Hi. So, I've recently started to think that chemical castration is right for me. But I wonder if I've got all my facts straight?

Here's my deal.

I'm 31 years old. Approximately 100% of my life, I have had unrequited love for some close female friend or another. I am sick of it. I used to get my friends very frustrated by begging them to marry me all the dang time. Fortunately, I haven't actually lost any friends over this.

I think, though, that my problem is that I don't start telling people I'm attracted to them until I know they're not interested. I do this because I'm worried that they will consider me a threat if I hit on them without giving them an escape route. It is common for me, when discussing a new crush with a male friend, to have a conversation where my friend says "Why don't you ask her out?" and I'll respond, jokingly, with "Well, I don't want to go to prison! Or hell!" Sure, I'm joking. But there is definitely a part of me that feels like I am raping a girl if I have sexual or romantic feelings for her.

Also, I hate being a male. I feel responsible for so many problems: patriarchy, rape, sexism, war.

In college, when I discovered the idea of transgender, I got really excited because I thought it'd be good to be rid of my hated gender. But I thought about it some more and I realized that being a woman wasn't what I wanted either. I would always feel like a fake. Transgendered people, so I'm told, usually find that they've always thought of themselves as the other gender. That's not how I feel. I just don't feel comfortable being male.

I want love. I want marriage. But I will never find these things. Aside from my own misgivings about dating, it is clear by now that I have zero sex appeal. Women love me! They love being nice, platonic friends with me. I've tried to get people to explain to me what makes me unattractive, but nobody can explain it. They just say that you can't dissect the mysteries of the heart.

Oh, and did I mention that I have a rather large amount of depression? I've been on antidepressants and in therapy, once a week for four years, and then twice a week for this past year. Still, about once a year, I find myself driving to some store that I think will sell me the things I need to end my life. The thing that usually saves my life in those situations is that when I'm that depressed, I'm too incompetent to get out of bed that day until the stores are closed, or I'm too incompetent to remember the way to the store.

Well, of course, I've been getting better at managing my depression over these past years. Now, just about the only times I feel it strongly are when I think about love and romance. Any thought of these topics is like tapping a fresh oil well of depression.

Now, I *could* spend the rest of my life working really hard to manage my feelings about my gender and about love and romance. If I work hard on it for years, I might be able to give the appearance that I have it mostly under control. But I think about my transgendered friends. They work hard for years to manage their feelings about their gender. They hate themselves and their gender. If they work very hard at it their whole lives, they might be able to almost keep it under control. But they have another way. For them, that hard work is pointless. There is a medical solution. They can change gender. Now, changing gender is hard work too. But for these people, it is hard work that they can take on with gusto. It is the work that they want to do. But most importantly, it is meaningful. It is not the pointless struggle to pretend to be a gender you aren't. I've seen this be that path to happiness for these people.

I want a path to happiness, too. I want a real solution to my problems, because right now, I'm just looking forward to a life of barely making it by. If I work very hard, I can keep on surviving. But it will always be uphill. I will never be coasting. I will never relax.

Could chemical castration help me? Could it help me to stop feeling like I'm a rapist and a criminal? Could it allow me to appreciate the beautiful gift of friendship that my wonderful female friends offer me, instead of being disappointed that they don't offer more?

I want to feel the way about my lady friends that I do about my guy friends. Can chemical castration do this for me?

I don't want to feel like there is something I want very deeply but can never have. Can chemical castration do this for me?

I want to stop hating the gender that I am. Can chemical castration do this for me?

Now, I'm a guy that plays things very cautiously. Is there a way to try this out without doing permanent damage? From what I've been reading, it seems like the answer is "sorta". I can try testosterone blockers, and can theoretically stop taking them, but there may be some amount of permanent change.

The thing I'm most worried about is the depression that I'm told accompanies this. I've already got all sorts of experience with depression. Does that mean I'm more at risk and shouldn't try this? Or does that mean that I've got all kinds of skills for dealing with depression and I'll be able to get through it? I imagine, though, that most people who come to chemical castration have at least some familiarity with depression. Overall, is this something that's going to make me feel better or worse? It seems like the worst effects of the depression would be at first, during some sort of a "withdrawal" phase. Is that true?

The thing I'm a little worried about is my physical health. Once castrated, I understand that I'll have to be exercising all the time in order to remain in decent physical health, is that true? I hate exercising.

Here's the timeline I'm looking at right now:

* Discuss this with my therapist for the next 4 months.

* Lurk and occasionally post on this forum during this time.

* Decide this isn't right for me and that I was silly to think this would help me.

* 8 months later, start to get curious about this again. Log on to the forum under a different name because I lost my original password.

* Discuss this with my therapist for another six months.

* Get a referral from my therapist to another therapist.

* See both therapists for six months. Continue with the original one for twice a week and the new one once a week.

* Get a doctor's help in procuring testosterone blockers.

* See my original therapist and have regular appointments with the doctor for the next year.

* See if I feel any better.

Is that a good plan?

Thanks.

