Greetings, and thank you for allowing me to join this forum. Today is my birthday and so my present to myself is to spill my thoughts out into an introduction here.

My thoughts are all over the place and I'm going to do my best to organize them. Because I do not know where to start, I'll give you my vitals: 44 years old, male, gay, totally okay with being gay, experienced no trauma with gayness, coming out, or sexual abuse. Several months ago I finally decided to be celibate, not as an anti-sex morality thing, but because I find sex itself to be a clumsy mess of miscommunication, expectations, self-judgment, and overall personal neuroticism! I'm single, have only had two relationships in the past, one being only four months long, the other maybe a year and a half.

I like being alone. I'm on a spiritual journey. The spiritual journey can be stunted, retarded (in the real meaning of the word), and can even come to a halt when a relationship is part of it. I'm miserable in relationship and quite functional going it solo. Yet whenever I find myself attracted to someone, it not only distracts me from being in the present moment, it can even yank me out of sanity. Attractions have always been a source of pain for me.

Having testicles means the urge to ejaculate is frequent enough that I end up looking at tons of porn, which only exacerbates the problem described above. I have over 850 gigabytes of adult entertainment on my hard drive.

I have a problem with sudden bursts of rage, only directed in secret when I'm by myself. Very small things trigger this.

I know that there are no guarantees. As I see it, though, the only thing testicles do is draw attention to masturbation. For me, this is senseless, time-wasting, mind-numbing, and ultimately destructive.

So I've read several threads here at eunoch.org. I know that even having my testicles removed might have zero impact on my sex drive. I know I'll still have attractions, but sex won't be there to muck up the energy there, if that side effect actually goes away. I have had lifelong chronic depression and bad anxiety. I'm on an SSRI (Citalopram) and a benzo (Clonazapam), as well as medications for diabetes and high triglycerides (similar to high cholesterol, but my problem may be underlying, given how bad they get when untreated). I am about a hundred-fifteen pounds overweight. I have sleep apnea and restless-leg syndrome. They're watching my blood pressure and pulse, which they say is high. My doctor appointments take forever because of the long, repetitive lectures about dieting and exercise which I just can't seem to get myself to do.

Based on readings I've done around the internet, I guess some of this should concern me if I move forward with my desire to be castrated. I do understand that lowering testosterone can help lower the risk of prostate cancer. And it can also make weight loss even more difficult and even promote weight gain (I have bad knees too, made worse by my weight). I have read that it can also make a man's breasts grow. I don't know enough about the hormonal science going on with all of this yet; obviously I have a lot to learn about that. And maybe, being celibate, I should not be so concerned with my appearance anyway.

I'm pleased to be here and thank you all again for this forum. I read with great interest about how worsened depression is not a proven side-effect of castration, for obvious reasons. I enjoyed reading about underwear, and that thread convinced me that if I'm getting castrated, the scrotal sac must go too! I'm staying anonymous here for now, using this nickname that very few people use for me (a small group of folks do know me by this name, but if they are here too, I am not exactly ashamed for them to know!) I posted that I was considering this option, last week, on my facebook wall. This was not a thought well-received! Some found it tragic, some crazy, and my mother just did her worry thing. So I deleted my comment and can only hope that mild cyclone will die down. I don't expect my CNP to be supportive either. I wonder what the best approach might be regarding this medically. I wonder if I should ask her for some chemical castration medication so I can see what it might be like (as I've seen recommended here). And this, in the middle of me wondering if my SSRI is helping with my depression at all (though I know for a fact it is helping with anxiety).

I'm sure there is more I can say. I've said many times, I wish I was asexual. It's a common cliche that sexuality is part of what makes a person whole. I cry foul on that. Maybe some people need it, but I see it as a burden. Something that makes me unhappy. I know doing this isn't a guarantee, but as there's no magic pill, this is the only thing I know of that might work. Or at least help.

Peace,

Pandabear

Welcome,

As a long time member of this forum and a eunuch , I would say that there are many things more important for you to consider right now than being asexual and getting castrated.

I may sound a bit tough , but if you are diabetic with bad knees and 115 pounds overweight, it is high time to diet and exercise or you will have little worry about being asexual because the combination will kill you. The sleep apnea is more than likely related to being so overweight. Many with diabetic issues find that getting their weight under control makes that go away. In addition, exercise and a good healthy diet will aid in dealing with depression/anxiety. It is well known that obesity affects both.

Porn is a pervasive thing that is even creeping into broadcast television, so it is not easily escaped. Having the willpower to simply not view it is within you, you just have to do it. Masturbation especially to porn is a fairly easily controlled thing, again it simply takes maturity and a level of restraint. At 44 , you should have enough mental strength to deal with those compulsions.

