I am an FTM transsexual who identifies as eunuch. Maybe that sounds strange to you, but coming across this term was such a transformative moment for me. Prior to transition I identified as neutrois and genderqueer, but something about it really never felt right. I have a very strong male identity, and part of that male identity is the absence of any sex organs or sex hormones. After all, gender is between your ears, not legs.

I've always been haunted by the realization that if I was assigned male at birth, there is a likely possibility I would attempt to transition to female for the pure sake of accessing hormonal and surgical nullification (those stories of trans-feminine folks who had the old part removed without a new one being made...). It took me a long time to wrap my head around the idea of identifying as male without identifying with the organs and hormones associated with masculinity.

There was the dysphoria I experienced while living as female, which was both emotional and physical. Now there is the dysphoria I experience on a daily basis as a post-transition male, which is strictly physical. The more time passes by and the memories of having had a "female past" become more and more distant, the more this reality hits me - I still feel just as intensely disembodied, but in different ways. I see other transsexuals talk about how much happier they are now, and then I look at myself, how disappointing it all is. Sure, now I can function in society, and I'm not trying to hurt myself and others all the time, but I'm still largely a ghost of a person. Uninspired, bitter, resigned to the reality that I'll never feel congruent.

I would like to stop taking testosterone, but I'm absolutely terrified of feminization. Genetics are not in my favour, being naturally short, chubby-faced, and unable to grow facial hair. I'm also mildly concerned with all this talk that the lack of any sex hormone will lead to osteoporosis - although I'd honestly rather have that. I want to be completely nullified between my legs, but I've given up hope that any surgeon will even take me seriously, much less be open to discussing the procedure.

I used to have the binary mentality that being male meant accepting the "whole package" - I think, that has been very harmful to me.

A eunuch identity still contains a "male" component, compared to a neutrois/agender identity; that's how I experience it, anyhow. Who I am isn't "non-gendered", but it is "non-sexed". Nowadays I feel that I have a lot more in common with the folks here than with most trans men.

First off, let me welcome you, and encourage you to continue to voice your thoughts here - they are illuminating.

I have and do know a couple F2M men and I would suspect, though don't know, a "man to person" person. They (two of them) never identified completely as male without saying so. One explained to me in PM that he couldn't stand the idea of being either male or female, but felt less over-powered by gender than otherwise. I do not suspect that (he) is complete as who (he) is, but seems at least not "uncomfortable." I identify as male and eunuch, and grasp my own identity as far as it goes. It always escapes me exactly how another feels, but I grasp at it. Please continure to share.

Just so. The ever wise and welcoming K. I suspect that this note of welcome is particularly well received.

Sharing of difficult things is often a comfort and a welcome step towards resolution.

Yes, please try to share and may much good come from the sharing.

The binary nature of how society sees gender creates issues for many. There seems to be little place for a thrid gender (ie- eunuch) or for nonsexual people either. It is a struggle to identify what is best for yourself when bombarded with the pressures of society. Overcoming that pressure to "conform" to what is "normal" is a huge first step.

Being ftm for even the most strong minded is a challenge that i think is larger than for mtf . As a one time boy, adding things and hiding others is much easier to achieve. So far none has really come up with a successful way to add what is needed for ftm s.

Your choice to identify as a eunuch seems to me a good one, and I feel quite confident that if you work with a good SRS professional, that achieving a true nullo status is probably possible but expensive. I would assume that since it would be a pretty groundbreaking procedure, that even insurance plans that cover some of the costs of transiton would be hesitant to cover said costs.

I personally identify as male and eunuch and in very little of my life is my status not common knowledge. For you , you have found what you feel works for you, and that is a great positive. Keep striving, anf by all means post your thoughts on this forum, you may be able to help others, as well as yourself.

Raymar

thesmallone (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 20, 2013 9:03 pm I am an FTM transsexual who identifies as eunuch. Maybe that sounds strange to you, but coming across this term was such a transformative moment for me. Prior to transition I identified as neutrois and genderqueer, but something about it really never felt right. I have a very strong male identity, and part of that male identity is the absence of any sex organs or sex hormones. After all, gender is between your ears, not legs.

A eunuch identity still contains a "male" component, compared to a neutrois/agender identity; that's how I experience it, anyhow. Who I am isn't "non-gendered", but it is "non-sexed". Nowadays I feel that I have a lot more in common with the folks here than with most trans men.