--AppleCorps.

I, like you, tend to analyse the crap out of everything. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a good thing. Especially when it comes to something as life-altering as castration.

I also, have been waging a battle with depression. I know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed, not be able to care to get anything accomplished. While it's not a good feeling, I'm glad it has helped keep you from taking any drastic measures and harming yourself. At the time of my diagnosis (around 1997 or 1998 and until the beginning of 2010) I managed with medication and did everything I could to avoid therapy, which was (in hind-sight) not a bright move. You are definitely on the right track by working with a therapist with regard to depression.

I still have everything G-d gave me and am not on any Testosterone blocker, but did have my level checked and found it at the low end of what the medical profession calls "normal". I'm assuming my hormone level is reduced because of the natural aging process. But, the question at hand for me is whether the low hormone level is a contributing factor to my depression or if it is the other way around. The problem is that I never had my level checked when I was younger to know where it was at its peak. The reason I bring this up is that many men experience depression after castration because of the lack of Testosterone. So it is logical to think that lack of Testosterone could exacerbate depression. Something to discuss with your therapist.

I'm curious why two therapists? Does the first have an issue with castration (chemical or otherwise) as a possibility?

I would be very cautious on taking any steps toward castration if you have depression now. I had the loss of function in both my testes and a T level of only 32 and even though I am on TRT, am struggling to try to get back to what I was before my loss. Depression, loss of strength, loss of memory, loss of libido, hot flashes, bereast enlargement, lack of ambition and bone loss are some of the side effects you probably will experience if you attempt castration even chemically. I don't know if you have orgasms now through any means but that is something I really have to work at to achieve. If you think you are undesireable now, you will most likely feel worse. You are not responsible for any bad thing other males do but are only responsible for your own actions. You are plenty young to be able to form a meaningful relationship in your future and who knows. maybe the right person will come along to make you appreciate all of the good aspects of your self. I am a firm advocate of "If it ain't broke don't try to fix it". Everyone is different in their own ways and all people have a purpose for being here. Your job is to find where and what that is.

Oh my, you are listing many of my problems--do you have microphones in my home?

applecorps (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 11, 2011 9:49 pm I want to stop hating the gender that I am. Can chemical castration do this for me?

For me, I stopped hating myself for being male but that came from eventually accepting the things I can and cannot change about myself. I've eventually found that simply being a pretty fem-boy works best for my well being. This came from years of introspection--not drugs.

applecorps (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 11, 2011 9:49 pm I want to feel the way about my lady friends that I do about my guy friends. Can chemical castration do this for me?

This is a Your-Mileage-May-Vary question. I pretty much used to have a crush on any girl who would talk to me for more than 10 minutes but now not so much. Lucky for you you havent lost friends over that but I have. I still find women very beautiful and I am still nicer to them than males but now I am more worried if they will go shopping with me than if they will sex me. I've read very different experiences in various places on this board however.

applecorps (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 11, 2011 9:49 pm Oh, and did I mention that I have a rather large amount of depression?

If you are suicidal from time to time then getting that sorted out first should be a priority. Depression is a common side-affect. While mine has largely gone away since I went on my journey I still feel down from time to time and I know it could come back. Its good you are seeing a therapist.

What if I went a different route? What if I found an antidepressant that had a side effect of being deleterious to libido? Maybe that would be a good alternative to chemical castration, in that it would free me of the bad feelings that accompany lustful thoughts without also causing a bunch of depression.

I worry, though, that it wouldn't actually remove my lustful thoughts. I'd be worried that I'd still have them, but I wouldn't be able to get an erection or masturbate, which is currently a fairly effective way to reduce lustful thoughts. It's just that it's going through the eye of the storm.

But I'm looking for something that changes my feelings. I want to not reflexively turn my head when a pretty girl is walking down the street. I want to have close, intimate friendships with ladyfriends and not want to marry them.

Is there any chemical solution? Surgical?

applecorps (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 19, 2011 8:55 pm What if I went a different route? What if I found an antidepressant that had a side effect of being deleterious to libido? Maybe that would be a good alternative to chemical castration, in that it would free me of the bad feelings that accompany lustful thoughts without also causing a bunch of depression.

I worry, though, that it wouldn't actually remove my lustful thoughts. I'd be worried that I'd still have them, but I wouldn't be able to get an erection or masturbate, which is currently a fairly effective way to reduce lustful thoughts. It's just that it's going through the eye of the storm.

But I'm looking for something that changes my feelings. I want to not reflexively turn my head when a pretty girl is walking down the street. I want to have close, intimate friendships with ladyfriends and not want to marry them.

Is there any chemical solution? Surgical?

I found Paxil (the regular, not the extended release) had that effect on me. It started slowly, then after about two weeks, I couldn't get hard to save my life. I was in my mid-twenties at the time. Also, Lexapro may have had an effect on my T level and in relation my energy level. With the lower T level my interest in sex lowered and consequently my thoughts of sex.

Everyone's body reacts differently, but just figured I'd put that info out there.