Hello,

I've just a couple though to share, which I think are, in my case, related to

the desire of being castrated.

This has to deal with sexual abuse during childhood I happen to be victim of

I won't give any details concerning the abuse, but it had long last effect over

the years (depression, risk taking, drug, becoming a gay escort during college...).

I was exited to the idea of castration for a long time, as a fantasy. A couple month

ago I had to deal with post trauma, leading to accept the reality of my memories.

For some reason, this has made me more confident in not wanting to be "male"

anymore, and to take the idea of castration more seriously.

I don't really see myself as a woman although I would like to be "cute", soft skin,

etc... The idea of having a caring partner (who could be either a man or a woman),

that would accept an eunuch, not as a "fantasy sex slave" (stories from the EA have

troubled me a bit) but as a person sounds plausible.

Well, this is not a life story I guess, so sorry if it's not the good forum.

Looking at your situation please make sure you have dealt fully with your issues before actually getting castrated because it could actually exasterbate your existing issues like self esteem and depression!

Thank you for the advise sparkey!

I think I have dealt with most of my issues, while I am not sure this kind of issues can just be cured with pills or psychotherapy.

While not planning to go through the process without having time (at least a year) to think it through, in my mind, it could actually be an help concerning self-esteem : having low self-esteem while being male is socially not really accepted, I may be wrong but it seems that mental vulnerabilities are more socially accepted for female.

I went through some stuff with an older brother (6 years) as a kid that contributed I believe to my dislike of my genitals and starting of banding and other stuff as a teenager. This desire only grew over the years so I understand where you are coming from! I hope I am not sending mixed messages because there is no intent of that just what thoughts I can share. It took me from a kid till 52 to realize a true start towards fulfillment of my desires! I was a member here for around 3 years before starting my journey for real. I probably have more self esteem now than I ever had before probably from feeling like I am much more who I am meant to be!

Thank you for answering, you're not sending mixed signals by being honest!

For me, it's not only that I dislike the view of my genitals, but that I feel not comfortable

when penetrating someone. I enjoy the moment and can orgasm but it's not feeling right

somewhat.

The castration, or maybe castration and penectomy, would be a way to be sure not to have

to penetrate. I think I'll rather enjoy being penetrated and giving pleasure, I can already do

that without using my penis, but eventually your partner want to make you come.

More deeply I am attracted toward feminine behavior even if it seems stereotypical, I would

like to chose nice clothe, to be seen as soft and caring, it would better reflect my inner self

I think.

if it helps you come to terms with who or what you are then i hope this helps. I am an only kid ,never abused and in a happy family. Many years later I found out that m mother really ,really wanted a girl and use to dress me in girls clothes until I was about 4 years old.As I got older my cousins came to stay as we were in the country.I never liked my male cousin but really liked my female cousin.We used to play dressing up games and at about 8 years old started to play with our genitals.I can remember kissing her between the legs at about 8 yrears . After this my male cousin was banned but Judith was still allowed to stay.Unknown to my Father ,my mother used to help both of us dress up.It was my female cousin who , a few years older than me and found out about castration when I was about 11. Dressing up and playing castration games went on till I was about 13 or 14 .I buried the memories for many years but the underlying fascination with castration was embedded.Time passed, I have 2 married and happy daughters, I have been married for 40 years and have a very supportive wife. Being castrated ,at last, has been the best thing I have done, wish I had found that years ago.I cross dress , in secret ,and have an occasional play partner who is male .With the help of testosterone gell I can still service my wife . These days I identify myself as a eunuch to anyone who wants to know. Since I still look male few ask or suspect. My mistake was burying my underlying tendencies for most of my life.Having converted to a eunuch and come to terms with my bi sexuality I am really happy.My advice is to convert , as the sort of relationship you are lokking for is possibe.

As a post script, I had not seen my female cousin for decades, until last month.I asked her if she remembered the games we used to play.She remembered right enough.She admitted she had always wanted to castrate someone and had an internet addiction related to castration.When I told her I was a eunuch and showed her my empty crutch she was excited and said If only you had told me years ago we could have done it some way. If only....

Stephanie.

Thank you for your answer Stephanie,

Looks like the ideas/desire about castration start quite early. At least for some people. And is

related to child sexual behavior at some point.

To be honest I think I was having fantasy of being castrated from 9/10. But the abuse surely

played a big role in that. It was a really ugly stuff, not a group rape but the same person over years,

don't know if "father" is appropriate for this kind of person but I have no synonym.

In a way becoming an eunuch prevents me 100% of doing such stuff. I am not attracted to kid and after

knowing what it does, I am sure that even keeping balls I will never be a danger. But there is a difference

between knowing this and be physically unable of rape.

Moreover I have no kid yet, and I although I would like to raise a child I would prefer an adopted kid than

one coming from my seeds.

Now, I am more in peace with the past, but I don't see me as a male, that is for sure.

How one identifies is interesting like for myself I never really enjoyed intercourse though there was some pleasure. Now I really can't have intercourse as a result of the shrinkage and minimal erections which is perfect for me as there are many other ways to satisfy my wife. I would probably try to have my penus removed if anything were to happen to her and I would still want to remain male. I have come to like the boobs that have developed and their sensitivity when she plays with them though I don't think I want them to get too large. Almost everyone I work with a lot of friends and family all know I am castrated and have had no negative consequences of letting it be open and if anyone has a problem it is their problem is what I decided which probably helps my self esteem even in locker rooms I don't hide anything anymore. I don't think most people really notice.

Sounds to me as a very sweet life. Lucky you!

I do not often think about my reasons for being castrated since it has been so many years now. I was also sexually abused as a child and this lead to a lot of acting out and negative behaviors. Being sexualized at a young age caused me to be very sexually precocious at a young age. I remember riding my bicycle to a gas station where I offered the attendant oral sex. Oral sex is what I first provided and in a sense it became what I was. My role in life was to be a cocksucker. Well victim and cocksucker and it was post castration that I learned to stop being a victim.

I also was never comfortable in my body under the influence of testosterone. Even though I live primarily in my head and my body is a transportation device for my brain it serves it's purpose. Having learned to be a victim I did suffer adult sexual abuse which drove me further out of my body. The body that I was never in synch with due to not feeling male but not wanting to be female. As a non T eunuch my body looks neither masculine or feminine. The weight and the redistribution of fat has given me a Rubenesque figure. The fat also keeps people from being interested in me sexually.

The abuse and early victimization also caused sexual addiction. Some call it a compulsion but I did not just crave sex as much as I was needing bigger and riskier thrills. So I was at the point where I was not happy with me, comfortable in my body and genuinely putting myself at risk for sexual thrills. Castration was in a way my Break Glass In Case Of Emergency. Once I was castrated I could regain my life. I could learn to be happy with myself or at least accept myself.