Now, let's say you're locked up in a mental ward.

Purely hypothetical, seriously. Every last bit. I will say that people do find themselves in this situation though, so it is in no way unrealistic, because this literally does happen and has happened, and it happens to people like me all the time, and I am sure it's happening to someone RIGHT NOW. Wherever they are, whoever they are, I am praying for them.

Imagine that, and you're transgender so it is actually intensely important that you do not have testosterone in your system (because you have a legitimate medical condition which you are powerless against in regards to not having that condition anymore, which has no cure, but which can be lived with with hormones), and you are indeed in there against your will, and despite the fact your endocrine system has been compromised by your years of using hormones and cannot possibly recover fast enough to give you anything that anyone would consider a "good hormone level" for anyone, and if you were in there long enough you could obtain that if your balls still work and recover fully, but even in that scenario you cannot exist with that testosterone.

So you have no option, they simply have got to go, and YOU have to do it to yourself, you can't even argue "but that's unsafe" because this person has been backed into such a corner, that their one and only way of continuing to exist, is to literally destroy their balls, because their medical needs are being neglected, and their situation is so dire that even though they know just how unsafe that is from their intense research, they still view it as the superior alternative to not doing it and having testosterone in their system.

Furthermore, you have signed a piece of paper giving away your right to freedom, essentially, and given it to them.

They own you and have full power over you, and oh boy do they love to exercise it. It's almost like a game for them and I am sure some of them legitimately get off on it. With this power, they constantly give you the runaround. You'll be out Friday. Oh, sorry it's Tuesday. Oh, sorry, it's next Friday. Oh, hmmm, I think we should have you stay here until we get you hormones (impossible because you actually can't, they try to contact doctors not knowing there are none here for them to contact to get you your hormones). You get the picture.

Basically they have you, pun intended, by the balls. They will not release you because you will self-medicate with hormones when you get out, and ecause they are bigots and do not understand and refuse to understand, they view you self-medicating as self harm when it is a necessity in order to live with yourself, more than anything else save for air, and they wont release you till you get official hormones, which cannot happen, and you know this.

You are absolutely powerless. Except you have hair ties, a weight room with those plate weight machine things that totally would make a dope ass anvil and hammer, and you also have a pen. You can even have visitors bring you stuff, though you don't know what they could bring that you could have and not be viewed as a self-harm tool.

What are you now going to do to render your balls permanently inoperable?

What would I do? Get the person on the outside to give me some elastrator bands and find some way to magically get them over my balls. Can't kill yourself with a tiny rubber band as far as those people know, so it easily could get in. Even if they knew, it's so easy to smuggle in it's guaranteed to get in. I just wouldn't know if it would be possible to even apply it in there, because I've actually never messed with them in person because I never would ever want to use one on myself for any reason unless I was actually FORCED to against my will, like in the above hypothetical situation.

I want my balls off the legit way. I don't want to do it myself. But in that above situation? You have no choice no matter how badly you don't want to do it. At least if you feel the way I do in regards to your gender dysphoria.

Why was this written for you to read here?

This is exactly what it is like to be a transgender person locked up against your will, in a psych ward, in just about every single state in the US as far as I am aware from the extensive conversations I have had with people and the stories I have read. Some will not have it nearly quite that bad, some will have it even worse which terrifies me. I don't think most would have to deal with "self-medding" being seen as self harm when it's actually self help that you are forced to take by necessity and lack of other options, knowing it's not as ideal as it could be if the world were more kind.

It is actually absolutely horrifying to me.

I cannot trust doctors anymore.

I cannot trust medical professionals at all anymore.

I cannot even tell them I am transgender, for I know through extensive personal experience the moment you do that, is the moment they start treating you different for it and discriminating against you, even though they think they are all in the clear because they are "accepting" and will gender you correctly and think that's all they need to do, when in reality they are hiding behind social-acceptance as a blind and a shield, and that blind keeps them ignorant, and that shield defends their feelings from getting hurt over the evil deeds they do.

