BACKSTORY:

The time has come! After a lifetime of feeling transsexual thoughts, and recently finally admitting that I was indeed a transsexual, it's finally time to deal with the masculinization that I have been deeply annoyed by for pretty much my entire life. I feel like that's all I need to say in the matter. If you want more details, I already have a thread cluttered up with 3 full pages of the personal epiphanies that have now convinced me 100% that it's time to go for it. (http://www.eunuch.org/forums/showthread ... -Huge-Step.) This thread is not a continuation of that, it is a new thread where I will be discussing the effects of my hormone trial day by day, and how I'm feeling in regards to my gender identity as a result.

WHAT I'LL BE DOING:

-Taking three different hormone-related medications for an entire month... Androcur (for elimination of testosterone,) Finasteride (for hair regrowth as well as to aid in the reduction of body hair,) and Climara-100 estrogen patches (for feminization.) I will be posting updates on my progress as well as the moods that I am feeling and whether I like it or not, EVERY DAY on this exact topic. And then at the end of the month hopefully I will be in a much better position to decide if a full gender transition is really what I want or not. If I decide that it is, this trial will become permanent, and I will likely follow up with eventual full SRS once I have the money for it. If not, hey, at least I'll finally know for sure after a lifetime of gender questioning.

EFFECTS THAT I AM HOPING FOR: (and the timeline which I have read that they will possibly start appearing, based on internet research):

-Calmness, a sense of control (supposedly starts almost immediately, within a few days after taking chem castration drugs, as soon as T levels start dropping.)

-Loss of sex drive (1 week or so)

-Loss of spontaneous erections, erections softer (1 week or so)

-Thought changes. A greater sense of happiness, a greater sense of self. Also possibly a sense that my thoughts finally feel "right" for the first time in my life if I am indeed transgendered, or the thought changes feeling wrong if I'm not. (should happen as soon as E levels start rising.)

-Loss of body odor, don't sweat as much (1-2 weeks)

-"Eunuch calm," loss of male aggression and male anger response. (as soon as T levels drop to castrate levels.)

-"Shrinkage" of up to 40%-60% (2-3 weeks)

-Loss of muscle mass (3 weeks or so, ongoing.)

-Skin texture softening (somewhere between 3 weeks and 6 weeks)

-Softening/lessening of body hair (about the same time as the skin texture changes, whenever those may be.)

-Head hair regrowth. Most of what I lost was within the last 7 years, so I believe this could be significant. (ongoing, first noticeable near the end of the first month.)

-Body fat distribution changes. More on hips and thighs, less on stomach. (starts somewhere between months 1 and 2, needs at least a year for full effect.)

-Breast growth, along with severe breast tenderness while they're growing. (starts somewhere between months 1 and 2, look fully like early-teen boobs by about month 6, takes several years before they're done growing.)

-Facial feminization (somewhere between months 1 and 2. Month 6 is generally about the time when the face begins looking fully feminine, with final results after a year to 18 months.)

OTHER EFFECTS THAT I'LL BE WATCHING OUT FOR:

-Extremes of emotion... one minute extremely happy, the next minute bawling my eyes out at the stupidest things.

-Feelings of weakness and tiredness (common side-effect of Androcur)

-Shallower sleep (common side-effect of Androcur)

-Severe drop in metabolism, possible weight gain (I will be following a STRICT paleo diet to help combat this.)

-Hot flashes

In general, I've read that from 1-3 months most of the changes are minor enough that they're completely reversible if I should change my mind. 3-6 months, the feminization would start becoming severe, and some of the effects would never go away. Longer than 6 months, and I'm facing potential permanent sterility as well as permanent breast growth, permanent feminization, and a crock pot full of other permanent effects that will never go away as long as I live. So that is how long I have to decide. If I reach the end of this 1-month trial and still feel like I want to go it longer before deciding, I have until the 2-3 month mark. After that, I'm fully aware that there's no going back.

So with that said, wish me luck! My first doses of Androcur and Finasteride are in my system as I type these words, and I will be adding E to the mix within the next 2-3 days, as soon as the patches arrive in the mail. (I'm DIY'ing, so I'm at the mercy of inhousepharmacy's delivery system as to when that will be.)

I'm so excited, and so anxious to see the effects starting, that I can barely contain myself! I really look forward to taking this journey with everyone!

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY ONE:

Took my first Androcur/Finasteride dose at about 4 o'clock this afternoon (after shooting an official "before" video with my camera, basically one that shows off my entire body for the last time as a completely non-hormone-altered guy, so that I'll have a baseline to compare it to. I hope to do a follow-up video every week or so to show the slow tedious progression.) Then I finished the day with another dose of Andro at about 11 p.m.

