Nothing better than nerd jokes
Posted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 3:54 pm
>>really now, a motherlode of nerd jokes...
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Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?" The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light" -- -- I object to this joke on the grounds that photons experience no time within their own reference frame and therefore could not possibly respond. The best they could do is give a wave.
>>Political humor for the masses of great unwashed out there just waiting to revolt.
Your mother is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia
Lenins tomb is a commie plot
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None; the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Rene Descartes walked in to a bar. Barkeep asks " Do you want a drink?" Descartes says "I think not," and poof. He's gone.
People often accuse me of "stealing others jokes" and being "a plagiarist". Their words not mine...
There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
I hear Heisenberg and his wife are having problems; When he has the time, he doesn't have the energy, and when he has the position, he can't get the momentum.
"We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.
>>this is a loooooooooooooooooooo-ong one:
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
>>
>>
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?" The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light" -- -- I object to this joke on the grounds that photons experience no time within their own reference frame and therefore could not possibly respond. The best they could do is give a wave.
>>Political humor for the masses of great unwashed out there just waiting to revolt.
Your mother is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia
Lenins tomb is a commie plot
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None; the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Rene Descartes walked in to a bar. Barkeep asks " Do you want a drink?" Descartes says "I think not," and poof. He's gone.
People often accuse me of "stealing others jokes" and being "a plagiarist". Their words not mine...
There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
I hear Heisenberg and his wife are having problems; When he has the time, he doesn't have the energy, and when he has the position, he can't get the momentum.
"We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.
>>this is a loooooooooooooooooooo-ong one:
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.