So I realy like the name Ryan now..

I have looked into it for a few weeks now and my BF likes the name too. Anyway back up a bit <<<< in my life I suppose I didn't realy understand when I look back, why I now feel this way.

For those who don't know I was born in a male body, but how I feel inside is different. I would not say that I am totaly female (woman) but I'm cirtainly not male although I have the male anatomy. I have not felt like I was female from birth as some do, but as I was growing up I kept coming across the need to feel like a female. This mainly was a facination ( not fetish ) for womens clothes and a wish to feel more female by wearing them. As my upbringing was quite difficult as my family was religious (christian) and that I was more worried about being gay, the understanding why I was interested in being more feminine was lost on me.

I suppose my counselor would say that I'm just a feminine guy that likes to wear womens clothes (him carefully not sugesting that I'm a crossdresser) and that I'm not a woman, but thats not true. I feel hurt that he thinks that my condition is a fetish or not a valid recognised condition. After help from friends here on EA and doctors in the field I have understanding that the gender spectrum is different for everyone and that no one should feel left out or uncared for just becouse they do not fit into a set "Male" or "Female" role.

I started talking to the NHS (UK) in january 2011 and while the first doctor I spoke to was very understanding since she has left to go on maternaty leave everyone else since has put up barriers in progressing and for me to feel comfatable with myself.

The first person I spoke to after my doctor was a psychiatric nurse who seemed nice but had little way of helping apart from telling me to travel twenty miles away to go to a health group for transexuals that met every first monday of the month. While some may say that this was a good step my personal situation ment that I could not afford it and would have raised suspision with my BF who did not know about it then.

I was then, after wasting time with her, offered to see a psycosexual counselor. I have had about half a year now with them and while they always seem nice to talk to I can see myself being drawn into a loop where the counselor offers help, you take the bait so not to feel like a freek, but it never leads to anything as A) their own admision to the field of care for transgender people is clouded by their own bias that it isnt a valid reason for treatment on the NHS and B) the NHS say its cosmetic and are reluctant to pay for it.

I have got to the stage now that the counselor isnt helping and I feel like number "6" in the story "The prisoner (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Prisoner)"... "I am not a number, I am a free man" ("man" as it was a male role number 6 played)... I think that anyone who waches this program gets somthing out of it that is different each time they see it (and I would strongly urge everyone to wach it once) but it has a real potent storyline, that everyone is intitled to be who they wish to be without being pressured or coerced into a set patern or thought. If you dont like the origional you can wach the remake (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Prison ... iseries%29) which stared Sir Ian McKellen (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ian_McKellen) and Jamie Campbell Bower (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamie_Campbell_Bower) two people who a put in very high regard as amazing actors and thinkers of our time.

So what triggured this all off and why? Well as I have previously said I have always been gay and this has not changed at all. Due to Margaret Thatchers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margaret_Thatcher) Section 28 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_28) I had dificulty especialy in school understanding and accepting being gay. This coupled with my parents strong religious background I found battles all the time both in myself and with my family and others that unfortunatly has traveled with me since that time.

When I look back I was always searching for an identity not born out of somthing being missing but becouse I did not know who I was. A bit like an actor who researches roles and background to a story or person. Being very artistic and musical my main outlet was an expressive passion that comes across as very harsh to many people when I talk to them today becouse I am "to the point" and "direct" as anything else not to do with a positive action or words is almost unessesery in my own mind.

I have total respect for everyone but due to how others see and treat me day to day, I have problems with trust and being hurt emotionaly.

On 04-30-2008 I joined EA after coming across others that had an interest, including mental and physical to gender. While growing up I remember having dreams (not fantasies) about being or becoming female and back then I did not understand why and this is what wanted me to research the subject more and understand the reasoning behing my feelings.

The feeling I find hard to express and come across to people is that "I'm not a woman (biologically) but I am a woman in how I feel. So I don't nessaseraly want be be a woman (biologically) but my own "feeling" of being a woman. I have also thoughts and feelings about changing my sex (not to be confused with fetish thoughts) and may wish to go down that route later on. For now I need to be able to become that "feeling" inside and take medication to achieve that and look more female (feminine). That simple fact is what I have come to understand through my journey here on the EA.

I have had during this time problems with my boss at work and co-workers. My boss has always treated me less favourably than others and during the last few months of my employment before having to hand in my notice, made my life hell. He lied, stured up anger towards me, refused to talk on the phone or by email and made up false claims that I wasnt doing a good job. So I resigned as A) it wasnt fair on my co-workers and B) I would have been made redundant anyway and at least I could quit on my own terms.

During the last few years I came across what I found to be an interest in a german rock group and especialy the leed singer who's apearance I could ifentify with .... I hesitate to say this as its somthing that I feel my therapist would find amusing as an almost case study of how others can influence you; a sort of idolisation in essence of someone else, but this is not true in my case. (this was all after I had been on hormones for over a year)

At a personal level I find the music both intersting and entertaining and my personal thoughts on the singer; well ... personal.

Previously to contacting the NHS for help I had taken estrofem and siterone for three years. I have seen a change in my body and wan't to take that further with medical help and supervision. My reasons are that it isnt smart if you take medication without supervision and blood tests and the overall cost over time is not sustainable.

