Background

Saturday night and a bunch of weirdness was going on in my otherwise awesome life. It had been well over a year since I’d last considered castration, which I had mostly been controlling by taking a Selective Estrogen Re-Uptake Moderator (SERM) called Ralista. A SERM basically acts likes estrogen in some tissues (like bones for bone density) while blocking estrogen in others (like breasts). Somehow, this greatly affects my desire for castration, primarily by making my horniness more bearable -- it has a different quality and isn’t a frustrating/anxious feeling. Anyway, since it had been more than a year and I had been managing well, about a week before I decided to try going off Ralista since I had hoped I was “cured”. Unfortunately, the old sexual frustration set in fairly soon after and was now at its peak. The second factor was that my wife, who is extremely sexual and usually likes sex at least once per day, had been preoccupied because my daughter had a cold and was running a high temperature and so was sleeping in our bed while I was on the couch -- so my sexual frustration was running high after a couple days without sex. Thirdly, I’d gone out for dinner with an old friend and made the mistake of drinking a lot of coffee late at night and so I couldn’t sleep. This ended up in my classic “bad” situation -- horny, frustrated and unstructured time late at night.

I had three vials of depo-provera around since I had experimented with it in the past, and kept it as sort of a safety in case my sex urges became unmanageable. So about 3am in the morning, after restlessly browsing porn for hours, my sexual agitation reached a peak and my sleep-deprived brain decided I needed the depo. So I went to the downstairs bathroom and injected all three vials -- probably not necessary and even stupid, but I’m prone to “more is better” attitude and also many people do recommend that the first dose be at least a double dose. Anyway, so I injected 450mL.

Of course I immediately regretted it. I’m currently doing some serious body-building and martial arts, so anything that interferes with my aggression, muscle-building, or energy levels would be a problem. Also, I am on the final stage of a very successful weight loss. Lastly, my wife would be very disappointed with any erectile difficulty. Anyway, with the depo- I would be facing a full year (due to the 3x dose taken) of negative effect.

I woke my wife up and told her what I did. She’s put up with my weirdness and occasional castration attempts for over 20 years, so she only freaked a little bit. I talked about whether I should go to the hospital, since the way the injection works is that it creates a bit of a reservoir and so theoretically a fair bit of it could be extracted back out. However, I am nervous about the insurance (I have to pay 10% which can still add up) and also didn’t want to get into some psych category if they perceived this as self-harm. Besides the obvious annoyance of going through the psych hoops, it can cause a lot of trouble later in life as many jobs applications, insurance applications, and immigration applications can ask you about past self-harm. Furthermore, I knew that it wasn’t really a medical emergency and would be more of an annoyance for several months. So decided against going to the hospital.

However, I still didn’t want to lose ground on my physique and energy levels, so decided to do some pharmaceutical “defense”. First of all, I started taking the Ralista again. This really will be an interesting experiment as Ralista is known to block estrogen, but not progesterones, so basically my idea is that theoretically it will block the negative effects of the Depo as you pretty much can’t retain water, get boobs, etc while on Ralista. Furthermore, I have access to testosterone cream and so will do HRT while still on the effects of depo-provera. The operating theory is that the Depo will prevent my body from making testosterone, but I can keep my test levels anyways.

So, this is the blog of my experiences with this experiment -- working off a triple dose of Depo by blocking estrogenic effects and taking testosterone.

I found this which proves my regimen (i.e. using testosterone to counteract the effects) might has some merit http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/722423_7

“Progestins have been used in multiple small studies of men for suppression of spermatogenesis and testosterone production. Progestins used alone result in significant side effects such as loss of libido and erectile dysfunction. The mechanism of action of progestins is thought to be either negative feedback on the pituitary–gonadal axis, inhibition of LH receptor expression or direct effects on sperm.[56,57] Progestins alone cannot suppress spermatogenesis in dosages tolerable for administration and without significant side effects. However, by combining lower doses of progestins with testosterone supplementation to restore exogenous testosterone, safety and efficacy may be improved and side effects lessened.”

Day 1, Sunday:

The morning after I felt really good, despite having only got three hours sleep. I mean I felt REALLY good. I woke with en extremely hard erection.

My whole body felt pleasant, the world seems cheery, etc. I was a bit sheepish with my wife about it all, but like the great wife she is she just said “wanna go to the gym?” Which we did. I was able to perform fairly well, and didn’t notice any obvious changes in energy levels. Of course this was only about 8 hours since the injection, so I wasn’t expecting much yet anyway due to the slow-acting nature.

Played tennis with my kids and some kids from the neighborhood. Got a good workout, and seemed to have energy.

That evening my daughter was no longer sick so I moved back into my bed, and my wife and I had great sex. I didn’t really have any trouble getting erect, and things went great. The one thing though was that my orgasm felt REALLY different, much more intense (almost painful) than usual. Possibly just psychosomatic, but I think there was something going on there.

