Testosterone changed my gender and eliminated the desire for castration
Posted: Mon May 07, 2012 1:20 pm
Ever since I was a young teenager I have been driven toward castration. I never truly felt like a guy, but I sure as hell didn't feel like a woman either! (Not that there would be anything wrong with feeling like a woman, but it would be a much more difficult journey.) Once I hit puberty, I largely felt unique and I didn't identify with anyone in my every day life. Things were made worse because I had bipolar. And when I sometimes experienced hypersexuality during hypomania, it would greatly enhance the gender incongruity that I felt. And consequently, I would feel extremely driven toward castration. At other times, the drive toward castration was like a pressure cooker that was relentless and slowly built in pressure over the months and years.
Eventually I tried depo provera a few times on my own and without supervision. It was amazingly effective at eliminating the gender incongruity. It was a major relief to have how I felt brought in line with who I was. At most I would take it for a few months and stop when I got scared. And once I stopped, I would experience extreme bipolar symptoms for 6 months. It was a high price to pay for relief. But sometimes it was something that just had to be done.
I tried reaching out for professional help about 7 years ago. It wasn't until the last couple of years did I find a therapist that was helpful. Because gender has a tendency to be regarded as a binary concept of men and women, it took a while for my therapist to really understand what was going on. After about 6 months of seeing him, I crossed the threshold of what I could tolerate and ended up injecting both of my testicals each with 3cc of everclear! Because of the immediacy of the situation, I worked with my family doctor and therapist to prescribe something to lower my testosterone. My family doctor consulted with an endocrinologist on an alternative to depo provera. He prescribed 1mg/0.2mL of leuprolide acetate.
Leuprolide acetate is a very powerful anti-androgen! It can easily take you to castrate levels in a hurry, but ironically it raises your testosterone levels by about 150% for up to a week. Something unusual happened for me during this time. For the first time in life I felt like a guy!! I ended up taking the leuprolide acetate for a month and stopped. The gender incongruity reached an all time low when I was as castrate levels. And I continued to see my therapist over the coming months as my testosterone climbed back up to normal levels. We talked a lot about those few short few days of feeling like a guy. Eventually we mutually wondered whether it would be physiologically reasonably to increase my testosterone to a level where I might feel like a guy.
It took a few months, but I managed to find an endocrinologist willing to work with me and my therapist. Initially he was a little confused and made it very clear that he had never done anything like this before. He ran some blood work and wanted to be extra cautious about proceeding with raising my testosterone levels. Things came back okay and he prescribed me 1% testosterone gel and indicated for me to take 5g of it three times a week. I felt cautiously optimistic, but I also know that me and medication get along like oil and water.
It has been a few months since I started taking the testosterone and my life is profoundly changed. There is a massive difference between feeling like a guy for a few days versus feeling like a guy all the time! I had every intention of taking the testosterone 3x a week right from the start, but it was so effective it was overwhelming initially. I had to start out by taking it just once a week and slowly increasing it. I'm currently taking it every 3 days--e.g. Monday, Thursday, Sunday, Wednesday, etc. I've tried taking it a couple of times every other day and it still seems excessive in its ability to change who I am. There is absolutely nothing left of what my gender was; I feel 100% like a guy. I see my endocrinologist in a couple of weeks and I'll see whether he thinks I should just stick to taking it every 3 days or move up to taking it 3x a week. The only downside to taking it every 3 days is that it is much harder to remember when to take it.
Testosterone has not simply changed my sense of gender, it has had a lot of other effects. And many of them have come as a complete surprise.
1. Taking testosterone has eliminated my gender incongruity by changing who I am. Testosterone's ability to change my gender from very close to neutral to a man is both profound and intellectually a little scary. At first I had a lot of doubts about whether this was some kind of placebo effect or that I was deluding myself. It also didn't help that to the best of my knowledge, no one has reported this effect before. I have searched PubMed in vain trying to locate anyone that has purported such an effect. I have not found a single instance. I even talked to transgendered people that are biological male but feel they are a woman to see if they could relate to my situation. A couple of them tried taking testosterone initially thinking it might help, but they reported that it made their situation far worse and greatly exacerbated their gender identity dysphoria. If anyone out there has tried testosterone and felt that it was able to change your gender, I would love to talk to you.
Because the effect of testosterone in me is so consistent and strong in its ability to change my gender, I no longer have any doubts about this. I believe that my problem is not unique and that other people may also benefit from testosterone, but my problem may be very rare.
