slip of nonchalance could bring back the thought loop that produces this sexual energy trap. My psychiatrist argues that given my excellent control over my problem, anti androgens are unnecessary. I disagree. I shouldn't have to distract myself with TV in order to sleep, nor should I live with the apprehension that any moment in my life could be the restart of this sexual energy.

This is day 13 of 200 mg of cyproterone acetate from Shapeshifters. I have 28 60mg pills of raloxifene in case this isn't enough,, and 7.5 mg of leuprolide acetate as a final fallback, all purchased off the Internet. I will be giving a weekly log of my experiences.. So far the last four nights I have woken up in the middle of the night sweaty, and orgasms have required an increasing amount of work., which encourages me to believe that these drugs are legitimate

Thank you for reading,

-Double22.

[mattman59 (imported)]

If I were you I would find another psychiatrist. He or she doesn't understand your problem if they think anti androgens are not necessary. Sounds like you definitely need castration whether chemical or physical. Sexual desire is interfering way too much with your life and you need relief. It sounds like the meds you are taking are helping a little since orgasms are harder to achieve. So that is a step in the right direction. Keep taking the meds and be patient. It is good that you are keeping a weekly log of what you are going through. That will gauge your progress. The cyproterone acetate should definitely be working at reducing your testosterone level. You ought to have your T level checked just to see how low it is. That is the key. Testosterone is the main culprit for excessive sexual desire. See how things progress down the line and keep us posted. Good luck.

[tobi24876 (imported)]

I can relate to you!

While my sexual thoughts are more focussed on adult males, it is the intensity and the way in which my sex drives influences my life that makes it feel like a burden. It's one thing that if your doctor thinks your urges are enough in control that you don't act on them and would harm anyone, BUT that doesn't really say whether you are happy with the situation or not. I hope your self medication goes well and that you may find a new, more understanding doctor who can monitor your health while you are on those drugs. I just wish people (and even doctors) would be more understanding for men expressing the desire to be more in control of their libido.

Best wishes!

PS: I get that Raloxifene is to reduce estrogen induced sexdrive (and possible breast growth), but what is Leuprolide for? Also, 200 mg Cyproteron daily seems to be a bit too much to start with, maybe try 100 mg daily, that's what most try initially and what actually works well for most (only my observation from reading forum posts, but it's also the recommended dose for sexual deviance when it is officially proscribed - but since YMMV, maybe 200 mg is right for you)

[JessicaH (imported)]

Good for you for recognizing the destructiveness of your desires and taking action to stop them. We need more ways for people to seek help before they hurt someone. Maybe you should seek out physical castration which will be a permanent solution with far fewer side effects. If money is a issue, look through the CaCl thread. Castration beats the hell out of being in prison for child porn or hurting a child. I feel sympathy for you at this point but if you hurt a child you need to hang.

[Double22 (imported)]

Thank you for your vote of confidence JessicaH. I expect as much when I tell people I consider death a preferable option to masturbating to thoughts of children.

[tobi24876 (imported)]

I get that this topic can get really emotional really fast... and not wanting to get this too political, buuut: death penalty is barbaric in my eyes, the same as driving people into suicide because they think it's their only option.

However, not giving people the chance to get a better person is a confession of failure for a society - in your case not allowing to suppress your harmful urges. If the DIY method works, then great.

[Double22 (imported)]

I kind of got a bit defensive there. I hope it can be understood that I'm a little sensitive about this matter. But I do still feel that JessicaH was being unnecessarily... cautious. When I say that a psychiatrist, who has been observing me for over a year, doesn't see me as a threat to the community, I expect that people will ask me questions in order to verify their suspicions about my self control before giving me the first degree like that. There was an unspoken statement within "I feel sympathy for you at this point" that I don't feel I deserved, and the part about me hanging is not going to make me any more steadfast than I am already being.

[Double22 (imported)]

I might as well update since I'm here.