Castration is not a solution to other behaviors. Relationships are complicated , and how one acts in one is what makes them work or not. Just because you are "involved" with another human does not make it a good choice, nor does it make the person you are involved with the right choice for you. Far too many people become obsessive in relationships, lose themselves, and fail to continue to grow as an individual. Just because you are seeing someone does not mean that your own passions in other directions should not be nurtured. A good relationship is a give and take that enriches both people. Remember too that everyone you deal with regularly is a relationship, be it family, co-workers or even the next door neighbor. The only difference in a dating relationship is the level of intimacy, and you can and should dictate what works for you.

Finally after beating on you , I will advise that the best first step is to get busy , and dedicate yourself to diet and exercise to improve your health. Once that is under way , put some effort into counseling to deal with depression and anxiety, seeing your GP and getting "happy pills" will not make the underlying issues go away. Way too many people today are medicated when reality is they just need to vent, and or face the issues that bring on depression. It is also OK to not be totally "happy" all the time. Life has ups and downs.

Please put castration away for now, it would be a disastrous mistake to even pursue the idea until you have dealt well with weight and depression issues.

Raymar

Hi Pandabear, Welcome.

Reading your post my thoughts centred on your general health, medication and weight. Then reading Raymar's comments he has put it all in perspective so well. If becoming asexual/eunuch really is the right path for you, the process of getting yourself healthy enough to embark on this journey will help you ensure that this really is for you. In your current physical and mental state it would be exceedingly dangerous to embark on any form of eunuch journey without proper medical guidance.

To remain healthy you have some work to do.

I hope this helps. You will find lots of help and advice here.

Many diabetes medicines cause weight gain. I suggest that you look up your drug and if it does cause weight gain try to get your doctor to switch you to one that does not cause weight gain. I have heard the Metformin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metformin is very good. The Life Extension Foundation recommends it for non-diabetics because it reduces inflammatory cytokines.

You might want to ask your doctor if you can try other SSRIs. They do not all work the same. I think that fluoxetine (Depex, Prozac, Fontex, Seromex, Seronil, Sarafem, Ladose, Motivest, Flutop, Fluctin (EUR), Fluox (NZ), Depress (UZB), Lovan (AUS), Prodep (IND)) is usually considered to be a good first choice. St John's wort might work better for you than an SSRI but you probably will have trouble getting your doctor to agree.

Thank you for the thoughtful replies.

To be brief about it, I was diagnosed with Type-2 in 2006, and did the exact opposite of what I was told to do about diabetes.

I was told to eat a high fiber, low fat, lots of "healthy" whole grain, and no sugar diet. The no sugar part I did. The rest, I dismissed as Big Pharma run amok making money off of making people miserable.

Why eat a diet that spikes blood sugar and raises A1C over time, and requires more medication to treat?

Low carb and avoidance of processed junk food is the way to go. Weight loss soon followed, from a 38" waist to a 32" now. I dropped about 50 lbs. without even trying. I take NO medications of any kind, and I have normal blood sugar numbers. Lots of meat - from the meat case, and above-ground vegetables, no grains, are the best way to treat it. Of course, this is going to rule out most of the stuff you find in the grocery store, with the exception of the meat case and the produce bin. I also eat a lot of real cheese and eggs.

For me, managing blood sugar hasn't been that much of a problem.

The medical community knows how to treat it, they just don't want you to know.

Paolo wrote: Thu May 08, 2014 4:01 pm To be brief about it, I was diagnosed with Type-2 in 2006, and did the exact opposite of what I was told to do about diabetes.

I was told to eat a high fiber, low fat, lots of "healthy" whole grain, and no sugar diet. The no sugar part I did. The rest, I dismissed as Big Pharma run amok making money off of making people miserable.

Why eat a diet that spikes blood sugar and raises A1C over time, and requires more medication to treat?

Low carb and avoidance of processed junk food is the way to go. Weight loss soon followed, from a 38" waist to a 32" now. I dropped about 50 lbs. without even trying. I take NO medications of any kind, and I have normal blood sugar numbers. Lots of meat - from the meat case, and above-ground vegetables, no grains, are the best way to treat it. Of course, this is going to rule out most of the stuff you find in the grocery store, with the exception of the meat case and the produce bin. I also eat a lot of real cheese and eggs.

For me, managing blood sugar hasn't been that much of a problem.

The medical community knows how to treat it, they just don't want you to know.

I agree!!!

I agree with Paolo and Devi. I think you should try to get your weight/diabetes under control before making any decisions on castration. I also lost 50 pounds by going low carb (I did Atkins) and I've been able to maintain my weight loss by limiting processed foods, cutting out grains and sugar and eating a healthy amount of meat, veggies and fat! My blood pressure is way down, my LDL, HDL and triglicerides are much much better and I'm not pre-diabetic.

This is a great site to learn more about castration and controlling your sexuality. We can't get rid of it; our true sex organ is our brain. But don't be afraid to read and learn.

Welcome to the EA PandaBear

Listen to Paolo, he's wise beyond his years. I think he's over 100