So what was it like to take a hormone pill for the very first time? I'm taking a HUGE step here. This is not only the first time in my entire life that I have been on any sort of hormone-altering drug, it's the first time I have taken ANYTHING with the potential to alter my mood. So with that in mind, you might expect that I'd be feeling extremely nervous, but surprisingly as I put the very first Androcur and Finasteride pills into my mouth, I didn't feel nervous at all. I felt ALIVE!!! Full of energy, full of a bubbly happiness that previously only came to me on a couple days of the year if I was lucky, and yet has pretty much become my daily norm ever since finally deciding to do this hormone trial just over a week ago. You'd expect doubts, and you'd expect at least some kind of fear, but there was absolutely none. Just happiness and excitement. My mindset was more along the lines of "YAY!!! IT'S FINALLY TIME!!!"

This evening I went to go see Les Miserables with my friend/roommate, and didn't really feel any effects yet, nor was I expecting to. I know full well that these kinds of drugs take several days before really beginning to have a significant effect. Later on in the day, I started feeling a bit tired, but it wasn't the "OMG I'm so tired!" feeling, it was just a feeling of complete and utter inner peace. A perpetual "happy sigh" kind of feeling. Odds are that none of this is related to the hormones yet, rather being more a result of the fact that, for the first time in my entire life, I really do know who I am, and am fully embracing it, even possibly leading up to a full sex-change. And I've never felt happier in my entire life. It feels like a 2-ton boulder has been lifted off my shoulders, and for the first time in my life since age 12, my default state of existence is once again happiness. I really hope that this happiness never goes away again.

So, for the first day, the effects are pretty much zero, maybe some potential contented tiredness, but that may or may not just be because of 100% natural late-day tiredness, so probably not. I'm not expecting any significant changes for at least another couple of days. But so far so good. I feel great! There's a lightness and a brightness in my soul that I wouldn't trade for the world right now, and for the time being at least, everything's going perfectly. I couldn't be more happy. And I felt more feminine than I have in my entire life today, so that's a promising sign that the two really are going to go hand-in-hand.

Good luck on your journey, hope all goes well and that you achieve your goals. Keep us informed of your progress and the effects. Your penis and testicles will also likely shrink/regress and breast tissue will grow. I believe that breast tissue growth is difficult to reverse once it begins, and the amount of growth varies from one person to another. I think it's a familial thing too, if the women in your family have small breasts, then your own growth might be small and larger if women in your family tend to have larger breasts. This is also debated, it's my opinion from what I've seen.

Way to go Cheetaking.....Just be careful...And these results may take a wee bit longer than you think...Inhouse Pharmacy's orders typically take from 1 to 2 weeks to arrive..

(I think they come from Singapore).. I look forward to your upbeat reporting...smooches Jackie

Hash (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:51 am Good luck on your journey, hope all goes well and that you achieve your goals. Keep us informed of your progress and the effects. Your penis and testicles will also likely shrink/regress and breast tissue will grow. I believe that breast tissue growth is difficult to reverse once it begins, and the amount of growth varies from one person to another. I think it's a familial thing too, if the women in your family have small breasts, then your own growth might be small and larger if women in your family tend to have larger breasts. This is also debated, it's my opinion from what I've seen.

All of which I am 100% fine with, and am in fact looking forward to. My penis is already very small, only about an inch limp, and it STILL annoys the hell out of me. The smaller it gets, and the sooner it is gone, the better. I really am 100% transsexual in that regard. Even during the times that I doubted whether I was transgender or not, I have ALWAYS wanted a vagina and had no second thoughts. (I even considered staying a guy but having SRS anyway, and living with a "mangina." That's how sure I am that I want the damned thing gone.) And in regards to breast growth, also 100% fine with it. I already have big "man boobs," and I love them, so I would welcome more growth. However, if it really is hereditary, then I probably won't get that big. My mom is a 38D, but was a C for years before she started gaining weight, so I don't expect that I'll personally ever get much higher than a B cup, which I'm actually pretty close to

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:33 am being at already even before taking any hormones.

Way to go Cheetaking.....Just be careful...And these results may take a wee bit longer than you think...Inhouse Pharmacy's orders typically take from 1 to 2 weeks to arrive..

(I think they come from Singapore).. I look

forward to your upbeat reporting...smooches Jackie

No need to worry about delivery times... I have already received the androcur and finasteride in the mail, 2 days ago, and this trial is already officially underway. And since I ordered the Climara less than 2 days after I ordered those two, I'm pretty sure that it will be following close behind.

