Hello, EA members.

I've posted a few times before in the fiction archive boards, but I've never formally introduced myself. So, since I should have quite a few stories coming up onto the archive once the admins have posted the new submissions, I figured now was a good time to say hi. So, hello, everyone!

HISTORY/INTERESTS:

I came to this site specifically because of the fiction archive. Although I'm now 26, I've been writing fantasy stories about transsexualism and total nullification on my computer since I was 14 years old, and it was an amazing surprise to find that there was a whole community of people who loved to do exactly the same thing. It took me a LONG time to gather up the courage to actually share some of the stories that I had been working on, but I finally did it for the first time last June, 1 day before the big site crash unfortunately. It was so liberating for me to finally be able to share my stories with other people, after a lifetime of not being able to talk about my transsexual/nullification desires with anyone.

Back in high school, I was 100% serious about wanting to either switch genders or become completely genderless, but that has faded a bit in recent years. Now I'm pretty much 100% happy with using my writing as a way to live out my fantasies without actually having to face the real-life consequences, and I have realized that my desire is much more fantasy than it is practical. So I really don't have a serious interest in following through with my fantasies anymore, although I still absolutely love imagining myself either magically turning into a girl or thinking about what it would be like to have no genitals whatsoever. I'll admit that I'm still really sore about how I'm not allowed to act cute or wear smaller, more-colorful clothing because I'm stuck as a 6'2" 250 lb guy, but at this point I think the drawbacks would outweigh the benefits for me. And so my female persona that I have always imagined, a girl named Carrie, will unfortunately forever have to be relegated to my stories and any online games that I play.

Also, and I'm not sure if there is anyone else on this site who shares this interest with me, I've always been really fascinated by disabilities, amputation in particular. There's some parallel there with trying to imagine what it would like to be completely genderless. I don't know, but for some reason it just excites me to fantasize about being unable to do certain things due to physical circumstances. Anyone else enjoy imagining this?

ABOUT MY WRITING:

Writing is likely going to be my main contribution to this site, as the odds of me ever actually getting nullified or transgendered in real life are maybe 10-20% or less. But I pour my heart and soul into my writing, so I would like to share a bit about it.

To me, writing isn't just about writing a quick wank-and-go story. It's about really truly imagining what would happen if by some magical means, my fantasies were to be made real. What really fascinates me isn't so much the actual cutting of the genitals, or the change itself, it is the after-effects. I really want to explore what it's like for the characters to go through it... what they feel, how it affects them, how the others around them react, and especially how it changes their perspective on life and what it teaches them about themselves. Again, to me this is the way that I actually live out my fantasies, so I try to put a lot of effort into making the characters developed and making it believable, so that I can think that if I were indeed to go through this, this is what would happen to me.

The basic premise behind my first few stories will all be the same basic topic, me turning into a girl by some magical means, but I will be exploring it at several different ages and in several different circumstances, with very different results each time.

-In my first story, "My Life As A Girl," the catalyst for the change is God. And He doesn't do it all at once, He first just changes my genitals to female while keeping the rest of my body male, then leaves me to cope with it and learn to live with my true self.

-In my second story, "Me & My Best Friend," I'm being turned into a girl on my childhood best friend's terms, before I even knew that I would ever want such a thing. It's instantaneous, and not only am I not ready for it, I didn't even really want it in the first place, but she convinces me.

-In my third story, "Tales of Interest," I receive body-changing powers from my high-school friend Jon, and use them to change myself into a girl on my own terms. It seems like I have everything that I ever wanted at first, but suddenly I find myself unfulfilled, needing more and more body changes to keep myself happy.

Other ideas that I'm working on:

-"Carrie-line," a takeoff on the premise of the book "Coraline" by Neil Gaiman, where in addition to the Other world being new and exciting, my Other Mother turns me into a girl every time that I crawl through the little door, and I quickly discover that I like it better.

-"A Deal With The Devil," a kind of parallel to my first story, "My Life as a Girl," although in this story God doesn't answer my prayer, and in desperation I make a deal with the devil in order to change myself into a girl. There's one catch... he wants my left arm too. And unlike God's slow meticulous plan, where each step is gradual and careful, the devil throws it all onto me at the same time, turning my life completely upside-down before I've had a chance to really think about it.

