(Very long post to follow, but please bear with me... I need some genuine advice here.)

For years now, ever since I hit puberty in the first place, I've been extremely uncomfortable with my adult male body... hated the body hair, hated the whole big male package, hated the feelings of irrational anger and competitive drive brought on by testosterone, hated having a sex drive that made me uncomfortable and miserable when it demanded to be satisfied, REALLY hated all of the masculinizing facial and body characteristics (The parts of myself that I actually like are almost all the ones that are feminine or boyish rather than masculine... my small hands and feet, my cheeks, my lips, the way my skin looks when it is completely shaven, etc. The parts of me that are masculine, like my chest, my receding hairline, my stomach, and especially all of that gross facial hair, those are consistently the things that I hate about myself.)

For years and years, I have dreamed about what life would be like if I was a girl, and I still feel like there is this deep part of me that wants to be pretty and wants to be soft and smooth and feminine which is just aching to be expressed, and it drives me absolutely insane that I can't do it. And for years and years, although I had so many feminine desires, and have seen my true inner self as a girl, I have always told myself "It would never work," and kind of resigned myself to just having this side of me that I would never be able to express. I still felt this way up until a couple of weeks ago... just accepting that I would never pass as feminine, and thus relegating it to fantasy.

But a number of things that I have read here over the past week have REALLY gotten me thinking.

At first it was about the possibility of genital surgeries in Thailand. All my life I had told myself "nah, it could never happen. It's too expensive, and it's too much of a pain in the butt to get." But now I realize I was wrong. It really could happen if I wanted it to. And the more I've been thinking about it, and the more I realize that it really could happen in real life if I wanted it to, the more that those desires have been coming to the surface.

The big one, though, was when I was reading Foxytaur's post about whether or not he would pass for female. (http://www.eunuch.org/forums/showthread ... ge-already.) In that topic, Hash posted some amazing video links where it showed the transitions of several men into women, showing a time-lapse of the hormones slowly taking effect. And not only did some of them who had extremely masculine facial features pass as female, they looked absolutely gorgeous! And then there was a link posted to a transgender forum, where there were pages and pages of people posting their before and after pictures. It really hit me hard, because the excuse that I've used my entire life to stop myself from pursuing my feminine desires, was "no, it would never work, I would look ugly." I'd look in the mirror, and see my eyebrows and facial structure and say "nah, it's impossible. I'd never look good, so it's not worth it." But those pictures, they completely blew my mind. So many of those girls started out with facial features MUCH more masculine than mine. And suddenly, when I looked in the mirror, I actually was able to see that it could work... that I still had a lot of boyish and feminine features in my face that had the potential to look amazing if they were to be feminized. And what really blew my mind was that most of those now-girls were actually almost exactly my age... mid to late twenties. One of my other excuses was always "It's too late. Now that I've been through puberty, it's over." But now I'm convinced that it's not too late, and that it might not be over. In fact, if anything, it convinced me that it's now or never. Because like it or not, I'm still growing up, and still being masculinized with every year that I still have testosterone in my body. Right now, I still have some boyish and feminine features in my face. But who knows how long they will last? Facial masculinization is a gradual process, which certainly isn't done with me. So I really feel a sense of urgency now, afraid that if I keep making excuses, it's never going to happen, and then I'm going to get even more masculine and look back and wonder "what if? If only I had done this while I had the chance." Who knows? I might never have the chance to try this again. (Here's a current picture of me, if anyone feels like commenting on my potential to partake in this venture... http://i47.tinypic.com/2db2nwy.jpg)

I'll be honest, I'm so confused right now. For the first time in my entire life, the possibility of actually feminizing myself in real life seems plausible, and I'm tired of making excuses. I actually want to explore the possibility further. But I am not used to this. I've spent my whole life basically preemptively accepting that it was just an unobtainable fantasy. And now I don't know what to do. On the one hand, imagining myself being more feminine is such an amazing feeling, and it feels like for the first time in my life I would be taking a step toward making myself more like the me that I feel like on the inside. But on the other hand, I'm not used to confronting this in real life. These desires have been locked up exclusively in my little fantasy worlds, and my various gender-flipped internet accounts, for 15 years now.

After thinking for a while, I decided that, if I really am going to be serious about this, these are the things that I need to do before advancing further:

1. Stop the further masculinization of my body and face, so that if I really am serious about this, I can still go the rest of the way before it's too late.

2. Do a trial run without a sex drive, since surgery or transition would involve periods of complete hormonal wackiness, and I need to know if I still feel the way that I do without the sexual urges behind it.

