I think I'll post my thoughts in this forum, sort of like a journal.

I made an appointment with a psychologist yesterday. The earliest time that fits my schedule is March 24th, 2016. I googled "gender identity psychologist" and my area and a few were listed, one in the next town over. The one in the next town over is a woman which is good for me. I'd be uncomfortable telling a man that I'd like my balls cut off. I don't know much about psychotherapy but I'd think the average male therapist would automatically be biased toward protecting the balls. I think most men would rather die than lose their nuts. I think to most men their balls are more important to them than life itself. I think a woman would be more likely to be not biased.

There are some certaintaties as of today. if during some deep soul searching I decide to keep my balls, that's OK. I would know it was a well thought out decision. If I decide to have them removed, that's great. That would also be a well thought out and considered decision. Whether my balls stay or go, I'm certain that I can't continue to be obsessed with having them removed. I'm being completely consumed by this and have been for some time and that's unhealthy. If I did decide to be castrated, I'd already have a history with a therapist, and with some surgeons documentation from a therapist is required, so that's good.

I'm also excited to tell my story to someone, I won't be shy or embarrassed talking about this with her in her office. I know I won't have problems opening up, it's just how I am. I'm normally pretty reserved with people, and in conversation with others I listen and observe more than I talk, but I'm going to see her specifically to talk. I feel for the men who can't talk about it.

My wife an I have had 4 brief discussions about this so far after she found images on my iPad.

- The first I explained to her what it was about and the advantages and why the images were on my tablet. Her response was "I won't do that for you. I'll make you go to a surgeon". So.... that's good.

-The second we talked for a few minutes about it, I can't remember the content but it ended with, "if you decide to, I might not let you".

-In the third discussion she told me about the time that she was at the vascectomy surgeon with me. She told me that she thought the surgeon thought she was cruel for making me do this instead of her having it done to her. She said that she felt that it's my body, and my decision. A man having a vascectomy for birth control is far safer than deep surgery for a woman. It'd be crazy to have her do it instead of me. We have very good reason for my vascectomy at the age of 36.

-in our fourth discussion this morning we talked about mistakes that I've made, that I regret making. I responded by telling her about not doing some things when I was younger that I always wanted to do, and that I now regret. It's very unfortunate that I can't predict the future.

It's good to have a wife that I can talk to about this. Chances are good that many wives would flip their lid If they found out that their husbands want their family jewels removed. On the other hand, some women joke about cutting off their man's nuts.

I also think my wife does not understand yet the depth and seriousness of this, and that it's uncommon for men to want to have their balls cut off voluntarily and that it's even more uncommon for men to follow through with it. She may think it's common for men to be castrated. I'll have to talk to her again soon and make sure she isn't making jokes about it in front of our friends.

The male chastity disaster.

Two years ago we decided to give male chastity a shot. The point of chastity is the husband's penis is locked into a device that prevents erections and orgasms. The wife holds the key to the device. We believed as we had read all over the Internet and in some books that the sexual energy of a male with a high libido is spread in all directions, he'll think about sex all the time, would masturbate often, and given the chance could cheat (I'm not a cheater). It was said that the male would have no sexual energy left at the end of a day for his wife, and would ignore her or turn to masturbation. According to the rules of the game the keyholder teases the hell out of the chaste, increasing his sexual energy and he would have to direct all of that energy toward the keyholder, pursuing her and pleasing her by doing chores and pleasing her sexually whenever she wanted, and in hopes that she would release him in return.

The reality.

Come to find out asking my wife to lock my penis into a stainless steel cage didn't turn her into a sex craved porn star demanding sex any time, any place, every day and every night. Also, come to find out, my wife isn't a natural cock tease. It was very difficult for my wife to whisper naughty things in my ear, to send me texts, to tease me relentlessly, to keep me sexually charged so that I'd want to pursue her. She said she understood the game and that she'd tease me. In exchange I'd be vacuuming floors, washing dishes, cleaning up after meals, folding laundry, etc in an effort to get her wet so she'd unlock me.

Didn't work.

She didn't tease me. I didn't step up the chores. I worked all day supporting the family, she was home all day doing chores. I wasn't doing chores after working all day. She was too busy doing chores all day to tease me, and the teasing was unnatural for her. I'd be locked for a week to two weeks at a time with little stimulation. She required sex and orgasm only every couple weeks. So instead of turning into attentive husband trying to be a slave to the queen, I began to resent her. Then I'd get mad at her. Then I'd explode at her. It was bad.