2. I feel an amazing and deep sense of peace and tranquility. It's like looking out over the most serene of landscapes and taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling. Or maybe its like visiting a monastery atop a high mountain in the himalayas.
Initially, it was so strong in its effect that I literally just wanted to cuddle or take a nap 3 to 4 hours after taking the testosterone. I never realized just how much background emotional chaos that I had until it was removed. It was like a constant flux of chaos. I have no idea why, but I haven't felt any bipolar symptoms since I started taking the testosterone. Even more surprisingly, my mood remained stable and normal when I got sick for one and a half weeks with bronchitis. Normally that kind of disruption in my sleep and that kind of suffering would wreak havoc on my mood.
I have no explanation for this effect. It is very consistent. The one down side initially is that I felt less motivated to do anything. I felt content to do nothing! I've learned to adapt and still get things done when I get home from work, so this isn't a bad thing per se. I have also noticed that things just don't bother me like they use to.
The thing that seems most surprising about this effect is that my endocrinologist was concerned that I would feel increased aggression and anger, especially considering my bipolar diagnosis. Given my experience so far, I can't even begin to imagine feeling that way. It is completely the opposite of how I have felt so far. Maybe with a massive increase in testosterone it would affect me differently?
3. How I relate to people has changed. This is hard to put into words and be precise about it, but I'll try anyway. Because I feel like a guy, I now relate to other guys in an unspoken way that I never did before. The first time I realized that I related to another guy I nearly cried. It was a profound moment in my life. I was no longer alone.
I have felt others act differently toward me in a nuanced way. Guys seem to be a little more open and friendly while women seem to be a little more distant. It could be that I'm acting differently and they are just responding to me accordingly. I don't know.
I have gotten some solicited and unsolicited feedback from others that have noticed a change in me. My other half doesn't think that I have changed all that much, but he has noticed that I carry myself more often in a masculine way. My mom says that I seem to be more at more ease and I am more confident in myself. My grandma (who knows nothing about the situation) said to me that I look and sound better and that there is just something different that she likes.
Internally I feel less compassionate and sympathy to the feelings of other people. I haven't done anything bad, but I feel less sensitive to others and their situation. This bothers me a little, but it isn't so obvious or noticeable that anyone has called me out on it. I have always been a person that someone could turn to and I would listen to them intently for hours. That seems a little less likely with the changes I see.
4. When I look into the mirror. I see someone different. And I mean this quite literally. At first, it was a little shocking. It was like looking into the mirror and seeing someone else's reflection! I didn't physically look any different, but it didn't matter. I saw a man and it was someone else. I have now gotten use to the person that I see in the mirror. And it isn't shocking; it doesn't feel weird in any way; and it now feels like me.
5. I have always gotten cold easily. I find sitting in the office at 73F or below to be cold! And my hands and feet are often freezing to the touch, especially in the winter time. Things have changed since taking the testosterone. I feel a lot more tolerant to the cold. I have been surprised that I don't even feel cold at the office when it is 68F. This has been a completely unexpected side effect and something that I definitely don't mind!
6. My appetite has noticeably increased. I gained about 5lbs before I was able to get a handle on it. I switched to eating low calorie high volume foods so that I can eat a lot, feel full, and not consume a ton of calories. My weight has been stable at 140lbs for the last 10 years, so I'm very hesitant to allow my weight to change any amount.
7. Excessive body hair is something that would easily trip me up in the past and greatly increase my sense of gender identity dysphoria. Shaving and waxing body hair was something that I did from time to time because it helped me feel better. In fact, it was often a great relief!
This has definitely changed. The hair on my legs is well past the point that would send me over the edge and it doesn't bother me even a little. Lately I have even thought that it would be nice if I had more hair on my arms like most other guys. I would not have ever expected that testosterone would make me want more hair. That's almost unbelievable, but it is what it is.
Early on I felt so comfortable that I decided to try growing out my facial hair. I have never done this before in life. To my great surprise, it did not cause any problems. And even better, it reinforced the feeling that I am a guy, especially when I look into a mirror. My other half was not entirely keen on me growing facial hair, but virtually everyone else in my life celebrated this change. To them it was a very outward sign of the changes that I have felt inside.
8. One of the most unexpected side effects of testosterone is now how I feel around children. For the first time in life, I feel that I could be a father and have a healthy loving relationship with a child. I feel that being a father could be a great enriching life experience. Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean I *want* to be a father, just that I know I could be. Bringing a new life into the world or adopting a child is a stupendous decision that should never be taken lightly!
