I just finished reading this piece (it is not really a story). It is long and very powerful, well worth reading. I am glad that Cainanite has found a good physician (they are EXTREMELY rare) and that he is at peace with himself.

I don't know. I guess it is more of an essay than anything else. My life story really isn't that exciting. But I thought a few people might find it interesting to read. There might be someone struggling with the same things I've gone through, and maybe they'll know they're not alone.

I'll get back to fiction soon. I just needed to get that out of my system.

Here's the link.

https://eunuchworld.co/s13885

Cainanite (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:49 pm I don't know. I guess it is more of an essay than anything else. My life story really isn't that exciting. But I thought a few people might find it interesting to read. There might be someone struggling with the same things I've gone through, and maybe they'll know they're not alone.

I'll get back to fiction soon. I just needed to get that out of my system.

Here's the link.

https://eunuchworld.co/s13885

Thank you, Caleb. Wonderful iteration of your life. I can see myself in some of your story...Come to think of it, I was raised from the age of 10 to 14 in rural New Brunswick..Not exactly the San Francisco of Canada (or BC)...Have you ever received any REAL psychotherapy? Your experience with the world of medicine was awful, to say the least...Smooches Jackie

No. I have not gone back to any form of psychotherapy. I can neither afford it right now, nor do I really trust it. My time here on the EA is my therapy. It has helped me become a lot more open and happy with myself. People like you have done that for me.

I have an idea of what psychotherapy should be like. I know what I would need from such an experience, and I find I've been getting it here. I've got my anger well under my control now. I no longer punish myself for my "failings" and I am rather content. Like everyone, I have good days and bad. I still have a ways to go, but now it does not feel impossible.

I should also confess that Caleb is not my real name. It is close enough for my purposes that I chose to use it in the story. I still haven't admitted a lot of this to my family, and I would prefer if they did not find out. Though I altered my name for publication here, the details were all true.

I grew up with a diminutive and effeminate version of my name. I did indeed have to go on a hunger strike to make them stop using it. I am #3 in my family to carry the name. The bit about my co-workers in Saskatchewan giving me a hard time, and even mocking me with a female name on my going away cake, was also true, though it wasn't "Carol" that they put on the cake, but it was similar.

However, if anyone wants to call me Caleb, I won't mind. Just don't call me Cally!

Thanks.

As Emerson said, "Nobody can bring you peace but yourself."

Writing is good therapy. Putting down in writing the things one fears about oneself, exposing them to others, takes away the power those things have over that person.

Say the thing and it is yours.

The last may also be an Emerson quote. If it isn't, it should be. Therapy is mostly talking about oneself, and it's my belief that writing it down is just as effective as telling it to a therapist; besides...it's a hell of a lot cheaper.

Well put, Slammr.

This is a very powerful piece of work, and I was quite moved by it.

I have read about 3/4 of it, and I agree with Paolo. It is a really powerful story. And a difficult one to read for me (I can relate to some parts, and... it was not an easy read... I am still trying to finish it).

PS. Thanks for the story

I too have read your story and agree it is a very powerful one. It is also a hard read for me because a lot of it mirrors my life. I was an only child and grew up pretty much a loner except for a few of the female friends I had. I was always teased by the boys because I was different and smaller in physcial size and genital size and appearance. I have never tried writing about myself from an earlier age until now but it seems it may be good therapy, especially since the psychiatric world doesn't seem to help much. Your story was a great read and I for 1 appreciate you posting it.

It seems I truly am not alone in my experiences.

I debated posting this story on the Eunuch Archive, because there is no real castration in the story. I'm not sure if a "near" castration from my bilateral orchitis counts. I decided that my story explained my obsession with the thoughts of castration, and so it might be worth something to other members.

It is not like my other stories. I don't spend a lot of time describing relationships, or setting the scenes. It isn't even really a story, just an essay. I've had one comment that said they wished I'd written it with the passion of my other writing. They felt I didn't get to the real me, or spend much time on who I am today. I believe this to be valid criticism. I accept that I wrote it very dispassionately. I had to just to get through it.

The comments I've gotten from this story are mixed, but very positive. A lot of folks have told me they experienced very similar things. Some were even surprised to realize they had similar experiences to me. They too thought they were alone in feeling the way I did. But, we are not alone.

In my story, (I hope it comes through.) the thoughts of castration and not fitting the usual "real boy" mold were with me from the very start. I truly believe that even if I had not had Kawasaki's Syndrome, that things wouldn't have been that different for me. I was always effeminate, and never really fit in. Questions about my sexuality were with me, before I knew what sex even was. This seems to be a very common experience.

I cannot tell you all how much the comments on this essay mean to me. I am really moved, and as I am writing this, I am tearing up a bit.

The most important thing to learn, is that we are not alone. The next most important thing to learn, is how to use the pain we suffered to move forward.

People will tell you to, "Get over it." or to "Move on." But, I don't think we always can do that. Sometimes, we cannot let go, get over it, or move on. Maybe we shouldn't be trying to do that. Maybe we need to use it instead. For me, I had to choose the pain I suffered for myself, before I could start to move forward. I had to accept that pain, warts and all. My past pain helped build me into who I am today. Why would I try and reject it? It would be rejecting a part of myself, and denying who I truly am.

If I choose my pain and my rage, I can use it. I can direct it. I'm not a victim of a wild and untamed beast, I am riding it to the next destination, and directing it where to go. It is a much more healthy way for me to live.

Part of being able to accept myself has been writing it down. There were parts of my story I almost couldn't write, because I didn't want to remember. It seemed like if I wrote of them, or spoke of them, it would give those memories power over me. It did the opposite. It gave me power over my pain.

I hope all those who read Pinocchio Syndrome, can do something similar with their lives. I knew it helped me to write it, but I am so glad to hear it is helping and inspiring others.

Thank-you so much.

Cainanite

Everything that is real counts. Everyone who is real counts.

None of us are actually alone because all of us are real.

It is possible to pretend to not be real through experiencing disrespect of one's reality by other people who are disrespecting their own reality.

I often cry about that when it affects people I care about.

To the best of my practical ability, I care about everyone.

Were I to guess, I would guess that pretending to be unreal, untrue to self and to one's actual life, especially if because of (mistaken) expectations of other people, would be the most pain anyone could ever experience.

Cainanite, Thank you, profoundly, for writing, and sharing your story.