I feel a like you ... but I am in a self-finding-phase and come form the other side but this is exact what I feel. So this don't sound strange to me, it is familiar.

thesmallone (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 20, 2013 9:03 pm and part of that male identity is the absence of any sex organs or sex hormones.

- the strange thing: It's me too.

I am asexual in a classic sense - very low (or zero) sex drive and no direction of this drive to anything. I have no fun in any sexual interaction (but I have children anyway, I am functional...).

I definitely have a kind of body integrity identity disorder in the sense that I fell male but my feeling of being "right" is male without sex organs. As a child I dreamed from being a reptile man with scales and without anything between my legs. In this sense I am not really neutrois because I don't feel really uncomfortable with my gender.

But this is not the whole truth, if I could choose a male / female / neutrois toilet I would take the neutrois or if I could choose I would make the cross in the identity card at neutrois. I don't fight for this but I like the idea. So maybe I am neutrois ... this question is driving me.

And, most important and the reason I am here: I'm not sure whether the pressure of suffering is big enough to come out to me and to risk an operation. Because after step this life goes on as normal so it was just for me, for my body feeling. My sex drive is low so there I don't expect a change. It is the desire to bring the feeling of my body and my reflection in the mirror at last in harmony.

Anyway. I think there is a lot to do for gender queer movement making the eunuch / neutrois acceptable and maybe put a stop to the cutters and make a legal transition to any non-sexed-gender possible.

Welcome to the board, this is the right place and you will find many friends here who may not be like you but understand where you are coming from. You are absolutely right when you said gender is between the ears. We here all know that what is between the legs is cosmetic.

I think the reason you found this forum empty is because its new. In Aug at our annual MOM event we deleted a couple forums and created a couple new ones and moved everything around.

Welcome again,

River

Oh, my goodness, thank you for all the thoughtful responses.

I spoke to my doctor today about the prospect of living without any sex hormones. She was cautious but totally open-minded as always, and suggested that I experiment with lowering my dose a bit first. I said okay, but then... it's still up to me to administer my own shots... and I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. I totally have a love-hate relationship with testosterone. If I was taller, hairier, less fat in the face, etc, I wouldn't be feeling like I *need* the hormone to maintain my male identity in a visible sense. Having testosterone doesn't make me look wrong - in fact, it's made small strides towards helping me look more right, little as it's been - but for some reason, it makes me feel wrong. I'm afraid of reverting back to some kind of gender-queer like state in the absence of a maintenance dost of T, because that's not me. I'm just a regular boring guy whose parts are different but that's none of anyone's business but my own. Transsexuality is a part of my medical history, it's not my "identity".

I don't hope to find people who are like me, but I always try to believe that it's possible for me to meet most people on a higher level one way or another. And, I have a good sense that I'll be able to do so in this gentle community, in a way that I was never able to in the "trans community".

thesmallone (imported) wrote: Wed Oct 23, 2013 5:55 pm Oh, my goodness, thank you for all the thoughtful responses.

I don't hope to find people who are like me, but I always try to believe that it's possible for me to meet most people on a higher level one way or another. And, I have a good sense that I'll be able to do so in this gentle community, in a way that I was never able to in the "trans community".

What happened with the TG community? Do you mean online? I know some can be extremely militant in what it means to be a REAL transsexual, at least the MTF versions. You should like the EA, everyone here is really nice. Especially now that the political boards have been taken down.

Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Wed Oct 23, 2013 7:29 pm You should like the EA, everyone here is really nice. Especially now that the political boards have been taken down.

Well said! I avoided the EA for quite a while because I found the political boards were getting me annoyed.

Nobody is the same, so being different is just being human.

I still really don't know what I am, identifying a eunuch seems the most right to me.

I see myself as male, but not as man.

I already have enough trouble to maintain a male/man's image.

As im born male, went through puberty I have a man's bodybuild. Even though from nature I am slender build.

Taking chemical castration, it make huge difference (body wise), but my body changed bit more like the female stature. Also I got some breast grow.

Both I don't like, so I keep my carb's intake low to not get more fat. About my breast is not much to do about it, I hope I can get surgical remove them.

I can assume you don't have female hormones anymore? and your age is right with your profile? Then a lot of change still can happen, like beard grow, A lot of man can grow a full beard around there 25/30 years.

When I was 20 years I didn't need to shave a lot like once a week.

Your height will probably not change anymore.