In the past, it has been hard for me to have or want any kind of relationship with kids, even kids within my own family. I always felt a certain amount of fear and anxiety around them. What I saw in them was emotional chaos and unpredictable behavior. It reminded me so much of an event that happened years ago while I was a high school senior and when I was a teacher's aid for a first grade teacher. That day and event has been with me ever since. A child that had a history of behavior problems began to get upset about having to stand in line with all of the other kids to go to the bathroom. Suddenly and without warning he started to attack the teacher. WIthout thinking I tackled him to the ground. As soon as I realized what I had done, I was going to release him but the teacher yelled at me to hold him down until the principal came. He was still wildly out of control. In that moment, I looked into his eyes and I saw not a child but an animal. It scared the hell out of me!
I'm not really sure how or why testosterone could make me feel more comfortable around children. I'm even less certain how it could give me the confidence to feel that I could be a father. I have talked about this with my therapist and I haven't come to any conclusions about it.
9. Recently I thought about the likelihood of exogenous testosterone causing my testicals to shrink over time. Before I would have been delighted about such a possibility, but I don't feel that way now. I feel slightly concerned about it, but not too much. I guess I wouldn't mind if they were the same size or bigger because it would more closely match with how I feel, but it isn't that big of a deal. My sense of gender identity has never been tied to whether I have testicals or even the size of them.
10. My endocrinologist was concerned that raising my testosterone level would increase my libido, which has been a problem during hypersexuality. There has been some increase in my libido, but it isn't entirely cut and dry. I feel more frequently sexual, but I feel less inclined to act out on it. In some ways, it seems like awash. How often I climax has gone up by about 50%, so it is noticeable and significant. But it isn't anything that my therapist or I have been concerned about so far.
There is a LOT of difference between hypersexuality and even if my sex drive were doubled. Hypersexuality completely reorientates my life such that there is only one reason for my existence--to climax. It rewrites all of my priorities and nothing is more important than sex. It is extreme and ridiculously dysfunctional and highly irritating. The increase in sex drive hasn't bothered me or caused any problems.
I don't think that testosterone has magically cured me of bipolar. I hope that it will make things better, but there is every possibility that I will experience hypersexuality in the future. How that plays out while on testosterone, I have no idea. It's something that my therapist and myself will have to keep an eye on.
11. I have always had stronger climaxes than the average guy. The first time someone sees me climax they think something is wrong and ask me if everything is okay. Like many people, there are times when I have even stronger climaxes. Immediately following the most intense orgasms, I feel tremendously bad. Not just a little bad, but REALLY bad and in a way that is hard to articulate. It's like being hit with a hammer, but without the pain. It has nothing to do with feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or any other reasonable explanation that would come to mind. It has happened many times over the years. And this bad feeling would last 30 minutes to an hour and then mysteriously disappear. It has been so intense at times that I would take a shower and cry uncontrollably. Some people call this problem Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome (POIS), which can also have other symptoms. It has only recently being studied and I haven't been diagnosed with it. But I have no better name to call it.
Anyway, one of the most surprising side effects of taking testosterone is that I have not had this happen! Initially when I started taking testosterone it made my climaxes MUCH stronger than on average. The first time it happened I just KNEW that I was going to feel like crap. It didn't happen. Then over the next week I climaxed several times and hard enough that it should have easily caused the problem. But nothing happened. I have absolutely no idea why this problem seems to be totally gone, but I am very thankful!
It is interesting that the intensity of orgasms have returned to normal. The more intense climaxes were just transient as I started to take testosterone.
12. Testosterone has eliminated the castration fixation. I don't feel any desire for it. In fact, it is almost a little repulsive. Before starting testosterone, I didn't honestly think that this was possible. I felt that castration was inevitable and something that was going to happen in the next 5 years or less. I just couldn't deal with the gender incongruity any longer. If someone told me a year ago that I would feel this way, I would not have even remotely believed them.
----
Honestly since I've started testosterone I haven't given too much thought to the things I have seen in myself. There are some rather obvious questions that just beg to be answered. Such as what are the moral and ethical implications of changing who you are? Or why would I choose to change who I am instead of lowering my testosterone? Why I am the only one that has reported that testosterone can change their gender identity?