Their acceptance also makes them think that you actually have resources to depend on for your condition, when you don't. Ironically, this very belief that you have care makes it so you never will.

I can't tell a doctor I'm transgender without them discriminating against me, in literally every single case so far in my life. I simply can't.. because if I do I will get substandard care, and I won't be treated like a human being. Hospitals are the most dehumanizing place I am aware of personally.

So I never will talk to a doctor about my transgender condition, or my self-medicating, because they're too stupid to be told that crucial information. I have to go to the hospital and pretend I am not transgender, and never tell them I'm taking these medications that could potentially cause interactions which I will have to google for myself later cause I can't trust a doctor with that information. In the meantime I use my constitutional right to refuse medication to make sure you don't kill me, thank God for that right. But so long as I never tell them I'm transgender and that I am self-medicating, I will get the treatment I need.

Unless of course, I need treatment for my transgender condition or related to it. Then I just kinda have to deal with it on my own. Because you could literally hold a gun to my head right now, and tell me to go to a hospital over some issue like that, and I would tell you "not doing it"

Good thing I can pay for private blood tests so I can monitor my own levels and make sure I don't let problems crop up if I can avoid it.

This post probably comes across as really emotional, and that's because right now I am probably the most emotional I have ever been in my life. I am actually so intensely angry right now that I feel like vomiting, and I didn't even know that was possible. I am here sitting at home on my computer and I haven't even eaten much of anything in days or slept much at all cause I can't stop thinking about all this, although last night I did get great sleep because I didn't sleep the night before. I am okay, ultimately. I will be okay, and I don't want you to worry about me at all. That stuff is so horrible that I couldn't possibly feel like any other event in my life is bad. I am okay and I love myself. I am Just. REALLY. ANGRY!!!

I will never again take my freedom for granted. If you are trans, it is far more dear to you than you could ever imagine. Nobody wants to lose their freedom. But for cis people, losing your freedom isn't potentially a death sentence in all cases.

Just think: there have been transgender people who killed themselves because they went to a psych ward cause they wanted to kill themselves. There are transgender people who have killed themselves because they knew they couldn't go to a psych ward, and never got help.

This is all so horribly wrong, how is this Kafkaesque nightmare even real? Please, slap me, wake me up.

For my own feelings I would appreciate it if anyone in the medical industry who comments on this does not take a defensive posture. You can try to get through to me if you want, and try to get me to maybe consider trusting medical people again, but as it stands, if you seek to do that -right now- you face a battle harder than climbing everest in your swim trunks. If you think you're strong enough to do that without hurting me, feel free. Otherwise let someone stronger handle it, please.

I love my freedom and I love being alive and free. Simply typing this has helped me feel less angry. But my trust in those people is gone. It's gone for good reason, and if you don't see a good reason for it to be gone in my writing you likely don't understand the direness of that type of situation. If a transgender person is denied hormones, and thinks they'll never have access again whether or not it's true, it unlocks the ability for them to destroy their own balls by any means necessary, no matter how painful, no matter how dangerous, and no matter the consequences.

I am certainly venting. But I don't really have many places to vent, and I don't feel like burdening my many friends anymore with the venting, at least for a little bit. So for this moment, I came here because I know at least some of you have to sympathize. I don't post here often but today I am glad to have this place as a resource and I thank you for taking the time to read my words, if you do. I know there are a lot of them, and they probably make some of you want to think bad things about me. But I'm just venting, please don't take anything I've said personally.

I'm gonna make a reply to my own thread to clear something up actually:

I understand how hateful the above post looks, even if that hate seems deserved, it is still wrong, for I do not hate myself and therefore must, in order to be a good person and feel like I can accept my own actions, work as hard as I can to apply that refusal to self-hate onto every other person, because ultimately we are literally the same when you break it down to the fact that we are all powerless over the fact that we are born, and powerless over the fact that we are experiencing and have been since then, and that actually means we all have exactly the same condition, the human condition, and while I understand this above post is pretty darn hateful...