I was able to get to sleep at a reasonable hour (10pm) and slept in a bit.

Day 2, Monday:

Woke up and felt quite good, although slightly tough to get going (this might be normal though, as we have garbage pickup really early and so my sleep had been seriously disrupted in those critical last hours of sleep). My family and I headed off to the gym and I was able to put in a good workout.

Again, I felt REALLY good. I mean the world just seemed beautiful. I wonder if this is related to the pregnancy “glow” that women get when their bodies are under the influence of major progestins. In particular, I noticed is that I don’t have any aches and pains -- I’m usually in good health but am quite active so most of the time have some stiff muscle, some twinge, some blister, etc. causing some discomfort. Progestins are supposed to have a mild anesthetic effect and I wonder if I’m experiencing this.

One difference I noticed was in how I perceived my body. Normally I perceive in what is probably a fairly typical manner for a guy -- I am aware of my chest, arms and back (i.e. upper body. What I mean is that when I stand or walk I can sort of feel them, they feel puffed out, and are a part of my male posture. What changed though is I was totally aware of my butt and legs instead. It was sufficiently different to surprise me. I’ve never really been aware of my butt before. Do women feel that way?

I’ve been checking carefully for nipple sensitivity or puffiness, but no change. My body hasn’t started retaining any significant water. I have not had any hot flashes or excessive sweats.

Overall things are good so far. I’m feeling confident this defensive plan might work. I’m taking 10mg Ralista twice daily and using 10mL of 5% Testosterone cream (Androforte brand which has extra absorption due to being applied to scrotum).

Had good sex with the wife, no problem achieving erection, had sufficient stamina to bring wife to orgasm first and had intense orgasm myself.

Had some trouble falling asleep -- didn’t sleep until after midnight.

Day 3, Tuesday:

Woke up with rock-hard erection. I felt fairly tired and had stiff neck, but probably that was due to having to get to work earlier than usual. Otherwise felt good.

I think that my stomach looks slightly softer, but hard to tell. I can still generally see my ab muscles.

Good day overall. Felt happy.

Had some trouble falling asleep again. Not sure but maybe related to the depo, but lots of things on my wife and my mind as we’re in the middle of moving houses, so maybe it was just thinking about that.

Didn’t have sex, it was a really hot night and didn’t feel like getting sweatier.

Day 4, Wednesday

SplitDik (imported) wrote: Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:27 pm Woke up with rock-hard erection.

Feel good bodywise. Feel happy.

Had decent day. Felt a little distracted, but mostly happy and energetic.

Went to martial arts class and did well. Lots of strength, aggression and energy. totally enjoyed a grueling workout.

Had great sex with the wife. She suggested 69 for the first time in a while, nice! I think in some way she's testing me to ensure that I haven't actually castrated myself.

Day 5, Thursday

Woke up with good erection. Feel really good and happy.

Decided I should get blood tests to see what my hormone levels are doing. So they drew blood to test for free testosterone, estriadol, progesterone, and cholestorol. Should get results in a few days.

Noticed my skin seems a lot more oily. My body composition overall seems normal, fine. Still lean. Strength is still good. No nipple/breast effects.

Still having a bit of trouble getting to sleep early. No sex tonight, just happened to be a bit busy.

Day 6, Friday

Woke up with strong erection. Penis seems large and overall potent. Got up early, but wasn’t too hard to get up after a coffee. Feel really good.

Went to the gym to start a new series of strength training program. Did quite well, and was able to push hard.

Had great sex in the evening, wife went straight to oral and then we tried all the various positions we could think of.

Day 7, Saturday

Woke up with strong erection. Wife noticed and started fondling me, then we had great sex. Still not having any trouble getting it up or orgasming. In fact I think I’m orgasming too soon, normally I can last longer.

We went for a 3-hour hike. I felt good and had plenty of energy. Even raced my kids to the top of a steep hill.

No sex in the evening.

Say 8, Sunday

Woke up with strong erection and quite horny. But we slept in, so didn’t do anything. When coming out of the shower my wife noticed I was semi-hard and gave me a blowjob.

Went to the gym with my wife. Did really hard 40 minutes of sprinting cardio, then did heavy weight training of arms and abs. Doing a new Max-OT strength program and it felt good.

My body is looking pretty good. Possibly a bit softer, but can see all my ribs and general shape of abs, so doing okay.

Went downtown and had fun walking around. My spirits are really high, and didn’t feel tired.

Played tennis with the family for a long time. I played the whole time as they took turns, and even teamed up, on me. Great workout, and felt great, didn't even get slightly winded.

I was ready for bed, but my wife was really horny, initiated oral and went on to some great sex.