As I have told others recently Being normal isn't necessarily better, but it sure is a whole lot easier. Maybe it isn't necessary to have all the answers when happiness and peace fill your life. I have found in life that great pain and suffering lead to thoughtful contemplative thought. These things can be a journey that pencil in depth and meaning to ones life. Without that pain and suffering, the most pressing questions can come and go unanswered even when they stare you in the face.
I am more than happy to answer any questions. And I'm more than happy to hear about your experiences and if and how you related to my experience.
Eventually I tried depo provera a few times on my own and without supervision. It was amazingly effective at eliminating the gender incongruity. It was a major relief to have how I felt brought in line with who I was. At most I would take it for a few months and stop when I got scared. And once I stopped, I would experience extreme bipolar symptoms for 6 months. It was a high price to pay for relief. But sometimes it was something that just had to be done.
I tried reaching out for professional help about 7 years ago. It wasn't until the last couple of years did I find a therapist that was helpful. Because gender has a tendency to be regarded as a binary concept of men and women, it took a while for my therapist to really understand what was going on. After about 6 months of seeing him, I crossed the threshold of what I could tolerate and ended up injecting both of my testicals each with 3cc of everclear! Because of the immediacy of the situation, I worked with my family doctor and therapist to prescribe something to lower my testosterone. My family doctor consulted with an endocrinologist on an alternative to depo provera. He prescribed 1mg/0.2mL of leuprolide acetate.
Leuprolide acetate is a very powerful anti-androgen! It can easily take you to castrate levels in a hurry, but ironically it raises your testosterone levels by about 150% for up to a week. Something unusual happened for me during this time. For the first time in life I felt like a guy!! I ended up taking the leuprolide acetate for a month and stopped. The gender incongruity reached an all time low when I was as castrate levels. And I continued to see my therapist over the coming months as my testosterone climbed back up to normal levels. We talked a lot about those few short few days of feeling like a guy. Eventually we mutually wondered whether it would be physiologically reasonably to increase my testosterone to a level where I might feel like a guy.
It took a few months, but I managed to find an endocrinologist willing to work with me and my therapist. Initially he was a little confused and made it very clear that he had never done anything like this before. He ran some blood work and wanted to be extra cautious about proceeding with raising my testosterone levels. Things came back okay and he prescribed me 1% testosterone gel and indicated for me to take 5g of it three times a week. I felt cautiously optimistic, but I also know that me and medication get along like oil and water.
It has been a few months since I started taking the testosterone and my life is profoundly changed. There is a massive difference between feeling like a guy for a few days versus feeling like a guy all the time! I had every intention of taking the testosterone 3x a week right from the start, but it was so effective it was overwhelming initially. I had to start out by taking it just once a week and slowly increasing it. I'm currently taking it every 3 days--e.g. Monday, Thursday, Sunday, Wednesday, etc. I've tried taking it a couple of times every other day and it still seems excessive in its ability to change who I am. There is absolutely nothing left of what my gender was; I feel 100% like a guy. I see my endocrinologist in a couple of weeks and I'll see whether he thinks I should just stick to taking it every 3 days or move up to taking it 3x a week. The only downside to taking it every 3 days is that it is much harder to remember when to take it.
Testosterone has not simply changed my sense of gender, it has had a lot of other effects. And many of them have come as a complete surprise.
1. Taking testosterone has eliminated my gender incongruity by changing who I am. Testosterone's ability to change my gender from very close to neutral to a man is both profound and intellectually a little scary. At first I had a lot of doubts about whether this was some kind of placebo effect or that I was deluding myself. It also didn't help that to the best of my knowledge, no one has reported this effect before. I have searched PubMed in vain trying to locate anyone that has purported such an effect. I have not found a single instance. I even talked to transgendered people that are biological male but feel they are a woman to see if they could relate to my situation. A couple of them tried taking testosterone initially thinking it might help, but they reported that it made their situation far worse and greatly exacerbated their gender identity dysphoria. If anyone out there has tried testosterone and felt that it was able to change your gender, I would love to talk to you.
Because the effect of testosterone in me is so consistent and strong in its ability to change my gender, I no longer have any doubts about this. I believe that my problem is not unique and that other people may also benefit from testosterone, but my problem may be very rare.
2. I feel an amazing and deep sense of peace and tranquility. It's like looking out over the most serene of landscapes and taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling. Or maybe its like visiting a monastery atop a high mountain in the himalayas.