As for the NHS they have rules that they have to keep in order to only procede with help for those who need it most. They also have rules that are used by profesionals to hinder the help from the NHS by strictly inforcing them to suffercate any chance of help. They also are stuck in a binary "Male" "Female" type so even if you try and follow the rules if you don't fit in and say yes I'm a man or Yes I'm a female then you don't get help as well. The NHS will ignore guidence from other profesionals in the field and not take into account their own advise and guidence. The NHS will ignore and profesional advise from other groups that have a overall interst in helping transgender people.

I'm not having a bash at the NHS as they do help alot of people but I am pointing out the shortfalls I have come across.

Things to note are;

A) Is your therapist a member of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health. If s/he is not, why not?

B) Does your therapist follow the guidelines of the WPATH Standards of Care. Again, if not, why not? They ARE the standards that ought to be used.

C) Does your therapist know of have knowledge of the reviews, research and guidence from GIRES?

D) Has your therapist refered you to a Gender Identity Clinic or psychotherapist?

E) Do they have any conflicting views that would impair their profesional judgement and treatment?

F) Are they adhering to the eqality act 2010 in regards to treatment.

G) Does your therapist understand that insisting RLE or name change is not always the best way to procede with treatment?

So how does that leave me so far? Well I will have to go back to buying hormones (short term) off the internet and look for a new job as well. I will continue to live how I "feel" and dress acordingly to that. (female clothes where possible)

Reference:

http://www.switchnewmedia.com/lgbt/VOD/ ... rchive.htm

http://www.switchnewmedia.com/lgbt/VOD/ ... rchive.htm

http://www.gires.org.uk/Prevalence2011.pdf

http://www.gires.org.uk/dohpublications.php

http://www.gires.org.uk

http://www.wpath.org/publications_standards.cfm

http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/Medpro-A ... it2010.pdf

http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Asse ... scents.pdf

http://www.gires.org.uk/mglossary.php

http://gendercare.co.uk/fees.html

http://www.transhealth.co.uk/gender/gender_clinic.html

This blog is in progress and ment for reading only....

I'm glad things are looking up for you Ryan. Hopefully the hunt for a job goes well.

So today was counselor day. We talked as usual and spoke about how I felt and it didn't seem to full on this week. At least I'm sleeping now through the night and feel more relaxed. The news from the Gender Identity clinic is that the request that my doctor made to them for medication has been rejected...

So where does this leave me? ...

Well I could keep ticking the box's for the criteria that they must have in place or I could give up on the NHS helping at all.

So we spoke about this and my counselor said that he would write to the PCT and ask them if I could have just one referral (one meeting) with the GIC. No request for anything other than a chat about my condition. So if its funding that's the problem then if they still refuse I can get a feel that its something else.

It seems that the criteria:

Name change / Living in the role ect are not as strictly balanced as they would like you to believe. Saying that I'm not sure that even if I did tick all the box's that I would get rubber stamped for funding..... It's the thinking that seems to be wrong and the system just reinforces an old doctrine that only works for some.

So I wear make up and female clothes24/7 (have done for some years now) and plan to go to work in this new role once I get a new job. I'm even thinking of changing my name but.... then I get a nagging sense that they know that this isnt the way to do things and they know it....

I think by sticking with it by expressing my individuality I may actually change ideas and procedures that are so fixed in place with the PCT and NHS.

For example .. now I have seen my counselor for about half a year.. how much has that cost???? I think that they know I have a valid case after a few sessions.. It would have been better to diagnose the condition then pass the request for hormones onto the doctor thus saving ££££.... No need for in depth therapy or GIC as in my case it isn't needed.

The evidence is stacking up that PCT's and NHS are behind the times and a new approach is needed..

I believe that yes its hard being who you are .. and you may need help but it does not help by referring to age old rules and therapy that is costly and out modded.

I watched another episode of the prisoner today. It was the episode where number 11-12 (Jamie Campbell Bower) talks to his father about someone he loves. His father disapproves. It goes something like this....

"forget him" (number 2)

"find someone your own age" (number 2)

"i could go to the other place" (number 11-12)

"well you've got this, the village" (number 2)

What it is showing in this scene is that others try and mold you into something that your not or pressure you into feeling bad because you are different.

Clicky (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAyOg6HvCb8)

They've not even referred you to the GIC for an initial assessment???

Punkypink

GIC... that's a laugh....

It seems that those in the lofty GIC towers in London wont even talk to you unless you pass all the criteria. As shown in today's post the whole of the system is flawed and old in its thinking. It props up the need for a GIC in the first place by adding all these rules and criteria. Without the criteria whats the point in having a GIC... It should be A) talk to doctor B) Talk to professional (not necessarily GIC) refer back to doctor or hospital for treatment... Simple....

No waiting.. No pain... less cost to NHS.... and its already been proven that doctors with help can prescribe if needed

arrrr.....

That's silly indeed. I'm sorry to hear the hard time you're going thru. A lot of other people would simply compromise their ideas and beliefs and do what is on the checklist simply to get a referral. I salute you for sticking to your guns.