3. Maybe do something that can temporarily lessen my body hair and odor and other such male-specific sexual characteristics and see if I do indeed like it or not, in a way that is reversible and not permanent.

With this in mind, I am seriously considering doing a chem-castration trial as a first step toward determining whether I'm really serious about this or not, and seeing whether I really do want to proceed further with potential feminization or not. There are many aspects of my masculinity that I am not comfortable with that chem castration would let me be freed from for a temporary time, and see if I really do feel better without them or not. Things like irrational anger, responding to stress with violence, that aggressive feeling like I'm being challenged, and the obsessive jittery feeling that I get when I haven't masturbated in a long time. Those, I really want to know what it's like to be rid of them. People often say that it's like returning to a more innocent, childlike kind of existence, which is the last time in my life that I felt truly comfortable with myself (I STILL have never gotten used to having a sex drive... it makes me feel like a slave, and makes me feel miserable much more often than fulfilled. I really want to know what it would be like to live without it.) Plus I've heard that chem castration can result in hair regrowth (I REALLY want to regrow some hair... I miss having a thick full head like I did when I was a kid, and it's never going to be beautiful long if it keeps thinning. And I've heard that one of the "side effects" of chem castration is hair regrowth...) And above all, I want to feel that "eunuch calm" where you don't have the tremendous highs and lows that come with adult sexuality. That, I have always felt like it's my true personality. I love it when I get that feeling, that nothing matters and that there's no hurry, and that everything's right with the world. When I have had that feeling before, which NEVER comes when I have sex on my mind, it is just about the only time that I truly feel happy with myself. So I believe that it might be worth trying. Most of the side-effects that have been mentioned, I really don't care about. I want my body odor gone, I want my body hair to lessen, I wouldn't mind a bit of breast-development, I have never had problems falling asleep in my entire life, I would welcome my male parts shrinking even further than they already have (I have NEVER been comfortable since growing an adult-sized package.) Reading people's accounts of chem castration trials has been absolutely inspiring, and it sounds like something that might really help me actually experience some of the things that I think I want.

I could really use some advice on this. Is it a good idea or a bad idea? And any advice in general for all of this? I'm not used to actually considering doing something in real life. This would be a big first step for me.

(Side question: if I really want to do this, it would be 50mg of Androcur 2X daily, and 1mg of Finasteride daily for the hair, right? I think this is what the general consensus is from my research...)

OMG cheetaking follow your heart, I belive you. Some of those vids were very very impressive.

I just know you can do it. Im trying to hustle my way through this dumb engineering program and dorm with a bud to start taking hormones. As for job opportunity, It may require me to move up north in northwest territories but a job prospect their is far more secure considering how fricken cold its up there. I don't care. I'm pretty desperate to shed myself from this masculine costume I put on day by day. Don't let fear control you cheetaking. rather control fear itself

NB = Gotta raise those stamina point there cheetaking. Then recover your mana XD.

You could say life is one Giant RPG

foxytaur (imported) wrote: Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:40 pm Don't let fear control you cheetaking. rather control fear itself

And that's why I'm so confused. I have NEVER stood up for myself in my entire life. I always let society's perceived expectations dictate which sides of myself I am and am not allowed to show to the outside world. I don't know how to do this. In many ways, even though I'm a guy, I've fallen into the "good girl" trap where I put so much value on others liking me that I don't consider what I myself want.

And that is possibly why this feels like such a huge step... not only the first time I've ever considered actually doing something to make myself more feminine, also the first time I've really attempted to make an assertive statement about who I am.

Side note: I just submitted my order from Inhousepharmacy. Since delivery takes a week or more, though, and I'll be out of town for a friend's wedding from the 1st to the 5th, I won't actually be starting this until at least January 6th. So there is still plenty of time for you all to either encourage me or convince me to chicken out and ship the pills back before I actually start this.

Well guys the unthinkable happened. Its a milestone but glad it happened. I finally spilled the beans to my dad about being trans. He was indifferent about it.

" Son I knew you were bi but this confirm your weird. I always sorta knew just i didn't really want to think about it,

If you want to take the path of well whatever you are just know the worlds a very dangerous place ; It's gong to be expensive and Im worried you might not find work bc your trans. Do what you must but I beg you dont tell your mother this. Her mind is incapable of processing this. She'll throw you out"

NB = I sorta knew from start pops was a way more liberal than my mom but I underestimated his demeanor. He really is a cool dad its just well he sorta controlled by the balls by my crazy mom. That and he just turned 70. I really don't want him to die on me due to blood pressure or a stroke or hearattack

Cheetaking. Im curious . Do you have any family members who might be on the liberal side of things to discuss with? My dad's sorta neutral but pretty calm about life . My sisters super busy and although they do congrats and cheer for me I have feeling they only will help so far in terms of lip service as indicated by my father. I actually agree with him there.