Also, so far today, I am STILL feeling happier than I have in my entire life... It's been over a week straight now, and I'm still just so happy, and it's one of those moods where absolutely everything in the world seems beautiful and the troubles of the world seem trivial. Again, before I decided to do this trial, I maybe felt this way once or twice a year if I was lucky. Where ever since I finally decided to do this, I have been feeling this way EVERY day without fail. And you know what? I hope this NEVER goes away. I feel like a completely different person ever since I finally decided to embrace my desires for femininity.

Best wishes to you!

But ... I'm afraid, you goal will disappear when you approach to them closely enough...

We boys are MALES due to Testosterone. This testosterone makes us fascination by vulva, fascination by femininity. Females are not fascinated so much by their anatomy. When you eliminate your T., you loss the interest in cross - femininity, you'll never write next novel …

I love the music, but it doesn't mean I’d like to be a piano.

Macumbakaloo (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 10, 2013 7:03 am Best wishes to you!

But ... I'm afraid, you goal will disappear when you approach to them closely enough...

We boys are MALES due to Testosterone. This testosterone makes us fascination by vulva, fascination by femininity. Females are not fascinated so much by their anatomy. When you eliminate your T., you loss the interest in cross - femininity, you'll never write next novel …

I love the music, but it doesn't mean I’d like to be a piano.

I don't know... to me, it's not really a sexual fantasy, and not really a "fascination" per se, it's more like I have this deep-seated feeling that what I have is wrong. Kind of like my entire body is a pair of jeans that are too tight... And this feeling began almost as soon as I hit puberty. As soon as I started growing body hair, I personally felt that it was wrong, long before I started being attracted to smooth skin on the girls. As soon as I started losing head hair, it felt wrong. As soon as my voice changed, it felt REALLY wrong. (to this day, even 15 years later, I still hate my changed voice.) And my issues with my penis aren't just looking at girls and saying "I want that," it really is a constant feeling that my penis is uncomfortable, and shouldn't be there, and this feeling NEVER goes away, even when I'm feeling in my most-sexless of moods.

I can understand how a crossdresser or the like might lose their desires for femininity the closer they get to it, because they really are just kind of doing it as an extension of fancying girls, but I've almost never felt like a crossdresser. I don't really get off on thinking about this anymore. But again, for me it's more like my body is a pair of jeans that are on too tightly. Even when there are no sexual motives involved whatsoever, I still feel like it's wrong and that I should be a girl.

Also, I don't really think that my T levels have EVER been high. When I did a test from the following website (http://heartcorps.com/journeys/beginner ... o-tell.htm) which had a question (#7) that said "Do you have any physical characteristics that are too feminine to be normal?" I ended up fitting EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. I have extremely small hands (seriously, they're the same size as my girlfriend's, even though I'm a guy and 8 inches taller than her,) a smallish frame, narrow shoulders, a pronounced pear shape to my hips, my index finger is longer than my ring finger (having a longer ring finger indicates exposure to testosterone,) my elbows arc out at a 30-degree angle just like a girl's when I hold them to my sides with the palms facing out (most crossdressers have normal male arms, while transsexuals tend to have the feminine arms,) and I can double-cross my legs, so my hip structure is more like a girl's too. And even as a kid, although I had not yet developed gender dysphoria, my Mom does indeed tell me that I was much calmer than the other boys, and engaged in quieter and more intricate play rather than being rowdy and rambunctious, and for some reason I always got along better with girls, so there are indeed signs that this has been going on since I first began life.

So no, I do not believe that these desires will go away even when I lose almost all of my testosterone and start developing feminine features. Time will tell, but I wouldn't be doing this trial in the first place if I wasn't so sure that I am indeed a transsexual rather than just someone who gets off on feminization. My personality feels like I AM a girl, my natural movements and hand gestures are unmistakbly feminine (seriously, when I made the "pre" video yesterday, I was shocked just how much I naturally put my hands on my hips and made quick limp-wristed hand gestures,) and I don't just feel like I WANT to be a girl, I feel like I AM a girl, but that the external part of me doesn't match the internal.

Why am I thinking Sparky's Magic Piano? "Don't be surprised... Sparky!"

Macumbakaloo I think we all have our different reasons for needing or wanting one thing or another. I wonder if you're right if Cheetaking is still doing the right thing as at least this is one way of finding out? Not the safest or most risk free way but possibly the only real way due to the mess of feelings puberty and social pressures cause? Cheetaking hasn't mentioned childhood dysphoria but other than that it does sound fairly familiar and understanding parents may have kept the feelings quiet until later on? Plus the more I think about it the less I believe I know a female who isn't obsessed about her body in one way or another, not that men are any better on the whole.

