Try these
Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2002 9:51 am
Women Drivers
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?"
Smiling For Sex
A noted sex therapist realised that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.
The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes
.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answered, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"
The Lion
"Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun."
"What did you do?"
"What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"I just left him and passed on to another cage."
Taxis
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven.
St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds, "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years."
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"
He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord".
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?".
"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?"
Smiling For Sex
A noted sex therapist realised that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.
The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes
.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answered, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"
The Lion
"Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun."
"What did you do?"
"What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"I just left him and passed on to another cage."
Taxis
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven.
St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds, "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years."
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"
He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord".
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?".
"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"