-"Carrie," a story where a strong, confident 15-year-old male high school student one night mysteriously switches bodies with a 12-year-old girl named Carrie, and wakes up in her body, her bed, her house, and her life, with no connections at all to the life he has always known.

-"Matter Transporter," set in the future when a device called the Matter Transporter can not only take you halfway across the globe in a heartbeat, it can also disassemble and reassemble the very molecules of your body in any way that you want it to. In this future, a college-bound student who has lived in a strict conservative Christian home his whole life gets his first chance to explore the body-changing fantasies that he has been forced to keep hidden from his parents his whole life.

I took two creative writing classes in college, and creative writing has been a huge part of my life ever since I was a little kid, so I would love to hear any suggestions that others have. I often do my best writing when I'm writing within a limited prompt, and am forced to come up with ideas and characters on the spot. So if any of the above ideas spark your interest, or if there's any other premises that you have that you'd love to see made into a story, I'd love to hear about them.

I look forward to getting to know everyone here, and I really hope that someone out there finds the creations of my twisted sexually-confused mind to be at least a little amusing. If nothing else, I'm just glad that finally I have a place to post the stories that I've been writing in the privacy of my own room for so long, even if nobody else likes them.

Greets!

-Charlie, aka cheetaking243, aka Carrie in the ideal world that only exists in my head.

Oh, yeah, and if you're wondering about my avatar, it's Nausicaa from the Hayao Miyazaki movie "Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind." Miyazaki-san is my favorite film director of all time. I love all animation, but his movies are absolutely the cream of the crop.

I just realized that I really didn't talk about my actual desires much in the opening post. And I thought maybe some others might like to kind of hear my actual life "story" per se, rather than just my fictional stories, so I thought I better actually say something about my history.

MY LIFE STORY:

I've been interested in disability and amputation as long as I can remember, going all the way back to at least the age of 5 when I used to stick my arms inside of my shirt and pretend that I didn't have any arms, or tuck my penis down between my legs and walk around the house pretending that I didn't have a penis anymore. I don't recall a time where I didn't do those things. But at the time, they were more childhood fascination rather than things that seriously bugged me. In retrospect, after watching my old videos of birthday parties, I kind of suddenly realized "wow, I had a really unusual number of girls as friends up until 3rd grade... and I'm acting a lot more like a girl than a boy." But I was pretty much 100% fine with my gender identity, and only fantasized about disability as a passing curiosity, as a kid.

7th grade was when it all really started going down the tubes. Within the same 1-year period, I moved 1000 miles away from my childhood home, went from a house in middle-of-nowhere small-town Ohio to the middle of the city in Tampa, Florida, my parents divorced, I changed from a public school where I had been the smartest kid in the whole school to a magnet school where I wasn't even close to being at the top, plus I started going through puberty, plus for the first time in my life I didn't have any female friends anymore.

Somewhere in the midst of this mess, my identity issues started spiraling out of control. I started spending endless hours writing stories on my computer about imagining myself as crazy things like being the "middle" of a set of conjoined triplets with no limbs. Plus as soon as I fully started understanding the connotations of girls not having penises, I started fantasizing what it was like to be them. What really got me started on the transsexual desires was clothing. As a kid in Ohio, which was still a good 5 years behind the curve in terms of fashion, I had worn shorter shorts, which only came down to my mid-thigh, and nobody had cared. I kept wearing those same shorts when I moved to Tampa, and I was ridiculed to no end for it. People teased me with "Look at that boy with the Daisy-Dukes on," and people kept asking me if I was gay. I was also still a soprano in the school choir, and damned proud of it because I had a very beautiful soprano voice, so that just added to it.

