Dave craps on a movie (Assassin's Creed, 2016)

[Dave (imported)]

Assassin's Creed -- a 2016 movie after the video game. It should have stayed a video game.

The plot is that the Assasin's Guild is waving humanity by keeping the "Apple of Eden" from the Templars. The Templars want to use it to genetically reprogram humanity into peaceful, no free will left worshippers. (nothing like role reversals to make a movie confusing)

And that isn't a movie plot, it's a video game setup that historically stupid and metaphysically bereft of intellect.

So the "Templars" grab a guy off death row because he the genetic heir to an assassin from 1492 (Columbus sailed the ocean blue) and shove his half-naked body into a machine that lets him relive his genetic memories. His ancestor hid the Apple of Eden.

It's a mess of strongly blurry fight scenes between lots of constipated dialog, ancestors who seem to be duplicates of living people (I guess that was a machine function, like who cares) , and the fake invocation of Tomas de Torquemada as the big religious bad guy, and lots and lots of running. Running, running, running. more running interrupted by fighting.

For those who love fight scenes with swords, knives and lots of kicks and jumping around -- this must be the biggest show on earth.

Me? I was bored. Intellectually, I never was invested in the weird love affair in the movie, the high tech memory machine, the father-daughter/science-faith conflict and a really stupid philosophical explanation, nor did I ever truly check my brain at the door.

Robbie Collin of the Daily Telegraph said it best:

"For everyone who thought Dan Brown's conspiracy novels were just lacking a spot of parkour, Assassin’s Creed might be your favorite film of the year. But for the clinically sane 99.9 percent of the rest of us, it’s rather less exciting."

(and I like Dan Brown's first two novels. After that, his books suck)

Let me explain -- in those two stories, Brown invented reasons for the Templars and the Illuminati in a way that entertained and engaged. None of it was historically accurate but Brown, in his clumsy way, invented characters and situations that we cared about. His later novels failed at that formula but that's another matter.

And one more thing -- if another shit-fer-brains writer uses the quote from the Bhagavad Gita -- "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" -- out of context again. I'm going to beat his ignorant brain to mush Because what they think it means, it doesn't.