I've just told my wife about my being tg and she has freaked out, I know I wasn't expecting her to welcome it with open arms but I wasn't expecting that as she's normally a very compassionate person. I also told my 2 closest friends, a married couple, who weren't judgemental and said they would be there for me whatever I do. It's taken 35 plus years of inner turmoil to finally admit this and I can't be fully happy till I go through a complete change. I know it's going to be a hard struggle. The main problem now is my wife has said she will leave as she doesn't want to be with a woman as she married a man. Any advice would be very welcome. And yes I have started the process of seeking medical help

Welcome tigertim.

I don't personally have much advice to give you, but it sounds as though you're on the right path. I know others will have more constructive things to say, I just wanted to let you know I'm rooting for you.

Deciding the path to take your life is very difficult. It is something most of us here struggle with daily. Coming out to those closest to us is the hardest part. Their idea of us can be very different from what we think of ourselves. It can be shocking and painful. Hopefully love will win out, over all.

I wish you all the best in your journey. Please come back and tell us more.

I think the most important thing is to understand that it is your wife's right to leave you. You have decided to drastically change your presentation to the world, and it would mean she would have to to and it is not fair to assume that she should or can handle that. I know there are lots of people (including here) that will go "but you're supposed to love people for what they are inside", but practically most of the world doesn't work that way. I would give the same answer to someone who wanted to move to an exotic place and their wife didn't want to follow, or to someone who wanted more kids and the wife didn't, or to someone who wanted to join a new religion and his wife didn't: you're not going to be the same person in the eyes of others after this, and so the people who "know" you are going to either change or not.

Anyway, the next thing I'd say is who cares if your wife wants to share your journey? If you've had a good marriage so far, then just be thankful for that and move on. If your marriage was already stale or rocky, then this is a good opportunity to start fresh.

I would say that dragging a reluctant wife along is way worse than having no one along. While you're going through all your transition successes, the looks and crying from your wife will hinder you from celebrating them. You need to be free to prance around the house in women's clothes, need to spend time looking in the mirror learning to wear makeup, etc. That is probably best to be a private experience.

Please don't blame others who don't handle it well. But also don't care if that means some people distance themselves. Just move on on your own, celebrate your successes without hindrance, and reform your life and network of friends.

Good advice SplitDik!

I realize that I'm probably going to get reamed for this but: What did you honestly expect? Did you honestly expect her to say, "Ok that's fine. I'll just suddenly turn into a lesbian and we'll live happily ever after?" No!! Your friends can be unconditionally supportive because they can do it from a distance. Your wife doesn't have that luxury. This type of decision doesn't just effect you, it directly effects her and you've just ripped her entire world apart. She can't say, "I love you for who you really are" because if this was her 1st indication that you wanted something this drastic, then she doesn't really know you! In a sense you've been lying to her throughout your entire marriage and she has every right to feel angry, confused, hurt and betrayed. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go through with your plans, because I think you have to do whatever it takes to be mentally and emotionally healthy... but cut her some slack! She has every right to "freak out"!

In my opinion there is no good time to tell anyone who is intimate with you that you are gender different.

The reality is that we are attracted to other people by their gender. Just as some people (usually men) are attracted to hairless bodied women with breasts and a vagina, some other people (usually women) are attracted to hairy bodied men with a penis and testicles. They are as helpless about what excites them as we are about what excites us.

In my life experience, since my early 20's I have not been with a partner that didn't know about my gender issues well in advance of any relationship and it never seemed to do me any good to have them know in advance. Consider yourself lucky if she doesn't try to hurt you over it.

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Charlotte (imported) wrote: Mon Oct 24, 2011 3:30 pm Just as some people (usually men) are attracted to hairless bodied women with breasts and a vagina, some other people (usually women) are attracted to hairy bodied men with a penis and testicles...

Please tell me why you think that women like the "hairless" muscular look, then. You know, the 'look' like the Movie Stars and the Pinups in Cosmo have.

I have NO DOUBT that women enjoy penises and balls, but they get tired of 'servicing' them daily or more, if a guy can get his way.

I think it is more of a matter of comfort and appearances. Nobody wants to face society's expectations of them while off balance.

A-1 (imported) wrote: Mon Oct 24, 2011 4:56 pm Please tell me why you think that women like the "hairless" muscular look, then. You know, the 'look' like the Movie Stars and the Pinups in Cosmo have.

I have NO DOUBT that women enjoy penises and balls, but they get tired of 'servicing' them daily or more, if a guy can get his way.

I think it is more of a matter of comfort and appearances. Nobody wants to face society's expectations of them while off balance.

I think he was just giving examples that people do have preferences in what they are attracted to, and if you change drastically then you can't expect them to necessarily be okay with it. He wasn't saying that all women like hairy men, he was just saying that some do. And I don't think he was focusing on the hair, but just used that as an indicator of masculinity. If a woman likes masculine looking men (muscles, dominant, maybe hairy, maybe facial hair, maybe bald, etc.) and her "man" wants to become a woman, that is a problem.

I have to say that if your wife is straight, then I guess her leaving you is in a way, an acceptance of your gender. Her leaving you doesn't have to be on bad terms, and I hope that you can at least remain friends, but that DOES mean you have to be able to accept her being straight and thus unable to continue being with you, and let go.

Meanwhile, if you're lesbian.... well good luck. From personal experience, lesbians tend to be rather bigoted against trans people.

She's now blocked it out so at least it's peaceful in the house. If I need to chat I have my friends which is very helpful. I knew she'd take it hard. I suppose only time will tell. It was worth coming out as I have now started to accept myself and feel a lot happier inside