And yet, before the changes of puberty started happening, I was still perfectly fine with my gender. In fact, if I could find a way to just go back to that body and that point of life, and live my life as an undeveloped boy, I would have done it. But obviously, because I had never been anything else but a kid, and therefore had no idea that it was even possible for oneself to dislike their body, I had no way of knowing that I would hate puberty so much. And that was when it officially started. I hated having a big penis. My penis had never bothered me as a kid, while it was still small, but as soon as it grew into a teenage size, that damned thing started annoying me at just about every second. I hated the hair that was growing all over my body. It just felt gross to me, and completely counter to what I felt like my personality was like. In fact, those first couple years where it was just starting to grow in, I stole my mom's razors all the time and shaved it off, while I could still use the excuse that I hadn't grown it naturally yet. And I REALLY hated my changed voice. My soprano singing voice was a part of my identity. It was downright beautiful... pure, clear, innocent, gorgeous. That voice had gotten me accepted to participate in the all-state chorus, and into the elite Touring Ensemble of the Tampa Bay Children's Chorus, which is basically reserved for the best 15 children singers in the entire Tampa Bay area. But then, one day, early in my 9th grade year of school, it was gone. Just that quickly. It was the same year that I finally gave up the battle over my short shorts and bought knee-length shorts, which were much hotter and much less comfortable. At that point, it really felt like the true me, the me that I saw myself as and wanted to be, had died. After that, I just didn't know who I was anymore. I was wearing clothes that weren't ones I liked, it was ones that other people forced me to wear or else I would get ridiculed. It felt like I wasn't me anymore. I didn't have a voice that I liked anymore, I didn't have a body that I liked anymore, and I didn't have genitals that I liked anymore. Plus I grew taller than I wanted to be. I was perfectly happy with my height around the beginning of 8th grade, when I was about 5'8". By the end of the year, though, I was up to a full 6 feet, and was starting to not fit on things. And it was after realizing the culmination of these things, that I officially started wishing that I was a girl. Because, I realized, girls still got to do everything that I identified myself as. They got to wear short shorts, they got to shave their legs and still have smooth hairless bodies, they still got to have those beautiful soprano voices, they still got to act silly and spontaneous and act like kids if they wanted to rather than being expected to act manly and stoic, and they didn't have to worry about getting erections or having a big penis bunched up on the insides of their shorts constantly like I had to now.

I've still never fully gotten over this. I still feel like my voice and my body aren't mine, and it has taken me this long to realize that I don't have to be a girl in order to wear the clothes that I want and act how I want. But I internalized those societal limitations. Rather than just being myself and not worrying about what anyone else thought, I've spent my entire life flying under the radar, playing the gender-normality game, and pretending to be a normal guy while inside I was screaming. Even now, when it comes to these things, I'm a total coward.

Being the body type that I am, which is a big broad-shouldered guy, 6'2" tall and 250 lbs, it's pretty much impossible for me to express the person that I really am on the inside in any way externally. So, yeah, I have a hell of a lot of pent-up desires that I can't properly explore in real life, which is why I pour so much of this into my writing.

Anyway, that's my life story as far as my sexual issues go. Right now, I'm happily in a long-term relationship, (and she's the first person that I ever admitted my secret desires to, so it was a really big thing to finally tell someone after 6+ years of not being able to tell anyone whatsoever,) and most of the time I'm able to ignore my pent-up desires and just be myself, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I still miss my soprano voice very dearly, and still get extremely jealous every single time that I see a little girl wearing a short skirt or short shorts.

I very much relate to the story you tell. A lot of points hit home for me. Like you I had primarily female friends up until 5th or 6th grade. I never once thought anything odd about that.

I too hated puberty, but for me it was because it came so late. To this day, I still feel like I should have a prepubescent body. In my mind's eye, that's who I am.

On a different note, congratulations on being the first person to submit a story for the relaunch of the EA stories. Sadly, I didn't get your stories published first. I had a glitch, and they didn't post. So though you submitted first, Milkman got the first published spot.

Sorry about that.

Keep those stories coming. You are a good writer.

I love your stories and your story ideas. I also love your new adventure into hormones.

Mike

Heh... interesting that this thread popped back up, because I was just reading this yesterday and thinking to myself "Man, I've REALLY changed since I posted this 8 months ago." You know, honestly, if someone had gone back in time and told me that a mere year after I started posting on these message boards I'd be doing a hormone trial and potentially shooting for a real-life sex change, I never would have believed it. It's amazing what a little change of perspective on the fact that it actually IS possible, and that I could still actually have a chance of looking good, can do to you.

As always, thanks for taking the time to read. It's great to know that I'm not just rambling on and on to nobody.