I am aspiring to live without sex hormones entirely. I've lived with both testosterone and estrogen, and both have traumatized me in very different but equally intense ways.

I don't know why my body and spirit are so sensitive, why even the smallest shift in one direction of the hormonal balance manifests itself so dramatically in experience.

I've come a long way, yet gone nowhere at all. I feel today as I did many years ago when the reality of puberty dawned upon me; very, very alone, and cold. Cold inside, even colder outside. Only then I had hope, there were options I hadn't explored yet; surely one of them would hold the answer, right?

Being a-hormonal is not advertised as an option in today's society. I don't deny that it's for good reason. But I don't have any other options. I even tried to destroy this body, but that didn't get very far.

I know I'll be at higher risk for all sorts of shit, but I also know that only then will I be truly motivated to give even the slightest care to this body that I've spent my whole life hating, resenting, hurting.

Right now, I don't sleep, I don't eat, I binge on caffeine and over-work to escape the pain until I crash and don't get out of bed for days, then the cycle continues again. I haven't been social in a long time because I don't feel solid enough in myself to meet others. People make assumptions about me based on a reality that I have no control over. I can't be a happier person. I can't get rid of the silent crying that goes on in my head constantly. I didn't come this far in order to end up right back where I started.

It's just a chemical. But the chemical makes me feel unreal. How can you even feel a chemical? I don't know, but I feel it. Every day, I find myself more and more disgusting.

How about, instead of shoving useless anti-depressants down my throat, actually listen and stop erasing my experience before I even open my mouth?

Yes, but

To see a world in a grain of sand,

And a Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in your hand,

And Eternity in an hour.

There's best stuff in your head, yes, but look outside too, for the uplifting and inspirational? Let yourself be amazed and wonder at a sunrise....

I get exhausted of trying to deal with my body; I hate to even think about it, much less talk about it.

I keep reading people's experiences on here about how much castration has benefitted them, and it makes me so incredibly jealous.

It's a lot more complicated for me.

I do try to not think about it, and keep reminding myself of the bigger picture; the scale of the universe containing all of its wonders and mysteries. Seeing myself, my spirit, in many different forms simultaneously. But it takes so much energy. I'm so tired, so worn, so sick of how chronic disembodiment has damaged my essence, turned me into something barely recognizable.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I cried all day. It's been a rough day.

Why do I come here at all? I really don't have a lot to share in the way of helpful experiences. Just unanswered questions, possibly more than the average person here, with less than available answers. I still haven't felt comfortable enough to share what really kills me about testosterone. This is not an over exaggeration; it kills me. I have become a shell of a person, with nothing underneath whatsoever. The only problem is that I've fallen in love with this shell. The external looks real and a little bit closer to authentic than it ever was before I transitioned, and I am deathly afraid of losing that after all I sacrificed to obtain it.

I spent heinous amounts of time ogling over the shell, trying to tell myself that I love this stupid hormone, trying to forget the damage it has done to my mind and spirit.

I disgust myself.

Maybe. But you certainly don't disgust me, or I suspect the rest of the folks here. -In fact, I suspect that we very much value you for being you, and brightening our lives with your skilfully artistic writing. There is something truly precious inside your "shell", and we are all the richer for it. Thank you.

The Black Dog of dis-spirit follows us all sometimes. Know, but do not fear this dog. Sometimes, we all need help from a friend or even a professional to keep him from messing on our lives. Plenty of help is here.

Helpful experience? Everyone's experience is different, and I strongly suspect helpful to someone, even if you doubt it. It depends on the particular time and need; cabbages are not helpful in the auto-parts store, but fine vegetables for the right dinner. (-Tugon to advise on wine, please.) Your journey experience is the stuff of support and solace for someone who will need it, but that's another time now.

Envious of the eunuchs here? While it is certainly good for some, do be careful what you wish for.

-And in case I forget, look forward to a Happier New Year. Soon it will be time for "Gong Xi Fa Cai" again. And anyway it will be the year of the Horse, far away from that Black Dog.... Better times are coming!