I do have supportive sisters but they haven't even talked to my dad in ages.(yrs)

Thet have daddy issues but I mean my pops was young and admitted he was immature at the time of their conception

Seriously a 20 yr old father is gonna be immature about upbringing children .(was well off .....graduated when he was 19 and became an english proffesor)

From my experience hes learned a lot from his youth and I never had a problem with him. Even though he thinks im a little "Loca."

Its always been my mom the problem. I just know whatever I do will further compound issues annd make them worse. But I'll still be taking my chances with this, it's now or never

Sometimes cheetaking you just gotta go with the flow. and let your dreams come true. For better or for worse it seems. Thats the nature of life . A giant RPG

NB =

My problem is keeping a decent inventory of skills, stamina, will, and fortitude to break even and go past that at some stage.Hence the need to grad and find a career. Once I leave the nest, all hell breaks loose.

You know, I'll be 100% honest, I really don't think either of my parents will really mind. Again, for years it's just been the "good girl" mindset where I'm so afraid of making others uncomfortable, or causing others any kind of offense, that made me insist on keeping all of this locked up. But honestly, although I'm sure neither of them wants anything like this to happen, they'd both get over it.

My dad is a child of the 60's. He's very much a "whatever makes you happy" kind of Dad, so as long as I'm happy in life and as long as I'm succeeding in work, he really doesn't mind. No, I don't think he'd really like it, or necessarily understand (especially since I was living exclusively with my mom during my teen years, which was when this whole thing got started in the first place, so he pretty much has no idea,) but at the end of the day he'd probably be fine with it. The only thing that I'd be a bit embarrassed about would be that I still like going to nudist camps with him and playing volleyball, and if I really do start going trans, it would be a little awkward.

My mom would definitely understand. She already kind of knows, because she was there while it was happening. She accidentally read my journal one day in high school while she was cleaning under my bed, and so she knows full well just how much complaining I did and how much I hated my own gender in high school. At the time, being the coward of a human being that I am, when she confronted me about the journal and said "look, so if you really want to be a female..." and I immediately tried to explain it away, and said "no! I don't! I just like writing about it because I think it's erotic to think about." Years later, though, after I moved out for college, and the two of us actually got closer because I wasn't filled with teenage angst anymore, I did openly admit that no, transsexualism wasn't just something that I wrote about for fun, it really was a real desire of mine at the time. So if I were to tell her that those thoughts were coming back stronger than ever, and make a big spiel about how I was only suppressing it due to religious concerns, and admit that I was tired of ignoring it for the sake of not offending anyone, she would probably not be surprised in the least. Because she was there when I was secretly shaving my arms and legs at night, she was there when mysterious genital-shaped wads of duct tape started appearing in the garbage, she was there when I wrote page-long rants in my journal about how much I hated being a guy, she was there when suddenly I changed from a bright-eyed smart kid with very few problems into a "C" and "D" student as soon as puberty started. So she'd probably understand almost immediately. No, she would definitely not be happy about it, because she really wants grandkids one day, and she does have very emotional reactions to everything, so it would definitely hurt a little bit, but she'd definitely understand.

My other "family member," my girlfriend, already knows about my plan, and she definitely understands, although this would likely end up being the death knell to any hope of our relationship turning into marriage. (We are technically broken up right now, even though we still live together, mainly because she wanted "romance... passion!" and I just wanted a comfortable relationship with someone who's always there to talk to. Plus she really wants sex while I've become pretty much indifferent to it. So she decided to start dating other people starting about a month ago.) I admitted to her that I had transsexual desires almost as soon as we started dating 6 years ago, so she knows full well, and we've had numerous lengthy talks on the subject, (not to mention the fact that she still gets to see me wearing nothing but panties and a t-shirt around the house every day, and she's watched this entire "going over the deep end" thing unfold right before her eyes over the last year as I experimented with shaving my legs again, wearing a bra, wearing tights, wearing short shorts, and giving myself sex-changes on photoshop,) so I know that she would understand, and she'd still probably keep being my best friend (she actually has a very close high school friend who is a FtM transsexual.) But again, I'm still holding out hope that there's some way for the two of us to be together forever, and I know that following through with my gender-based desires would pretty much be the official end of it. I'm really confused in regard to that. I know I still love her, but I also want to do this, but the two cannot happen at the same time.

