Long time lurker, new poster ^_^ I'm a 24 year old MtF that identifies as an androgyne-lady... lady-androgyne... you get the idea. I forget how long ago I discovered the archive -- it was when I was first coming to terms with the fact that I was trans and that I needed to transition, so about ten years ago. Even before then I was enamored with the idea of getting a sex change -- it just sounded so interesting and cool and right. I initially tested the waters with my psychiatrist and parents when I was fourteen, but they pretty much said no. At the time, I wasn't terribly horrified of my body so I thought nothing of it. I was also intensely shy and tended to act out my wishes online.

A few years ago I realized I was completely unhappy with how things turned out. I got back into therapy with a psychiatrist at my school who is a total asshole and threw me on the floor the first time I met him for my unconventional views. Then I found an asshole therapist who wanted me to do two months of full time before he'd give me HRT. This combined with romantic rejection let me to try to castrate myself the first time. I got my left testicle severed, bled a lot and spent a month under the thumb of said asshole psychiatrist. Then asshole therapist made me go to an outpatient program that didn't really help. I again tried to castrate myself a few months later but only got into the inside of the scrotum, went to the university hospital and managed not to get sent to the happy hotel. I did, however, meet my awesome current therapist who was covering for asshole psychiatrist. Asshole therapist ended our relationship due to this attempt. I tried it *again* a few weeks later, but had my father patch me up (he's an ER physician). Luckily I wasn't led to the "penthouse suite" (the psych floor is at the top of the hospital building) this time either. A month after that asshole psychiatrist puts me there for no good reason. My therapist managed to set up an appointment with Chicago's awesome world famous queer clinic, Howard Brown, to see about getting HRT.

Thank God for Howard Brown. They assist with HRT using informed consent -- they make sure you know what you're getting into, you show that you understand and consent and then they give you HRT ^_^ That saved my life. I am several dozen gross myriad orders of magnitude happier with myself now than ever before. Unfortunately, I have come to realize that SRS is something I need to get, and I regret injuring myself in such a manner that makes it more difficult. I hope to help others in my situation avoid the mistakes I made. At any rate, it is a pleasure to meet you all!

PS Could an admin change my handle to naniteswarm? Many thanks!