A husband had just finished reading a book, "You Can Be the Man In Your House." He stormed into the kitchen and confronted his wife. "From now on, my word is law in this house! Every evening, you will prepare me a gourmet meal, followed by a scrumptious dessert. Then when you have finished cleaning up, we will go upstairs and have the type of sex that I want. Following that, you will draw me a bath so that I may relax. When I am finished, you will towel me dry before you massage my feet and hands. And in the morning, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

Giving him an icy stare his wife replied, "Who is going to dress you and comb your hair in the morning? The damn funeral director would be my first guess!"

You know the joke that "Weasel" has in Deadpool:

A man is taking to a doctor after an exam and the doctor says:

"You have a fatal illness. You will die in 5..." and stops talking.

And the man, shocked and angry says:

"Tell me 5 months, 5 y..."

The doctor interrupts to say:

"4, 3, ..."