First post and plan to try Androcur

[Zebedeee (imported)]

Hello, as this is my first post I’d like to introduce myself. I am 46 years old and I have suffered from gender identity disorder all my life. I remember telling another boy at school that I wished that I was a girl when I was just nine years old. Which, as you can probably imagine turned out to be a big mistake - never trust a nine year old with your secrets..!

My school life was hell, my home life was difficult (living with a single mother who was very conservative and homophobic), and I left school at sixteen a very shy, introvert, nervous wreck. After several lost years I eventually found my way into a career working in retail, and as I gained a little confidence slowly worked my way up to a full time supervisors position. I left home at twenty five.

The first thing I remember searching for on the internet was “sex change”. Unfortunately by my mid twenties testosterone had done its damage. I was already losing my hair, and I’m not in any way feminine to look at. I still felt lost. I just about coped with work (I now had a mortgage to pay), and didn’t have the confidence to do anything about my issues.

Feeling that there was no way that I’d ever pass as female even with hormones I just got on with life as best I could, self medicating with large quantities of alcohol and chain smoking

Sexually I consider myself to be asexual. I lost my virginity to a girl in my early twenties, and didn’t enjoy the experience very much (struggling to keep an erection). I tried sex with a man a few years later (or, more to the point - he had sex with me..!), and I didn’t like that much either. I’ve tried a few times since with both sexes and never found satisfaction. The last time I had sex was twelve years ago, and I don’t miss it. I masturbate most nights simply for relief (fantasising about being a woman having sex with a man) as if I don’t, my balls start to ache and my penis becomes very sensitive after about a week, which I hate. Annoyingly, things still work just fine down there!

This last summer my poor lifestyle choices finally started to catch up with me (I gave up smoking a few years ago due to the cost, replacing it with vaping, and used the money I saved on more alcohol and added binge eating to the mix!). I had chest pains and was short of breath - which I treated myself with a bottle of vodka and two bottles of wine. As you can imagine I was a little surprised when I woke up the next morning, then I was annoyed, and finally in distress at the size of my hangover!!

Oh well I thought, and made an appointment to see my doctor, which I got for the next day when I described some of my symptoms. As I had been given an ‘urgent’ appointment I didn’t see my regular male doctor, but instead a young female doctor who I liked very much. Anyway, to cut a long story short, and after lots of tests, visits to the hospital, etc. The most serious thing wrong was very high blood pressure (not surprisingly!), and some minor stomach problems. As I liked the lady doctor I have been making all my appointments to see her since. A couple of months ago after discussing my drinking problems with her, she asked me the question, “What’s troubling you?”, and everything came out

I don’t know how long I spent with her (standard appointments are ten minutes long), but it must have been at least thirty to forty minutes. I was shaking, sobbing, a real mess. She was just fantastic (I’m crying again as I write this). I told her that I was pretty certain that I’m transgender - but I just don’t feel that I could cope with transition, as I’d never be able to ‘pass’ as female, and that a poor outcome would just make matters worse. She referred me to a psychiatrist who specialises in gender dysphoria.

About three weeks ago I made my first visit to see the psychiatrist. I was pleased it was a woman, as I’ve always found it much easier to speak to women. I told her everything and she was very nice, but seamed surprised that I didn’t like crossdressing, even in the privacy of my own home. I explained that if I was female I would probably be wearing much the same as I was now (jeans, trainers and a jumper - it is November after all!). Anyway, I did try it a few times and it didn’t give me any pleasure, I just looked ridiculous. If I was a girl, I saw myself as much more the tomboy or geeky type.

I had my next appointment last week, and she seemed to want to focus on “accepting who I am”, and my drinking problems (I’ve been drinking a bottle of vodka most days for a long time). It was nice to talk to someone paid to listen to me for an hour, but I didn’t feel I got much out of it. I came home and got drunk - again!

I’ve been lurking on this site for years as the idea of castration intrigues me, for obvious reasons. I hate my masculinity, I don’t like my genitals, I don’t like the affect testosterone has on me both physically and mentally. I found myself here again last week, an idea forming… What about emasculation without the feminisation? Would it work for me? I could continue to ‘pass’ as male, but without the dreaded testosterone.

I’ve been reading the posts here for a long time, but never actually considered doing anything until now. I’m too much of a coward to consider self administrating drugs I’ve bought online. But now I have a helpful doctor who knows my predicament.

I saw her again on Friday and mentioned it. Her ‘official’ line is that she has to advise against taking any drugs without a prescription (of course). She can’t prescribe them herself, but the psychiatrist may be able to (though unlikely). So I asked what would happen if i took them anyway? And she told me that they (the doctors practise) would of course give me all the help that I needed to stay healthy. I also put it to her that the drugs would probably be a lot less dangerous to my health than my drinking - she agreed!

I haven’t had a single drink since last week when I decided that this just might work for me (I’m not getting ahead of myself, as it might not - I’m keeping my feet very firmly on the ground and being realistic in my expectations). I’m not rushing into anything as I don’t want to mess things up.

So, the plan is this… I’ve stopped drinking for nearly a week now (no withdrawal symptoms - surprisingly!). I’ve already lost a few pounds in weight and have put myself on a healthy diet. I know Christmas is coming up, but this is more important. I can see maybe just a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I next see the shrink at the beginning of January, when I’m going to tell her my plans. If she’s willing to prescribe what I want, brilliant, but if not - I’m doing it anyway.

