Hi Everyone,

I've posted in a few of the other threads before; I guess I should've started here though!

I'm a 33 year old man who has fetishized castration/penectomy for 8 or 9 years. For the past 2-3 years, I've gotten serious about becoming a eunuch--though keeping my penis. I also plan to take HRT since my interest has less to do with the physiological aspects of being a eunuch and more to with the physical and the psychological. Aesthetically, I like the idea of having nothing between my legs but a dick. Psychologically, I sometimes like the idea of being among men and knowing I'm castrated whereas other times I don't. This is one of the main reasons that's been holding me back--a lack of certainty as to whether this is a real need or an overdeveloped desire based on too much fantasy. Will I be happy with the decision or will I regret it? These are the questions I grapple with.

However, what I do know is that I very much WANT this--like I said, "need" isn't clear yet, though it feels like it's moving in that direction--and whenever I consider the possibility of NOT being castrated, of giving it all up, I get very disappointed and sad. I feel a strong resistance to the idea of remaining intact forever. In fact, I often wish--I know how bad this sounds--that I would be in an accident which would REQUIRE me to be castrated so that the deed would be done but the responsibility out of my hands. Heck, it even occurred to me the other day that if somebody said "You could be castrated, but you'd HAVE to get prosthetics" I'd be disappointed, but probably still willing to go ahead with it.

I guess I'm just hoping to open up a conversation here. Those of you who are castrated or who think you might want to be...what pushed or pushes you forward, what held or is holding you back, what did or do you struggle with, and so forth. Maybe we can help each other to some insights.

I was much like you, though I had always felt those little orbs didn't belong.

What pushed me off the fence was the opportunity presented itself, I had been thinking about it for 20 or so years, so I figured no time like the present. This was back in 2005. I don't regret my decision at all - It's the single best gift I ever gave myself.

--LT

You have what appears to be BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder). You really should talk to a suitable professional. But in lieu of that, I suggest that you ask yourself a couple of questions like: Why do I want this? When did I start wanting this?

In my case, I had some difficulty when, while approaching puberty, my father ridiculed my then under-developed penis. This got me quite involved in checking my size and that of my friends! It took me years to get over this fixation.

LoseThem, thanks! That's encouraging to here.

Kangan2008, I think BIID is a pretty accurate diagnosis. I AM talking to a therapist about all of this and thankfully he wants me to do whatever's going to make me most happy, even if what makes me most happy turns out to be getting castrated.

In response to your questions, #1, I want this partly for appearance, partly for the feeling, and partly because it just feels right for me. I can't really explain the last one. It's like sexual orientation; in the same way that I know I'm gay, I feel like I know I'm supposed to be a eunuch. And #2, I started wanting this for real 2-3 years ago. It happened while I was staying for a week with a friend and therefore couldn't have sex or j/o. Initially I thought it was just built-up horniness making me want the thing I usually fantasized about. But then the feeling persisted over time, waxing and waning for 2-3 years until now, when the desire seems to be becoming more consistent.

How did you get over your penis fixation? And do you think your castration is related to the trauma with your father?

All this talk makes me remember one incident with my father. I remember when I was young, and after my parents had split, he said when I got older that I should find a nice woman with kids, adopt them, then get neutered. He actually said neutered. Not sure if that ultimately impacted me or not, but I never felt like they belonged since at least puberty, and this incident happened right about then.

Personally I attribute my ultimately going through with it as simply being because I wanted it and never felt they belonged in the first place, and that I would have arrived at the decision outside of this "influence" from my father, who was rarely around.

One thing I would add is that there is a loss of sensation with the removal of the testis and scrotum. I knew this would be the case but really miss having my nads and sac stimulated during sex sometimes, or just mindlessly scratching my stones after a workout. Only thing I got to play with now is my cock and prostate, which is still fun. I think castration has made my hole and prostate more sensitive too.

My first brush with this, I think, was my city-slicker as saying something in anatomy class not knowing the difference between castration and vasectomy, and it was days before I could pull that foot out of my mouth.

I guess I would say that if it feels right, then it is right for you. Be advised that after castration you will experience various changes. You need to be certain that these changes are desirable or at least tolerable.

As for me, my penis fixation lead me into homosexual experimentation all through my teens. In fact at one point I was convinced that I was homosexual when I was not. Therapy made it possible for me to marry and father 2 children, but some 6-7 years later, I encountered a teenage sex ring, and suddenly I reverted back to being a teenager again (at least in behavior). This got me in trouble with the Law. That's when I knew that I needed castration to remove these dangerous urges.