So really, there's not much stopping me. I already have a stable job with a steady income that requires almost zero effort (poker dealer...) and I have very understanding family and friends, so honestly the only thing stopping me is myself. So again, that's what this trial run is about. Even though I've always wanted it, I'm so used to repressing it that I still have to convince myself it's what I really want.

heres a really good transformation under the extreme of conditions. one of them

http://acidcow.com/pics/26828-2-year-lo ... ation.html

NB = Im really starting to believe that age isnt that important (but helps)

I primarily belive being heathy before , while and after and having a decent bone structure will

yield very good results.

The latter facial bone structure can be fixed though pricey. (I wonder how much prices are in thailand?)

NB = I wouldnt transition if I were not in shape. The effectiveness of the hrt would drastically reduce big time(my opinion)

So, I have another dilemma here in regards to what I'm planning on doing.

I've been reading about the effects of taking estrogen on transgender forums, and I've actually heard people say that it's addictive, because once they take it, for the first time in their lives they experience "clarity of mind," a sense that the thoughts in their head are finally "right." And there's a part of me that definitely knows what they're talking about. When it comes to gender, and lots of things about life in general, my head indeed doesn't feel "right." It doesn't have a satisfying sense of self that tells me that everything is the way it is supposed to be. So now I'm curious if adding estrogen would have that same kind of corrective effect on me. Supposedly this is "proof" that someone is transgender, because it aligns their body and mind for the first time. So I'm debating, should I risk adding E also?

This morning, while I was in the shower, I had this weird moment, where when I was looking down at myself and suddenly there was this "flash" if you will, where suddenly I could see myself hairless, and with breasts, and with a vagina, and for just that instant it felt real, and I actually was able to say to myself "yes, that is what I want." I have a lot of weird moments like that, where suddenly it's like I can actually feel it, and it feels so "right" for just that split second.

The weirdest thing of all, is that I'm actually feeling extremely peaceful right now. I haven't orgasmed in what's coming up on 2 weeks right now, and yet while only a few days ago I was feeling extremely uptight, angsty, and jittery, suddenly ever since I decided I was going to do this, I've been filled with such a sense of inner peace that it's unbelievable. I expected that I would be nervous about this, and yet I'm not. It's actually making me feel more peaceful.

Anyway, again, thoughts?

Yes, chem cast trial is absolutely neccessary to see and feel the side effects and understand whether you can cope with them, or how you can cope with them.

You have two things that are controverse. It is very important to make informed and clear decision in order to avoid regrets later. To base your decision on solid ground. It requires time. Sometimes years to find clarity and peace inside yourself. And other thing is time. As time passes you will benefit less and less from your decision if it would be to go ahead with castration. In the end you will experience effects of andropause or reduced hormonal levels anyway. It is not meant to push you with decision to go. It is just something I am experiencing myself.

What would make you happier? Are you ready to accept risks?

Don't worry too much. I'm actually feeling much more in control of my worry when it comes to decision makings. But then again im very desensitized with pretty much all decisions I make. If someone critisizes me i'd ignore it or basically not even take notice of this cuz im too distracted in my own world.(an adhd thing)

It took 6 months for me to even notice a peer of mine in college was harrasing me due to sexuality and only noticed when he was pushing the limits.

Also about addiction. It's only addiction if you don't follow the right dosages within the right time frames. Id pretty much would be addicted to ritalin if I were careless with it. let alone sniffing it.( Its up there with cocaine btw in terms of effects).

Furthermore I don't think anyone can truly say theyre ready till youve gone on the actual medication and can be realistic with what to expect

I was always taught to expect the lowest common denominator when it came to outcomes. This means that if I don't get breasts then bummer......if my body shape isn't ultra sexy....meh. If my face isn't what I expected .....Shrugs(mega bummer)

It's not easy to prepare for the unexpected but that's what ya gotta do. Go in there with a realistic determination attitude.

It beats waiting. why reduce your odds further?

NB = As for my libido?.....erm i don't really mind if i gets altered, ATM its really really high

I don't even know some athletes who wank it for longer than 4-5 times daily.(athletes with extremely high androgen levels)

What the frack is going on? ....10-12 times is very abnormal. This is why im visiting my local clinic after new years. I doubt libido will drop to zero . But curiosity is killing this fox

I'll try spiro but If that doesnt reduce whatever kind of libido I have drastically im gonna be stumped.

Im kinda hoping im estrogen dominant or that im aromitizing my T to E. I think i'll find this hilarious

Again I don't want to loose the libido but deal with a more balanced one

Ive hear some ridiculously special cases where some mtf's actually get hornier on E. I doubt this will happen with me but if it turns out true id LMAO.