I don’t plan to start until I get down to a healthy weight, and I am going to stay off the booze. I’m not that massively overweight, but losing at least a couple of stone (28 pounds) would be nice. Then I’m going to ask the doctor for full blood tests, including of course testosterone. Hopefully my liver function will be okay - a couple of months ago it was fine (god knows how!).

I doubt that I’ll start until at least February all being well, and I’m think that I’ll try the following:

Androcur 50mg x 1 a day (or maybe 25mg? can the pills be broken in half?)

Tamoxifen 20mg x 1 day (a little feminisation would be nice (less body hair, etc.) but I don’t want boobs as I need to continue passing as male)

Calcium - to look after my bones (not sure of the dose yet)

Anything else I need to know?

I’m thinking of the lower Androcur dose as I would rather ‘come down’ slowly, than crash my T level. I’ve been putting up with erections and a male libido for years, an extra few weeks won’t make any difference.

My ultimate goal is very simple - to be HAPPY!

I’m keeping my expectations low. I know it won’t cure the gender dysphoria, but it might help (hopefully won’t make it worse). The side effects might be too much for me - hot flushes, lack of energy, poor memory, etc. etc… Though to be honest, I’ve been coping with all of the above from drinking too much for years, so I might not even notice..!

I’m thinking of it as a transition from male to a more neutral gender, under my clothes and in my head. Only if it’s a success would I consider taking things any further. If it’s not for me then at least I’ve tried and can stop at any time. I have some close friends who I’ve already told and have their complete support.

Anyway, sorry for the very long first post. I thought that a little back story would help with any help and advice anyone can give me.

Thanks in advance.

[Ernie of Maine (imported)]

Welcome A-board. Well written .

[nutless1 (imported)]

Hi, welcome aboard.

I cannot address your chemical castration drug questions as I've not gone that route, however I and so many other will cheer you on to achieve whatever goal and route you decide and pursue is best for yourself.

Congratulations on establishing the professional support you have now.

Best wishes and you are in my prayers.

[sparkey49 (imported)]

Welcome and very best of luck in your journey!

[Zebedeee (imported)]

Thank you all for your kind words.

Whatever happens it will be an interesting experience. If it doesn’t work for me, then it’ll certainly be something to tick off my bucket list!

If it does, then it could be a new beginning…

[fhunter]

Androcur 50mg x 1 a day (or maybe 25mg? can the pills be broken in half?)

Tamoxifen 20mg x 1 day (a little feminisation would be nice (less body hair, etc.) but I don’t want boobs as I need to continue passing as male)

Calcium - to look after my bones (not sure of the dose yet)

Anything else I need to know?

1. Yes, pills can be broken in half.

2. Do not do abrupt changes to androcur dose. Changes should be slow.

3. boobs - I got a lot more from 4 months on estrogen than I got from 7 months on androcur. On androcur, for the most part it was 'sensitive nipples and minor growth'. In any case - tamoxifen with androcur would probably turn you fully asexual (but I have no personal experience with it, only seen other reports on the forum).

4. Androcur dose - the recommended way is - "get high dose, (~150-100 mg/day) for a few weeks/month, then slowly lower it to maintenance dose. It does not crash your testosterone levels anyway (does not work that way).

[Zebedeee (imported)]

1. Yes, pills can be broken in half.

2. Do not do abrupt changes to androcur dose. Changes should be slow.

3. boobs - I got a lot more from 4 months on estrogen than I got from 7 months on androcur. On androcur, for the most part it was 'sensitive nipples and minor growth'. In any case - tamoxifen with androcur would probably turn you fully asexual (but I have no personal experience with it, only seen other reports on the forum).

4. Androcur dose - the recommended way is - "get high dose, (~150-100 mg/day) for a few weeks/month, then slowly lower it to maintenance dose. It does not crash your testosterone levels anyway (does not work that way).

Thank you! That’s very useful information.

I may be being a little over cautious about things - but I would rather be that way than gung-ho…

[MikeGrant (imported)]

I loved the Magic Roundabout! Does taking a simple calcium tablet counter the bone density lose, or is it more acute than that?

Boing! Time for bed said Zebedee

[Zebedeee (imported)]

I loved the Magic Roundabout! Does taking a simple calcium tablet counter the bone density lose, or is it more acute than that?

Boing! Time for bed said Zebedee

Say what you like about the 1970’s, children’s television back then was great! I’m sure the weather was better too - but that might just be nostalgia…

Anyway, in addition to my own research (on here and elsewhere), I’ll be speaking to my doctor before I start taking any anti-androgens. She may even be able to prescribe anything I need to prevent me from harming myself. At the very least she can advise.

I’ll post any useful information on here.

After I told her my plans last week, she said that she would do a little research for me on ‘androgen deprivation therapy’, so that if it works for me hopefully there won’t be too many nasty surprises. As I said, she’s fantastic - I can’t believe my luck finding her…

From what I gather so far, bone damage isn’t much of an issue in the short term. More of a long term problem if you choose to stay hormone free.

I’m sure I read a post somewhere advising 1000mg calcium a day - but I may be wrong.