Cheetaking I hope this is everything you need and want and I hope you can finally be happy! I've read dutasteride is believed much more effective than finasteride for hair growth due to the different mix of enzymes in the scalp and is really cheap now if you haven't considered it

~Tiamat~ (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 10, 2013 7:45 am Cheetaking hasn't mentioned childhood dysphoria but other than that it does sound fairly familiar and understanding parents may have kept the feelings quiet until later on?

No, my official "dysphoria" thoughts didn't start until about age 13. Before then, there might have been some, but they were mild enough that I wasn't really bothered by them. There were occasional childhood moments where I envied girls, or wanted to do feminine things rather than masculine things, but it didn't really feel like dysphoria at the time. But you are right, I did have VERY understanding parents. They had no problems whatsoever with the fact that I always had girls as best friends, and that I always felt like sitting and talking and reading and doing introspective activities rather than running around and playing outside, and that I actually liked the "My Little Pony" cassette tape that one of my female friends gave to me as a birthday present by mistake. They never ONCE told me "no, boys aren't supposed to do that." You know, though, I really wonder if maybe this is just because my feminine personality really isn't that feminine. And so, as a kid, when "boy world" and "girl world" weren't so far apart, and I was allowed to express my more feminine tendencies freely, it didn't bother me. While in middle school, when "boy world" and "girl world" diverged so quickly that I didn't even know what had happened, suddenly I felt like being a guy was boxing me in, and started feeling 100% gender-dysphoric to the point of anger and perpetual frustration. Same could be said of my childhood body. As a kid, I really did have smooth skin (although I've ALWAYS hated my body hair, even the limited amount that I had as a kid,) and I also did have a high voice, and could act cute, and had all of my head hair, and my guy parts were still small enough and non-sensitive enough that they didn't bother me, and I didn't have all of these other masculine features that I hate now, so it didn't bother me as much. But you know what? As soon as I hit puberty, as soon as the male body and the female body started diverging, and all of my masculine features started coming in, I IMMEDIATELY hated them, and felt like they were wrong, and started feeling like what the girls were going through was what was "right..." long before I even knew what masturbation was, and long before I started feeling any romantic desire at all toward the opposite sex.

SIDE NOTE: I think I'm finally starting to feel the effects of the androcur. I'm feeling calmer, and my guy parts are feeling ever-so-slightly limper. The real test will be when I take E for the first time (again, the possibility of FINALLY feeling a proper sense of self, something that I've never had in my entire lifetime,) but so far so good. Desires haven't changed whatsoever, and in fact I'm feeling more feminine than I ever have in my entire life right now. It's kind of odd. The limper my guy parts are starting to feel, the more I'm feeling like there should be a vagina there instead. Now that my arousal pattern is feminizing ever-so-slightly, it just makes me want to go all the way even more. I really wonder if this is going to continue. Hell, it might even end up being the opposite of what Macumbakaloo said, where the more I lose my masculine characteristics the more it makes me want feminine ones. That would be quite amusing.

~Tiamat~ (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 10, 2013 7:45 am Cheetaking I hope this is everything you need and want and I hope you can finally be happy! I've read dutasteride is believed much more effective than finasteride for hair growth due to the different mix of enzymes in the scalp and is really cheap now if you haven't considered it

Thanks for the tip! I didn't even know about dutasteride until now, but looking into the research, you're 100% right. And since I do plan to stay on DHT-inhibiting hormones whether or not I decide to proceed with feminization, I will absolutely switch over to dutasteride once my supply of finasteride runs out in about 2 months. (I've already paid for it, so I might as well use it...)

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:08 am I really wonder if this is going to continue. Hell, it might even end up being the opposite of what Macumbakaloo said, where the more I lose my masculine characteristics the more it makes me want feminine ones. That would be quite amusing.

I find myself obsessing more about a lot of things and somewhat less about others. I suppose I'm just trying to separate out the wants and the needs in my head and it doesn't help some of them are fluid. Probably a terrible thing to say but for me personally it's the only way I can cope with upsetting people. You do change - when I started this I made a big promise to myself it was so I could finally be myself and nothing else but it's surprising how much about yourself you learn. GRS I'm thinking is a want. It's nobody's business but my partner's and mine what's between my legs. But then will my partner ever accept me as a woman if they won't accept that or do they just see me as a mentally ill man with boobs? Or is it my partner then who is picking and choosing the things they want? It's actually something we discussed again this weekend, and of course I didn't say any of that, but I don't think it's the time for me to be worrying about it now the two important ones are gone and there's a long way to go in other areas.

Thanks for the tip!

It's absolutely no problem! Thanks and I hope it helps! I use a ton of stuff on my hair but another which has been clinically studied to help with DHT is ketoconazole shampoo. Minoxidil kills cats! Good luck with everything