Andrew's jokes thread, part III

[Andrew (imported)]

A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of

wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown

down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast

enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees

what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then

returns it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat,"

said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then

places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God

bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the

Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the

Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse

named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the

horse comes in first.

In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1,

so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife.

When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught

the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the

track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their

names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named

Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese

horse named Yarmulka."

[Andrew (imported)]

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner.

This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of

failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best

thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper:

Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me

and won't run out on me.

After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling

particularly depressed when the door bell rings.

She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the

front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.

He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover."

"How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!"

"I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't

run out on you!" he said.

"What about being a good lover?" she asked.

He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"