introduction of sorts
Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:59 pm
hi, i am a 50-something married male, outwardly straight and conventional, but inside i have always had very vivid submissive fantasies, generally involving women in my younger days, but now quite often involving other males.
i have tried to understand where these fantasies came from. one incident that likely contributed was me being catheterized at the age of 14 for some tests to try to determine if there was a physical cause for my continued bed wetting. the actual insertion of the catheter was done by a male nurse but the x-ray technician, who had to handle my penis and testicles, was a young woman. what is more, my younger sisters overheard the doctor explaining the procedure to my mother and they teased me about it for years.
my early teens were spent wishing that i was a girl, or at least that i didn't have a penis, which seemed to me to be the offending part of my anatomy, as opposed to my testicles. i soon forgot that wish though and had a somewhat normal, strictly heterosexual life for the most part. I was not very active sexually though in my teens, apart from masturbation, and most of my masturbation fantasies involved me being humiliated by girls, often fantasy versions of my sisters. my earlier desire to be penisless would resurface at times and i would inflict various punishments upon it: hitting it with a ruler, packing it in ice, inserting objects into the urethra...using whatever was at hand and my imagination to inflict indignities upon it.
i finally lost my virginity in my early 20s and had a number of years of regular heterosexual relations, but still with occasional episodes of penis punishment, always at my own hand. i got married and my life was pretty much "normal".
then, i became impotent quite young, in my mid-40s. although my wife took it in stride, inside my own head this turn of events gave me another reason to dislike my penis. it was now even more deserving being subjected to indignity.
i started to frequent small penis humiliation sites on the internet and to seek dominant partners to inflict punishment on me for my inadequacy. as my impotence progressed (it is now to the point where i can rarely successfully masturbate) my desire to be humiliated increased. on one visit to my doctor, i was informed that my testicles were much smaller than average, and were barely within the "normal" range for an adult.
then one time while my wife was away on vacation i met a man online. he took the time to talk to me and he started to tell me things to do everyday. he would tell me not to wear underwear some days, for example, or to tie a ribbon around my penis and to keep it there all day. he told me buy various sizes of steel rings and each day he would instruct me which ones to put on my penis or around my testicles. he told me that the penis and testicles between my legs were his property and that he could do whatever he wanted with them. i would go on cam and prove to him my acceptance of his ownership of the penis and testicles. my wife came home after 2 weeks and i had to restrict my activities with him but he still emailed me everyday with instructions of what to do to "the penis". i was entirely under his control, or so it seemed.
a month later my wife went away for another 2 weeks. the man, who i shall call Mr. Brown, started telling me that he had decided to "harvest" his penis, meaning of course the penis between my legs. when i asked him what he meant by "harvest" he said that it was time for him to "pluck his little lily" from my body, and to add it to his collection. he said that he had harvested several penises already and that i should not worry about there being any problems with the procedure, that he had all the necessary skills to perform the operation safely. over the next several days he started pressuring me to meet him in real life. i was terrified though and started avoiding our online meetings, telling him that i was swamped at work.
i will have to continue this later. i hope that i am not boring anyone reading this.
i have tried to understand where these fantasies came from. one incident that likely contributed was me being catheterized at the age of 14 for some tests to try to determine if there was a physical cause for my continued bed wetting. the actual insertion of the catheter was done by a male nurse but the x-ray technician, who had to handle my penis and testicles, was a young woman. what is more, my younger sisters overheard the doctor explaining the procedure to my mother and they teased me about it for years.
my early teens were spent wishing that i was a girl, or at least that i didn't have a penis, which seemed to me to be the offending part of my anatomy, as opposed to my testicles. i soon forgot that wish though and had a somewhat normal, strictly heterosexual life for the most part. I was not very active sexually though in my teens, apart from masturbation, and most of my masturbation fantasies involved me being humiliated by girls, often fantasy versions of my sisters. my earlier desire to be penisless would resurface at times and i would inflict various punishments upon it: hitting it with a ruler, packing it in ice, inserting objects into the urethra...using whatever was at hand and my imagination to inflict indignities upon it.
i finally lost my virginity in my early 20s and had a number of years of regular heterosexual relations, but still with occasional episodes of penis punishment, always at my own hand. i got married and my life was pretty much "normal".
then, i became impotent quite young, in my mid-40s. although my wife took it in stride, inside my own head this turn of events gave me another reason to dislike my penis. it was now even more deserving being subjected to indignity.
i started to frequent small penis humiliation sites on the internet and to seek dominant partners to inflict punishment on me for my inadequacy. as my impotence progressed (it is now to the point where i can rarely successfully masturbate) my desire to be humiliated increased. on one visit to my doctor, i was informed that my testicles were much smaller than average, and were barely within the "normal" range for an adult.
then one time while my wife was away on vacation i met a man online. he took the time to talk to me and he started to tell me things to do everyday. he would tell me not to wear underwear some days, for example, or to tie a ribbon around my penis and to keep it there all day. he told me buy various sizes of steel rings and each day he would instruct me which ones to put on my penis or around my testicles. he told me that the penis and testicles between my legs were his property and that he could do whatever he wanted with them. i would go on cam and prove to him my acceptance of his ownership of the penis and testicles. my wife came home after 2 weeks and i had to restrict my activities with him but he still emailed me everyday with instructions of what to do to "the penis". i was entirely under his control, or so it seemed.
a month later my wife went away for another 2 weeks. the man, who i shall call Mr. Brown, started telling me that he had decided to "harvest" his penis, meaning of course the penis between my legs. when i asked him what he meant by "harvest" he said that it was time for him to "pluck his little lily" from my body, and to add it to his collection. he said that he had harvested several penises already and that i should not worry about there being any problems with the procedure, that he had all the necessary skills to perform the operation safely. over the next several days he started pressuring me to meet him in real life. i was terrified though and started avoiding our online meetings, telling him that i was swamped at work.
i will have to continue this later. i hope that i am not boring anyone reading this.