Initially, it was so strong in its effect that I literally just wanted to cuddle or take a nap 3 to 4 hours after taking the testosterone. I never realized just how much background emotional chaos that I had until it was removed. It was like a constant flux of chaos. I have no idea why, but I haven't felt any bipolar symptoms since I started taking the testosterone. Even more surprisingly, my mood remained stable and normal when I got sick for one and a half weeks with bronchitis. Normally that kind of disruption in my sleep and that kind of suffering would wreak havoc on my mood.
I have no explanation for this effect. It is very consistent. The one down side initially is that I felt less motivated to do anything. I felt content to do nothing! I've learned to adapt and still get things done when I get home from work, so this isn't a bad thing per se. I have also noticed that things just don't bother me like they use to.
The thing that seems most surprising about this effect is that my endocrinologist was concerned that I would feel increased aggression and anger, especially considering my bipolar diagnosis. Given my experience so far, I can't even begin to imagine feeling that way. It is completely the opposite of how I have felt so far. Maybe with a massive increase in testosterone it would affect me differently?
3. How I relate to people has changed. This is hard to put into words and be precise about it, but I'll try anyway. Because I feel like a guy, I now relate to other guys in an unspoken way that I never did before. The first time I realized that I related to another guy I nearly cried. It was a profound moment in my life. I was no longer alone.
I have felt others act differently toward me in a nuanced way. Guys seem to be a little more open and friendly while women seem to be a little more distant. It could be that I'm acting differently and they are just responding to me accordingly. I don't know.
I have gotten some solicited and unsolicited feedback from others that have noticed a change in me. My other half doesn't think that I have changed all that much, but he has noticed that I carry myself more often in a masculine way. My mom says that I seem to be more at more ease and I am more confident in myself. My grandma (who knows nothing about the situation) said to me that I look and sound better and that there is just something different that she likes.
Internally I feel less compassionate and sympathy to the feelings of other people. I haven't done anything bad, but I feel less sensitive to others and their situation. This bothers me a little, but it isn't so obvious or noticeable that anyone has called me out on it. I have always been a person that someone could turn to and I would listen to them intently for hours. That seems a little less likely with the changes I see.
4. When I look into the mirror. I see someone different. And I mean this quite literally. At first, it was a little shocking. It was like looking into the mirror and seeing someone else's reflection! I didn't physically look any different, but it didn't matter. I saw a man and it was someone else. I have now gotten use to the person that I see in the mirror. And it isn't shocking; it doesn't feel weird in any way; and it now feels like me.
5. I have always gotten cold easily. I find sitting in the office at 73F or below to be cold! And my hands and feet are often freezing to the touch, especially in the winter time. Things have changed since taking the testosterone. I feel a lot more tolerant to the cold. I have been surprised that I don't even feel cold at the office when it is 68F. This has been a completely unexpected side effect and something that I definitely don't mind!
6. My appetite has noticeably increased. I gained about 5lbs before I was able to get a handle on it. I switched to eating low calorie high volume foods so that I can eat a lot, feel full, and not consume a ton of calories. My weight has been stable at 140lbs for the last 10 years, so I'm very hesitant to allow my weight to change any amount.
7. Excessive body hair is something that would easily trip me up in the past and greatly increase my sense of gender identity dysphoria. Shaving and waxing body hair was something that I did from time to time because it helped me feel better. In fact, it was often a great relief!
This has definitely changed. The hair on my legs is well past the point that would send me over the edge and it doesn't bother me even a little. Lately I have even thought that it would be nice if I had more hair on my arms like most other guys. I would not have ever expected that testosterone would make me want more hair. That's almost unbelievable, but it is what it is.
Early on I felt so comfortable that I decided to try growing out my facial hair. I have never done this before in life. To my great surprise, it did not cause any problems. And even better, it reinforced the feeling that I am a guy, especially when I look into a mirror. My other half was not entirely keen on me growing facial hair, but virtually everyone else in my life celebrated this change. To them it was a very outward sign of the changes that I have felt inside.
8. One of the most unexpected side effects of testosterone is now how I feel around children. For the first time in life, I feel that I could be a father and have a healthy loving relationship with a child. I feel that being a father could be a great enriching life experience. Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean I *want* to be a father, just that I know I could be. Bringing a new life into the world or adopting a child is a stupendous decision that should never be taken lightly!
