When I was 3 I was molested by my father only once but that was enough. At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. At around the same time I became a fanatical christian. I learned from my Christian friend that we need to repress sexual thoughts. In 1994 after reading the Bible and recalling Matthew 5:29,30 Cut off a member of your body and cast it in Hell fire if it offends you stuff.. So I made a promise that if I masturbated again I would cut it off.. 2 days later I masturbated.. A voice claiming to be God came to me and told me to go baptize myself in the nearby river. After I did the voice then said "Now you must fullfill ALL your promises!" so for 4 years I had a voice telling me to cut my dick off because God demanded it. Then 1998 I stopped being a Christian and became a Buddhist. All that weight of Gods judgement on me was uplifted. But then a new voice came to me.. It was the voice of my Lama (Buddhist Teacher) and for 12 long years it called me a monstrous pervert and would call up sexual idea's with children babies, woman, men it was RELENTLESS it went on for 12 years it drove me absolutly crazy. in 2015 my Lamas voice finally left me. When he left me I was able to stop masturbating without any force of willpower.. I just stopped. I was Happy.. I never felt so content and happy.. then in May of 2016 the Lama voice came back and I started Masturbating again. He did leave in August but I still Masturbated.. I had been frustrated with this masturbating stuff again. I Loathed it.. I hated it. I hated my self for doing it. I told my Therapist this and he wondered why I felt this way.. I told him because I didnt feel in control.. He wondered why I felt I needed to control my masturbation Habits because He asked me if my masturbation habits intruded on my capacity to live life? Was it causing any real problems. There are men who Masturbat 25 times a day and they have a problem with it.. I'm just doin it once a week. Why do I feel not in control? and It came out Because I didnt want to be like my father who coouldnt control himself from molesting me.. I was worried I would be like my father. THIS IS WHY I am so frustrated, against, determined to stop with masturbating because I feel it shows I dont have control of myself. If I can control my Masturbation I can make sure I wont repeat my Dads behavior. I told him him how I had been thinking of becomming a Eunuch because of this. and I told him how I'm right now looking for OTC stuff to help lower my libido. He was a little sad that I said I still want to look for a way to cut down so I'm still doin the OTC search for a remedy for this he wants me to report to my Doctor what I am taking. So yeah there it is.

I saw my therapist again on Thursday March 16th.. He is trying to get me to think that Masturbation is ok.. But I just feel to strongly about what I feel is my Masturbation habits under control.. While I dont have a problem like those who do it 25 times a day.. I feel like once a week is too much.. I wish to only masturbate once every 2 to 3 months.. There was a time when I could do that but for some reason i've lost that control. If I can get some OTC drug/herb to help me with this problem that would be great. He just doesnt seem to understand how strongly I feel about this.

Do you feel masturbation is intruding on your life such that it's preventing other things from happening, IE the things that you need to do in normal life?

If you were masturbating 5 times a day, perhaps I could understand, but if it's once or twice a week, that's perfectly natural. That said, you have to be comfortable with you, but please do continue with your sessions. I think they will help, ultimately.

While it's not stopping me from functioning it is calling up thoughts of becoming a eunuch. I think that there is a warning sign that something is wrong.

Next session Thurday March 23

Today we talked about my Masturbation habits when I was younger in particular as a teenager.. it was about twice a week.. Then when I turned 19 and became a Christian and only would hang with "Christian Kind" they taught me that sex was bad. We would advert our eyes if a gorgeous girl came by. My Therapist wondered how I might have become a different person if I had not become a Christian. He then said he admired me because I'm a Hermit like person always hanging out at home and I spend most of my time feeding my head. I'm always reading trying to educate myself and he liked that and he said he wondered. Am I focusing my thoughts on higher things and me wanting to be a eunuch is a part of me kind of trying to take away the lower fleshly things and I'm trying to raise myself intellectualy. The other stuff we spoke about has no bearing on this site..

Next session Thursday March 30th

Wow we covered a lot today. I dont know If I can remember everything we spoke about. We spoke about how I was thinking about becomming a Monk and that 2 things are holding me back. One is that I have a Mental Illness and Buddhist Monastaries do not allow people with Mental Illness in their ranks. Second is I want a wife and most monastaries do not allow wives. Those that do are also against having sex even while married. In 2015 I made a Major decision to be a monk and If I could not be one I would live my life as close as I can as a monk. I'd say I'm doing a pretty good job about that. We spoke about how I feel alienated when I'm around other guys. They are always lusiting after woman.. They just have to look once at a beautiful girl and all they want to do is have sex with her. I have it perfectly seperated in my mind when it comes to lust and attractivness.. I can recognize the beauty of a woman without any sexual thought arise in my mind.. Because Attractive is attractive.. when you look at a flower is it not beautiful? So is a woman.. I do not desire her sexually I just admire the beauty. I feel like I'm the only guy who thinks this way. For 12 LONG years I heard the voice of my Lama nagging me all the time about sex.. If a small child would be seen by just out of the corner of my eye the voice would jump in and tell me that I wanted to have sex with the child. I most certainly did not. This went on and on once every three minutes he would nag me. It was relentless. I would tell him my actual thoughts on the subject how I do not lust.. How I believe that just invisioning having sex with a woman without their consent is mental rape.. He would say.. "Your lying to yourself.. your a monstrous pervert!" The only rest I found from this voice was sleep. But h'es gone now.. Has been for quite some time.. And I am extremely relieved. I told my therapist that I feel like I'm in a car that just wont stop even when I put on the brakes.. My standards of the frequency of masturbation is different than most men.. I feel doing it once every 2 to 3 months is the acceptable amount. I feel much more happy and content when doing it at this level. My Therapist felt that in Buddhist terms I am averting the issue.. I told him about how Buddhist monks meditate when they see a beautiful woman they visualize the blood and guts on the inside of the woman so that they can avert their sexual urges.. Why is my way any different? My Therapist feels I'm beating myself up too much (To the point of considering a full nullification) He feels that I should accept sex and stop being afraid of it. My Dad molested me and now I fear that I could follow in his footsteps and the only way I can stop that is to be a eunuch.

