I love my penis, and have from a very young age,

When I was little, I was told if I played with it, it would fall off, but the feeling was so good, my young mind thought it was worth it.

So my penis became like a little friend, who would someday go away, we had fun together, he made me feel nice, would imagine him falling off at school and being picked up by a girl, would I still be able to feel it? That would be great!

As I grew older, I learned that no, my penis was not going to fall off, that had been a warning, because my penis was evil, put dirty thoughts in my head and made me do dirty things.

I felt shocked and betrayed by both adults and my penis for lying to me, was it really evil?

My thoughts then became sexualized towards removing it, I would tie rubber bands around the base of my penis untill it went purple and started to tingle, I would hold scissors and knifes against it, I wanted it gone, but still, it felt so good.

I felt guilty that it felt good, that I was a bad person and a freak for having these thoughts

On to my early relationships, early on, sex was, ok, it felt kinda nice, but was also often quite painful, as I am larger than average apparently and I'm still intact, my foreskin and head were quite sensitive to abuse. It was years before I could orgasm from vaginal sex, and that took a lot of work and made me feel sick afterwards

My anxiety over my thoughts brought about an anxiety over a failure to perform, having nobody open to talking about it (most people I admitted it to were freaked out and refused to talk to me) I was unsure as to my sexuality, I never found men attractive but I thought nobody but a man could understand.

This went on for about 10 years, until very recently, I started opening up to other close friends in my life.

I've always preferred the company of women, I find their intelligence and openness to discussion refreshing, at parties, guys seemed to only talk about trivial things, and whenever I tried to open a more intellectual debate, I was shot down.

So talking about my issue now, after looking back at all my years with some perspective, I wonder if someday, I really do get my penis removed.

I like the thought of it, and those times when I have abstained from orgasm using my penis have been the most erotic of my life, I would masturbate incessantly for days, getting more and more aroused, until I would have the best orgasms of my life. The reduction in sensitivity I think I could deal with, as the thought of looking at and touching my stump fills me with a feeling of satisfaction and joy.

So in the end, I don't hate my penis, I just want to fulfill my original contract with him, he would make me feel good, and I would set him free.

Thanks for listening

Wannabe

I wish that your story have a happy ending

I think with BIID you have to develop a "Love-Hate" relationship with whatever is causing you the problem.

In my case its my nuts ...I love the hormones they produce but hate their presence.

I can't justify surgery for what is a mental issue but can easilly be persuaded otherwise.

As you don't hate your penis have your fun out of him first.

but should it fail to preform later on take out that contract.

Thinking back, I must have been around 8 when I first felt that my penis was wrong for me.

wannabepenisfree (imported) wrote: Fri Nov 13, 2015 6:18 pm My anxiety over my thoughts brought about an anxiety over a failure to perform, having nobody open to talking about it (most people I admitted it to were freaked out and refused to talk to me) I was unsure as to my sexuality, I never found men attractive but I thought nobody but a man could understand. ... So in the end, I don't hate my penis.

Hey @wannabepenisfree,

Welcome. Regarding people not understanding, I have good news. On here almost everyone understands in one way or another. You are among friends and compatriots. Not every persons journey on here is identical to yours, but the similarities outweigh the the differences.

Safety is most important. So, most urgently, don't hurt yourself.

You stated that you both love and hate your penis. Interestingly, you referred to your penis as "him" which means you have a relationship with "him". So, take it one step at a time.

Read the forum posts (especially the sticky ones) there are good answers already posted.

But, most of all know that you have found family here. Once we have you we won't let you drop. Just keep your play safe and keep us up to date.

I do understand what you mean. I hate not only my penis but also my nuts. I should have been born a girl. the few times ive had boy-boy sex I was the girl, and it felt right. hope everything works out for you. michele

I knew from a long time back that I didn't want male genitalia, but on the other hand I didn't want to be a girl either. My ideal is a fit male looking body but without the body hair and with nothing between the legs. I have managed to get rid of my balls and am now looking to go completely smooth. Both myself and my partner really like it that I'm castrated.