In the past, it has been hard for me to have or want any kind of relationship with kids, even kids within my own family. I always felt a certain amount of fear and anxiety around them. What I saw in them was emotional chaos and unpredictable behavior. It reminded me so much of an event that happened years ago while I was a high school senior and when I was a teacher's aid for a first grade teacher. That day and event has been with me ever since. A child that had a history of behavior problems began to get upset about having to stand in line with all of the other kids to go to the bathroom. Suddenly and without warning he started to attack the teacher. WIthout thinking I tackled him to the ground. As soon as I realized what I had done, I was going to release him but the teacher yelled at me to hold him down until the principal came. He was still wildly out of control. In that moment, I looked into his eyes and I saw not a child but an animal. It scared the hell out of me!
I'm not really sure how or why testosterone could make me feel more comfortable around children. I'm even less certain how it could give me the confidence to feel that I could be a father. I have talked about this with my therapist and I haven't come to any conclusions about it.
9. Recently I thought about the likelihood of exogenous testosterone causing my testicals to shrink over time. Before I would have been delighted about such a possibility, but I don't feel that way now. I feel slightly concerned about it, but not too much. I guess I wouldn't mind if they were the same size or bigger because it would more closely match with how I feel, but it isn't that big of a deal. My sense of gender identity has never been tied to whether I have testicals or even the size of them.
10. My endocrinologist was concerned that raising my testosterone level would increase my libido, which has been a problem during hypersexuality. There has been some increase in my libido, but it isn't entirely cut and dry. I feel more frequently sexual, but I feel less inclined to act out on it. In some ways, it seems like awash. How often I climax has gone up by about 50%, so it is noticeable and significant. But it isn't anything that my therapist or I have been concerned about so far.
There is a LOT of difference between hypersexuality and even if my sex drive were doubled. Hypersexuality completely reorientates my life such that there is only one reason for my existence--to climax. It rewrites all of my priorities and nothing is more important than sex. It is extreme and ridiculously dysfunctional and highly irritating. The increase in sex drive hasn't bothered me or caused any problems.
I don't think that testosterone has magically cured me of bipolar. I hope that it will make things better, but there is every possibility that I will experience hypersexuality in the future. How that plays out while on testosterone, I have no idea. It's something that my therapist and myself will have to keep an eye on.
11. I have always had stronger climaxes than the average guy. The first time someone sees me climax they think something is wrong and ask me if everything is okay. Like many people, there are times when I have even stronger climaxes. Immediately following the most intense orgasms, I feel tremendously bad. Not just a little bad, but REALLY bad and in a way that is hard to articulate. It's like being hit with a hammer, but without the pain. It has nothing to do with feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or any other reasonable explanation that would come to mind. It has happened many times over the years. And this bad feeling would last 30 minutes to an hour and then mysteriously disappear. It has been so intense at times that I would take a shower and cry uncontrollably. Some people call this problem Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome (POIS), which can also have other symptoms. It has only recently being studied and I haven't been diagnosed with it. But I have no better name to call it.
Anyway, one of the most surprising side effects of taking testosterone is that I have not had this happen! Initially when I started taking testosterone it made my climaxes MUCH stronger than on average. The first time it happened I just KNEW that I was going to feel like crap. It didn't happen. Then over the next week I climaxed several times and hard enough that it should have easily caused the problem. But nothing happened. I have absolutely no idea why this problem seems to be totally gone, but I am very thankful!
It is interesting that the intensity of orgasms have returned to normal. The more intense climaxes were just transient as I started to take testosterone.
12. Testosterone has eliminated the castration fixation. I don't feel any desire for it. In fact, it is almost a little repulsive. Before starting testosterone, I didn't honestly think that this was possible. I felt that castration was inevitable and something that was going to happen in the next 5 years or less. I just couldn't deal with the gender incongruity any longer. If someone told me a year ago that I would feel this way, I would not have even remotely believed them.
----
Honestly since I've started testosterone I haven't given too much thought to the things I have seen in myself. There are some rather obvious questions that just beg to be answered. Such as what are the moral and ethical implications of changing who you are? Or why would I choose to change who I am instead of lowering my testosterone? Why I am the only one that has reported that testosterone can change their gender identity?
As I have told others recently Being normal isn't necessarily better, but it sure is a whole lot easier. Maybe it isn't necessary to have all the answers when happiness and peace fill your life. I have found in life that great pain and suffering lead to thoughtful contemplative thought. These things can be a journey that pencil in depth and meaning to ones life. Without that pain and suffering, the most pressing questions can come and go unanswered even when they stare you in the face.
I am more than happy to answer any questions. And I'm more than happy to hear about your experiences and if and how you related to my experience.