Oyktiro1 (imported) wrote: Fri Mar 31, 2017 3:26 pm Next session Thursday March 30th

My Dad molested me and now I fear that I could follow in his footsteps and the only way I can stop that is to be a eunuch.

There was an interesting study and I wish I could find the link for you but it had to do with boys who had been molested. Boys who were traumatized by the events are less likely to abuse than boys who enjoyed the sexual experience and felt the adult was teaching them about sex. The boys who thought they were learning about sex would grow up to show children about the joy of sex. Where those of us who were traumatized are not likely to abuse because we would not bring the horror on another that was brought on ourselves.

That is an interesting observation because of my experience in the legal and mental health professions, all studies I've seen show that any boy that has been abused, especially those who were sexually abused, are at a much higher percentage risk of both being actual sexual abuse offenders, and repeat offenders at an even higher rate than within the general male population. Throw in a mental health diagnosis and offending and repeat offending further increases the percentage.

Also interesting is the thought among those who are or those desiring to become a cleric (monk, priest, rabbi, pastor), have the thought that becoming a cleric will somehow remove the thought and control of past sexual abuse and fear of or desire to also be a sexual abuser of others. The Roman Catholic sexual abuse scandal revealed that among priests and deacons who sexually abused boys, truly believed that when they became a priest or deacon their past abuse and desire to abuse would somehow disappear. Unfortunately, that was not the reality. Another interesting study fact is that those sexually abused as a boy, and who attended seminary as young men, and went on to become sexual abusers themselves as clerics. Those facts alone say much. were again sexually abused by clerics teaching in the seminary

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri Mar 31, 2017 11:17 pm There was an interesting study and I wish I could find the link for you but it had to do with boys who had been molested. Boys who were traumatized by the events are less likely to abuse than boys who enjoyed the sexual experience and felt the adult was teaching them about sex. The boys who thought they were learning about sex would grow up to show children about the joy of sex. Where those of us who were traumatized are not likely to abuse because we would not bring the horror on another that was brought on ourselves.

As I search for the article I mentioned I will post other information that might be helpful.

http://1in6.org/family-and-friends/myths/

Myth 7 – The myth that boys who are sexually abused will go on to abuse others.

This myth is especially dangerous because it can create terrible fear in boys and men. They may not only fear becoming abusers themselves, but that others will find out they were abused and believe they’re a danger to children. Sadly, boys and men who tell of being sexually abused often are viewed more as potential perpetrators than as guys who need support.

While it is true that many (though by no means all) who sexually abuse children have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most boys who are sexually abused go on to sexually abuse others. The majority of boys do not go on to become sexually abusive as adolescents or adults; even those who do perpetrate as teenagers, if they get help when they’re young, usually don’t abuse children when they become adults. (See Am I Going to Become an Abuser? What if I Already Have?)

nutless1 (imported) wrote: Sat Apr 01, 2017 5:22 am That is an interesting observation because of my experience in the legal and mental health professions, all studies I've seen show that any boy that has been abused, especially those who were sexually abused, are at a much higher percentage risk of both being actual sexual abuse offenders, and repeat offenders at an even higher rate than within the general male population. Throw in a mental health diagnosis and offending and repeat offending further increases the percentage.

Also interesting is the thought among those who are or those desiring to become a cleric (monk, priest, rabbi, pastor), have the thought that becoming a cleric will somehow remove the thought and control of past sexual abuse and fear of or desire to also be a sexual abuser of others. The Roman Catholic sexual abuse scandal revealed that among priests and deacons who sexually abused boys, truly believed that when they became a priest or deacon their past abuse and desire to abuse would somehow disappear. Unfortunately, that was not the reality. Another interesting study fact is that those sexually abused as a boy, and who attended seminary as young men, and went on to become sexual abusers themselves as clerics. Those facts alone say much. were again sexually abused by clerics teaching in the seminary

Well this doesnt make me feel any better.. I hope Tugon can produce some reports..