I made it to help myself cope with my hate over that fact, when I put things into words, it helps me take that hate and anger and dump it and release it and forgive myself for having felt it, and try to make it so that I can actually go and forgive those people who I want to hate SO MUCH.

It's just extremely hard to do that. It is extremely hard not to hate people who hate you and wrong you and do all sorts of bad things to you that no human being or entity undergoing the experience of perception of any kind should ever have to face, because it is not okay to subject anything that is actively experiencing to any kind of trauma. But it happens because we can weak because that is related to the fact that, though we experience, we are stuck in a physical body which actually is designed specifically to make us feel those things out of a need for survival. But you don't have to hold onto that, even if you keep your survival instincts and self-preservation instincts, you can do that without actually hating anyone, because hate is not required to survive, it is simply the easiest way to survive, and because of that people who hate are weak, and I am weak, and I am one of those people who is weak, just like you, and I can be stronger than that, just like you, and I will force myself to get stronger even if it is painful, because I need to get through that or I will never become a better person than I am now, and I will never want to stop doing that.

I actually feel like my own experiences have literally forced me into this way of thinking. The moment that this way of thinking started, I actually broke down and hit the ground and felt so horribly bad over all of the evil deeds I have done in my past to other people and even non-sapient living beings, because though they are not human they share our experience of experiencing things, and even if they are too dumb to be affected anything like how we can, they still don't deserve that. What forced me into this way of thinking, was being subjected to suffering I didn't even know was possible, and couldn't handle. I don't know if it broke me or fixed me to be honest, but I feel I am a better person now so I will roll with it for now.

I wasn't able to get up for a while. A long while. I was crying my eyes out. But when I arose it was because I realized that just like I cannot hate other people because it causes me to feel intense guilt to do so now, I cannot let myself hate myself for that is identical to hating another person, and that is wrong, so I cannot do it to myself.

I have a lot of hate to dump though and get rid of and it's really super hard, but I will forgive myself because this is not an easy process just as I will try to forgive any of you who feel any hatred at any point towards me or try to attack me or do anything like that. I will truly try my hardest not to hate you, because I have to do that for myself, and I have to do that to myself too, so I don't hate myself, and so that I don't hate you, and so that I can live knowing I am not causing more unnecessary suffering in this world and doing all I can to remove what I can of it. I will forgive you without you even asking, and I will forgive you even if you are trying to harm me actively, because you have not yet realized yet, in actual totality, that when you do that, this is super cliche but: when you do that, when you hate anyone or anything else, you quite literally are only hating yourself, and I know how crazy that sounds and how much you want to dismiss it, but it is absolutely true, and if you ever realize it, you will hit the ground crying and not be able to get up until you apply that same realization to yourself, and you don't know that, and I understand because I have been where you are now, and I absolutely won't hate you or even blame you if you think I'm spewing a bunch of horse feathers (code for B.S.), because thinking what I am saying right now is a bunch of BS of a really wacked out person, is the natural reaction I think, and that is okay. I might even sound really narcissistic and full of myself to you, but know that that is not because I feel those things, but because for once in my life I actually feel love for my Self. I understand that what I am saying isn't really sensical to you, most likely, even though a lot of it is going to sound like "well duh, of course its bad to be mean to people" etc. there is actually deeper meaning to what I am saying and I am fine with it if you do not see that, because seeing that is extremely difficult and might take significant trauma for a lot of people.

I don't need to make you understand.

I don't seek to make you understand. I am purely trying to help myself so I can help others, and that's going to require a lot of having to be strong, and I'm going to have a lot of weak moments like the above post, but I am trying my hardest to purge all of that from myself, and I can tell that that is going to be a very long process.

However, on a serious note, that above story is absolutely something that is happening to people right now, and if you don't feel like you need to do something yourself, I am okay with that, because maybe one day you will be at the point where you cannot read something like that or see someone in pain and not act! You aren't bad for not feeling like acting, and that is only natural, really, and I do fully understand.

