Hello
Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 8:42 pm
Hi all I'm the new guy. I've been hanging around and reading various threads on here for the last several weeks, finally decided to register and join the conversation and thought I'd start with an introduction. I'm 32, live in the midwest, and have what I can best describe as male to eunuch gender dysphoria. While I'm into "guy" stuff like sports, cars, etc, since early puberty (probably about 13 or 14) I've never really felt like I belong in my body. I always had a tough time describing it because I've never identified as a woman, I just didn't feel like I identified as a man either. I've struggled with this to various degrees since puberty. Most of the time its just been a nagging annoyance in the back of my mind but occasionally I've fallen into a deep almost debilitating depression over it. At first I thought I might just be gay. I experimented with other boys in high school and it wasn't that. I'm definitely attracted to women, but my body issues have made any ongoing sexual relationship impossible and ultimately derailed every romantic relationship I've been in. When I was a teenager I attempted to talk with a therapist about my issues. We didn't get into the specifics of my gender identity mainly because until very recently I had no idea how to even begin to describe it. Unfortunately things didn't go well and ultimately I feel like he broke my trust. The logical part of my brain knows that my experience was an anomaly but nonetheless I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to a therapist since then.
Over the years I've thought of castration, but in more of a fantasy context as I never really considered it to be a real option. Then about 2 months ago I was browsing YouTube and as often happens with me I watched one video, then clicked one of the "related videos" and before I knew it I was watching something completely different. After a few videos I happened to come across a video depicting a man having his scrotum cut open, his spermatic cords tied, and testicles cut off (I'm guessing many if not all of you have seen the same video) and it was like flipping a switch. Barely an hour and certainly not a day has gone by since that I haven't thought about and desired to be similarly castrated. Seeing that video prompted a Google search and I came across a website and forum featuring others who had already undergone or were considering castration. Lots of different reasons but I felt I could relate to most of them at some level. Maybe it has become more than just a fantasy, but a very real option for me.
So that's where I'm at now. I'm not in any kind of hurry to do anything. I want to make sure my latest feelings on the subject are more than fantasy. Its possible if not likely that a therapist can help me sort through my feelings quicker, easier, and possibly more accurately than I can by myself. But as I said above I'm not sure I am or ever will be ready for that and if it comes down to it I know there are legitimate medical options out there that don't require a therapist which I find comforting. In any case I'm not going to do anything until I'm absolutely sure. I've decided to take plenty of time to make a decision and, especially if I opt not to see a therapist, not allow myself to proceed for at least 3 months after I think I've made a decision just to be sure. I've lasted this long and I can always get castrated later, but I can't reattach them later. In the meantime I have to and will be considering things like if and what kind of HRT I would want to undergo. If I do it will be low-normal dose testosterone. One of the first things I plan to do is a trial run with chemical castration to see how my body reacts to no testosterone as that will help me decide whether or not to go forward or what if any testosterone treatments I want to consider. I probably won't start with that until January as its basically a chemistry experiment and I don't want to be dealing with some of the possible if not likely effects during the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years holiday season. Also will be considering cosmetic issues such as scrotal reduction, though my research so far suggests this shouldn't happen at the same time as castration anyway.
I'm sure I'll be popping in to various forums with random thoughts and questions over at least the next several months. Any insight you can give would be appreciated and help me greatly. And if its meant to be, hopefully in time I'll announce my "fully qualified member" status on the surgical castration forum.
Over the years I've thought of castration, but in more of a fantasy context as I never really considered it to be a real option. Then about 2 months ago I was browsing YouTube and as often happens with me I watched one video, then clicked one of the "related videos" and before I knew it I was watching something completely different. After a few videos I happened to come across a video depicting a man having his scrotum cut open, his spermatic cords tied, and testicles cut off (I'm guessing many if not all of you have seen the same video) and it was like flipping a switch. Barely an hour and certainly not a day has gone by since that I haven't thought about and desired to be similarly castrated. Seeing that video prompted a Google search and I came across a website and forum featuring others who had already undergone or were considering castration. Lots of different reasons but I felt I could relate to most of them at some level. Maybe it has become more than just a fantasy, but a very real option for me.
So that's where I'm at now. I'm not in any kind of hurry to do anything. I want to make sure my latest feelings on the subject are more than fantasy. Its possible if not likely that a therapist can help me sort through my feelings quicker, easier, and possibly more accurately than I can by myself. But as I said above I'm not sure I am or ever will be ready for that and if it comes down to it I know there are legitimate medical options out there that don't require a therapist which I find comforting. In any case I'm not going to do anything until I'm absolutely sure. I've decided to take plenty of time to make a decision and, especially if I opt not to see a therapist, not allow myself to proceed for at least 3 months after I think I've made a decision just to be sure. I've lasted this long and I can always get castrated later, but I can't reattach them later. In the meantime I have to and will be considering things like if and what kind of HRT I would want to undergo. If I do it will be low-normal dose testosterone. One of the first things I plan to do is a trial run with chemical castration to see how my body reacts to no testosterone as that will help me decide whether or not to go forward or what if any testosterone treatments I want to consider. I probably won't start with that until January as its basically a chemistry experiment and I don't want to be dealing with some of the possible if not likely effects during the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years holiday season. Also will be considering cosmetic issues such as scrotal reduction, though my research so far suggests this shouldn't happen at the same time as castration anyway.
I'm sure I'll be popping in to various forums with random thoughts and questions over at least the next several months. Any insight you can give would be appreciated and help me greatly. And if its meant to be, hopefully in time I'll announce my "fully qualified member" status on the surgical castration forum.