T + 14

One of the things I've noticed is that my orgasms are more satisfying. I actually feel afterward like I slaked some of my lust when I masturbate to women playing with themselves. Currently I keep a regimen of masturbating once a day to preclude any buildup of sexual energy. However, I've become completely disillusioned with sexuality at this point, and if I had to choose between normal teliophilia and complete asexuality, I'd probably go with the latter, and I can't wait for sexual release to stop being a need. Also, from T +12 to present orgasms have become easy again. Today I felt greater sexual energy than I did before. The only difference is that I ate more food before going to bed the night before, and I therefore experienced a greater degree of wakefulness during work. I conclude that the increased libido was due to higher energy levels. It's worth noting however that the sexual energy did not develop into the usual nightmare. I'm not sure how to pin down why, it just felt like I was better at brushing it off before it started.

Since I stopped sleeping with a full blanket, the night sweats have stopped. I'm going to try again with the blanket, because I heard afterward that the nights on which I sweated were unusually humid.

[Double22 (imported)]

I get that Raloxifene is to reduce estrogen induced sexdrive (and possible breast growth), but what is Leuprolide for? Also, 200 mg Cyproteron daily seems to be a bit too much to start with, maybe try 100 mg daily, that's what most try initially and what actually works well for most (only my observation from reading forum posts, but it's also the recommended dose for sexual deviance when it is officially proscribed - but since YMMV, maybe 200 mg is right for you)

The leuprolide is just in case the cyproterone acetate+raloxifene combination doesn't work. There was a study by Rosler and Witztum in 1998 in which 30 men who were treated with leuprolide acetate experienced a drop of sexual arousal towards paraphilic fantasies from an average maximum of 7.5 on a 1-8 scale to an average minimum of 1.5. This is superior to cyproterone acetate. Some of the men had previously been treated with CPA without adequate effect.

As for 200mg of CPA to start, there was a study by Laschet and Laschet in 1971 in which, I think 100 or 300 men were given CPA. 80% responded to 100mg a day, and the remaining 20% responded to 200mg. I just didn't want to spend an extra month on 100mg. I'm already on 3 mg of risperidone and 300mg of sertraline per day, and it is no harder to masturbate now than it was before these drugs, which are known to cause sexual dysfunction at much lower doses than what I'm taking. My libido is a tough beast to put down!

If I were you I would find another psychiatrist. He or she doesn't understand your problem if they think anti androgens are not necessary. Sounds like you definitely need castration whether chemical or physical. Sexual desire is interfering way too much with your life and you need relief. It sounds like the meds you are taking are helping a little since orgasms are harder to achieve. So that is a step in the right direction. Keep taking the meds and be patient. It is good that you are keeping a weekly log of what you are going through. That will gauge your progress. The cyproterone acetate should definitely be working at reducing your testosterone level. You ought to have your T level checked just to see how low it is. That is the key. Testosterone is the main culprit for excessive sexual desire. See how things progress down the line and keep us posted. Good luck.

Eh, I have a good rapport with her. The thing is, she isn't doing too horribly, for someone who has absolutely zero experience treating sexual deviance. The risperidone worked for about a year, and I believe there was a study of incarcerated sex offenders in Germany where it was found that around 10% were being treated with antipsychotics like risperidone. Sertraline is also often used to treat paraphilia, and I do feel it was wise to give it the time I gave it before moving onto the next step, which is chemical castration. When I told her that I was done delaying the castration, she provided a blood test form for a liver panel, after I explained that CPA strains that organ. She also told me that she would send a proposal to the CMPA, a patient risk assessment non profit, to see if she is given the all clear to prescribe me CPA herself, instead of me buying drugs off the Internet. So, while I do wish I had never heard her say that anti androgens only affect erectile function and orgasm while leaving libido intact, she is at least doing as best she can, given her unreasonable resistance to chemical castration and lack of experience. I have heard similar stories from other people, so I don't imagine I would have better luck finding another doctor anyway.

I did find a psychologist who vouched for my proposal to go on leuprolide acetate to a family practitioner she was colleagues with. The family practitioner however, had no experience with LA, and instead proposed spironolactone. Since I already had the CPA, I turned her down. She did agree to a testosterone test, and apparently I scored right in the middle of the range for my age.

[cutnbulls2ox (imported)]

Hey, sounds like you are doing the right thing. Hope you find the relief you are seeking.

I m not quick to judge sexual thoughts and attractions. Most people don t and can t choose what turns them on. And in ancient times, your attractions were common in many cultures.