If my words move -anyone- to act the above post was worth it.

I'm sorry if any of that offends you, I get it, and I know I sound like a wackjob who is preachin' it, but know that is because I am extremely passionate about this and I absolutely do not mind if you feel that way. That is your right. I'm not trying to change that. I am merely trying to get you to understand, at least somewhat, where I am coming from with this all, whether or not you are capable of agreeing with me or desire it, and I know that that's hard to communicate so I don't mind if you just pass on by and forget everything I wrote, because the time for you to read this stuff clearly isn't now, and that's okay. It may never come, and that is also totally okay. You're all good.

I am not religious, but I believe that there is a hidden wisdom that is hidden inside every single one of us, simply because we all have the potential to reach that wisdom. You never have to, and it might not even be productive to try reaching it, but some people do and that's a good thing, and it's okay if you never can. You're only human. I think in trying to be a better person anyone can reach this wisdom that helps you overcome your hate for others because you finally understand it for exactly what it is, or at least you believe you do, and that is all it takes.

I am sorry that I exposed you to my venting. I know it can be unsettling, to be honest. But please understand, I vent because this is actually a very serious concern that has been causing me a lot of hate and I have to move past that so I can progress. But I cannot do that without venting first, at least not yet, maybe one day. But for now, it works, and I'm not going to try fixing what's not broken because it's likely a better solution will come to me naturally, with time. It would be hypocritical for me to stop hating myself and not stop hating them. It would be hypocritical to not hate myself while I hold some for ANYONE ELSE. Just like the opposite is equally true.

So to have a good conscience I must try to move past that, and thank you for simply letting me be on this board and use it to vent, and if it is a problem I can easily not subject you to that in the future, so just let me know. I have other avenues. But something about other people seeing my words on that stuff really helps me feel better about it and move past my hate, even when the very person I am telling is someone who hates me and hates at me for telling them, it actually still makes me feel better and I only can feel sympathy, compassion, and sorryness for them. In the moment, I try to wish they were stronger even if what they say is very hurtful, because they likely are suffering a lot if they hate that much and might not even know the extent to which they are suffering.

When I said that it would be so hard to budge me on my unwillingness to trust medical professionals, that it's like climbing Everest in your swim trunks if you want to try, I meant that at that current time I was writing that, that's how I felt, and that's how angry I was. But I am stuck in a physical body that has developed the ability to feel that anger because it helped its ancestors survive, however I am not powerless against it like I am my transgender condition or the fact that I exist. I can actually do something about it and so I try, even if I make a complete ass of myself in the process, it is worth it to get rid of my hate one piece at a time.

I promise you I will try to trust them again and I will try my hardest to treat them with respect and try to get them to understand. I want them to understand, but I know I cannot do that by being angry at them. I know I cannot do that by hating them. I know I cannot do that by arguing with them. I can only do that by tricking them into listening to points that I have, by telling them that they can hold onto their opinions after I tell them something, and all I want is them to try to understand that thing, and if they understand that thing my goal is accomplished, and if they choose after they understand, to go and hate, that's all on them. The trick is, the thing I am telling them is likely something that forces them to confront their even unknown hate or mistreatment or bad action or what not. They can accept that, and your kindness and understanding of their situation helps open the door.

I just had to help myself get to the point where I could begin not hating them, and I feel I have begun that, though I ABSOLUTELY have a lot more work to do on that front. I still won't be telling them I am trans for the time being, but I will probably do so in the future, and I won't deny myself medical help if I can help it. So don't worry about me, I am going to be fine.

The only person I want you to be worried about right now, is the poor transgender person that is locked in some psych ward right now, and there are probably many of them in many psych wards right now. We do not know who they are, we do not know where they are or exactly what is being done to them, but I personally know that what they are going through is absolute suffering and nothing should ever have to feel that ever... and that person actually needs outside help and it can't come from their doctors at this present moment, because they choose not to understand even unknowingly, and they probably can't help that for themselves yet or it wouldn't be so.