Pirlouit (imported) wrote: Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:26 am
May be you could explain why you want to take this first? It could help giving a good answer?
I’m not entirely sure if I can give a definitive answer at this point as to what I want.
I wish that I could. My inner sense feels more like something just doesn’t feel right,
Equally It hasn’t been right for a very long time, but I am unclear exactly as to what right really feels like.
I had noticed others had mentioned Estradiol Gel and Spironolactone elsewhere on the website, and felt the need to inquire.
In addition I don’t seem to have a characteristic transgender history. Specifically I don’t have a consistent lifelong inner identification as female. Nor have I any overt gender dysphoria that I am aware of; I don’t look at my genitals and feel a total sense of dislocation and hatred. But I admit I am concious something still feels amiss, in that it looks fine, but it might not really be part of who I am inside.
At this point in my life I am clearly questioning my preconceived gender roles, and hence carefully and respectfully looking around in that regard, hopefully to gain some clarity and growth.
A friend online maybe six months ago suggested that I try being feminine when opportunity presented itself. In private. I did this as an experiment, and to my surprise it has been somewhat of an epiphany. It was an uplifting experience, rather than something sordid.
What surprised me the most was not that this was an erotic experience, (though I did feel more conscious of myself as a sexual being.) but that for the most part it had a wonderful calming effect. I felt a sense of being at peace and validated as a person. I have continued with this for the last six months and these feelings have been a consistent experience. When I do this mainly I just do the housework.
Outwardly no doubt I currently look like some pathetic 50 year old pushing a vacuum around badly dressed in ladies clothes, but I have to say it has been the spur to a lot of positive thinking. It has allowed me to challenge some deeply held notions of myself and gender.
In so doing it has had me pondering what are the possible steps from here that can be examined before taking action?
I do feel the need to put my cards on the table at this point if only for clarity, but I am still fearful of seeing myself alienated from the group.
I’m married to a woman, I have two lovely kids, and I take my role as both husband and father very seriously. But equally I identify as gay, having come out to my wife and myself for that matter, in the first year of our marriage over 17 years ago. I have been faithful to my marriage that entire time ( aside from one slip many years ago.). Because of my wife’s emotional torment over me admitting to being gay and her religious beliefs we operate in a continual process of denial. In essence a very personal form of, Don’t ask, Don’t Tell.
While we both survive and in manage in most respect but it has always remained the elephant in the room. It is not something I would recommend to anyone as it has had some significant psychological pitfalls over the years. Causing a great deal of ongoing internal dissonance.
The only reason I mention this at this point, is I think it is important for me to show a measure of honesty with those that choose to respond to me online. Equally it gives a fuller picture of my current situation. Finally and I just speculate this in passing that some of the inner peace I have found in looking at my inner "gurl" ( for want of a better word.) could be attributed to the sense of satisfaction I have had in taking this rather small rebellion. The process of ever so slightly exploring beyond the straight jacket of my current life, while still staying within the bounds of my self imposed integrity.
Hope this doesn’t come across as a completely stupid rant.