This is my first post and thread, I came to EA for information and encouragement. Sorry if this breaks etiquette.

I am transgender and have been chemically castrated since 2012. But something is wrong with my body as it has never been enough, neither spirolactone or cyperotone. I spent 2 weeks in a psychward last year and they would not give me HRT or anything, within one week I was waking up each morning with an erection. After being released I went through a breakup and lost all of my medication and didn't obtain it again for 5 months. In that time my facial hair came in darker, my arms/legs/hands all got hairier, I got a patch of hair on my once clear chest. I feel like I'm still recovering from those 5 months, chemical castration never actually killed my testicles. My sex drive became massive and my skin turned greasy, I was constantly getting erections like a middle schooler.

My back is against a wall right now. I moved 4000 miles to move back in with my dad and am unemployed. I am irresponsible and out of money, my anti-androgen will run out by the end of the month and I am so terrified to experience all of that again. I want this to be over forever rather than kept at bay with a little pill. I am 26 now and have not moved any closer to SRS or orchi since I was a teenager, this feels like my only option. I am passively suicidal and in a very bad place as far as mental health goes, I don't care about the massive bill I can't afford. It's all very risky but I can't imagine my mental health if I go back to my testosterone running wild again. I am already living in this little redneck town where my father has made sure to tell everyone possible I am his son and to use my deadname.

I used some of my money to buy an elastrator and bands. I will band myself to the point of no return and then go to the ER to have them removed. I will clearly be trans as my ID says female and my name is changed, so I don't think I can pull an "it was an accident" story like this was sexual play but I will try to sound naive and scared like I have made some mistake. I'm afraid of them locking me in a psych hold for longer than 3 days but at least this time they won't be slowly turning me into a man.

My biggest hopes from doing this are that any endocrinologist will have to help me rather than me having to find one who is trans sympathetic. I won't have to tuck anymore. I can wear leggings and skinny jeans without managing a scrotum. I know I will be less masculine and that my body will stop producing semen. It's all scary and uncertain but I have become so relieved reading stories on EA, I am happy it will all be over soon.

This is a really tricky place to be.

In an ideal world your parents should just accept the fact you are seeking a gender change and nothing that your father does is going to alter your desired destiny.

They need to be told that you are currently passively suicidal and am going through considerable mental stress and need to be more supportive,

On the subject of banding the dangers have been well documented here and the process comes 2nd to the burdizo as a how it shouldn't be done.

Maybe make an appointment to see your practitioner, have a chat about how you feel and see what comes from it.

If the doc is supportive you should get a referral to the next stage.

Being where you are mentally is such a scary place. Please know there are lots of places you can get help. There are anonymous help phone lines and chats. Call one. You will find your place. I tried an elastrator. I lasted 45 mins before the pain was so excruciating I had to cut the bands off. Don't do it!

testicle_misery (imported) wrote: Sat Dec 08, 2018 7:59 am This is my first post and thread, I came to EA for information and encouragement. Sorry if this breaks etiquette.

Hey @testicle_misery,

First, welcome to the eunuch.org forum. You are in the right place. There is valuable experience here from others. Also, your experiences are very much needed. This community is strong and very tight - there is support here for you.

Having said that, part of that support is to make sure you don't do something that will endanger your life.

An elastrator is not a good tool for castrating a 28 year old human. They are designed for the castration of young farm animals, not grown men.

Your plan to band to the point of no return is difficult to see it working.

First, it's really painful to band for that long. So, most likely you'll end up in the ER and they'll save your testicles. Will they put you on a 72 hold - only doing it would help you find out.

Second, assuming you leave the bands on long enough to actually kill your testicles and scrotum, the ER will be presented with a giant mess of rotten flesh hanging from your groin. There are longs of cords, connections, nerves and blood vessels that all have to be accounted for when preforming the castration. The surgeon (assuming it gets that far) is going to "find" all of those cords and blood vessels to make sure they are all tied off. This could mean a big incision into your abdomen to hunt down all the wayward bits and pieces to find them and tie them off. You'd get your result of having not testicles, but would also have a really big scar.

Your fear of running out of chem castration medications is real and valid. Most females don't have to take medication to prevent themselves from getting secondary male sexual characteristics. Don't let that fear drive you into doing something unsafe.

Look into Medicaid. It's a terrible health insurance program, but it's better than nothing.

There are lots of posts on here with some really good advice. Sometimes there are blog entries or posts that are not very wise (like injecting chemicals directly into the testicles - in my opinion a really bad idea). Yet, the people posting will say it worked for them. What we don't see are posts from people who did dangerous things and ended up with the new title of The Dearly Departed.

So, please, when reading posts, reading the comments to make sure the advice is sound.

Also, there are some very good threads that are "sticky" (they stay at the top of the section) on chem castration and injections.

Know that there is support on here. Being passively suicidal is a serious thing. You can vent on here, complain, explain and even just bitch about whatever you want. I assure you someone will have had the same experience and be able to offer their strength and hope as support. This is a small community, so sometimes it does take a little time for a reply.

Welcome again, you are already a valued member here.

Welcome to the forum! I am cynical of handing out useless phone numbers like candy, but it might be worth checking this out: https://www.translifeline.org/blog/post ... ive-rescue

Trans Lifeline seems to have a strong policy against active rescue so perhaps they can provide you with another person to chat with, free of prejudice.

Best of wishes to you. There are plenty of understanding people out there in this world. I'm sure you can find happiness in life, and once you do you will be too strong to let anyone take it away. Don't deprive us of the chance to witness you in all your glory.

I am a strong believer in "my body, my rules" and I consider even suicide a fundamental right if it is truly desired. I was also in a rough situation 6 months ago, but I was able to get my surgery costs covered by Medicare and Medicaid. Be sure to consider all of your options.

Hi there TM, welcome to our community. Its is good that you have found such a supportive and informed group. There is alot of knowledge to be shared. Your method for castration is brutally effective. It will also be unbearably painful and very dangerous. It is guaranteed you will end up with a life threatening infection and/or blood poisoning. As has been said banding is designed for baby ruminants. There is alot more going on in an adult human. Earlier this year I banded and cut off my empty scrotum. It is a process I wouldnt recommend to anyone and was already castrated. It results in large nasty wound and lots of skillful medical intervention. There a alot of people here to help you in a safe direction to get your result. Dont despair, there is help out there and you will find it

As others said, the pain will be to intense to do it with an elastrator. If you are that desperate, start shooting those things up with everclear or calcium chloride. There are far better ways to kill your nuts, just do some research on this board before doing it.

Hi TM, before I was castrated I injured my testicles in a climbing accident. It was intensely painful and I nearly fainted several times, the pain isn't just in the balls but extends into the abdomen. Please be careful. I know of one tgirl who killed her nuts with alchol injections, once a week for 2 months or so. She was later able to have the dead nuts taken out by medical procedure.

Justine x