Male chastity in our situation, locking my penis in a cage to prevent orgasm, was the same as trying to dam up a stream to stop the flow. It creates a pretty pond for a few days but eventually the pressure will build up enough to breach the dam. And and the dam was breached, explosively.

I haven't been locked in 6 weeks, last night I asked her why. She's told me that she likes me locked... well, for the first few days anyway. She told me that she had just forgotten to lock me. This morning the dam analogy hit me like a ton of bricks. Duh. We talked about it and agreed that neither of us has what it takes to make it work, and that it was a bad idea.

Some good has come out of it though. I do make much more of an effort to please her sexually without the use of my penis, without any return necessary. I masturbate less often now. If I need to masturbate I can. I can release that energy without any explosive resentment of my amazing wife.

Additionally, I'm a strong supporter of the American citizen's Bill of Rights, as written. I'm also very socially liberal so I don't fit into the American left's or right's neat little blue or red boxes. I'm very independent. I carry a concealed firearm often and I often had the nightmare of needing to use the gun defensively and being arrested afterward (as is common) then being strip searched at the jail and my locked penis being found out by the police. That would be embarrassing.

Having no balls, if found while being searched, I don't see as being a problem. I wouldn't be embarrassed. There are lots of men with no balls.

Mistakes and regrets.

I've made some mistakes, and I have some regrets. But, I have a great life. The life that I've chosen instead of following dreams has treated me well.

I have a scrapbook from seventh grade. I was voted by my classmates as "most likely to live on a sailboat". It was all I talked about. I wanted it. In my early twenties I'd sit in my car with my girlfriend watching the sailboats cruise past in the Cape Cod Canal. She knew I dreamed about it. She said she saw the sparkle in my eye when we watched a big sailboat sail by. Well, years later I got married, different girl. We bought a house, got a dog, had kids, and we have a great life. But, these days I'm kicking myself for not following the dream. My wife is great, and I've chosen well. But, there is always the thought of what could have been. It was a mistake to not follow my dream, and I regret it.

I went to school to prepare myself for government tests that would earn me a license to perform a specific job in a very lucrative industry. I got a great job and I liked it. I worked there for 8 years until shortly after the company went bankrupt. It became a miserable place to work. At the time a big company nearby was hiring, different career but similar skills. I got hired and I've been there for 20 years. It pays well, but I hate my job. I'm not leaving, because it pays well, the hours and the benefits are good, it's secure and I can retire in 10 years. My license from the previous career is invalid now. To keep it valid there were a few simple tasks I needed to perform over the years. It'd be too much now to retrain and retest to regain the license. Had I kept my license current I could get out of my awful job and easily step back into the other career that I enjoyed. It's an ever growing industry. I'm kicking myself now for not keeping my license current. It was a mistake, and I regret it.

We bought the house we live in 6 years ago. It is an abutting property to where we lived. We still own that house. This house was a foreclosure, was in poor condition, was ugly, had zero landscaping, etc. another neighbor was trying to buy it. Had he bought it it never would have been improved and being right next to my home.... well, I couldn't have that. So we jumped in quick and bought it. It was exciting at the time, but I knew I may be making a mistake. We did a mountain of work, poured in a pile of money and now it's a beautiful home. Thing is, we spent too much fixing it up. We're not strapped, but we're tight. I want out and move back to our other house, get our money out of this house and and take a fair profit. It's been on the market for over a year. My wife has accepted that we're moving sooner or later, but she likes this house. It's big, and nice. The plan was 10 years, sell it after the kids are over 18 and move back to the smaller house. Buying this house was a mistake, and I regret it. It was poorly thought out and I did it for the wrong reason. But, in the end, someday, there'll be some profit.

8 years ago we bought an apartment house. I did do my homework on it. It's a good house and we have a good group of tenants. The house is profitable, but I no longer want the work. I've had a change of heart. My wife says it was a mistake, but I don't see it that way. The place makes money, I just don't want the work, so I want out. I don't regret buying it, it wasn't a mistake.

I think my point is, we have to do what we have to do. It may be a mistake, but we have to do it. We have good reason for doing it, and there's a very large chance of success.

I might regret having a castration, but it'll be an informed decision. I don't want to be laying on my death bed at 85 years old with big oil' saggy balls wishing that they weren't there, and wishing I had experienced some life without them.

And, follow your damn dreams!