Hi there all and I am sorry for this message.

I have been a member of the eunuch archive for a little while and prior to that the burdizzo castration forum.

I am a 31 bisexual and am transgendered, as I grew up I always knew I was different and the older I have got the more difficult to carry on in a male existence I have found it.

I started to allow my female side to come out as I could no longer live a lie, it got to the point where I could not even fall asleep with myself, I would pace up and down my hall way and get myself all worked up I carnt just feel like everything is fine when its not and fall asleep, my male parts a constant reminder of this.

I started to wear a bra and knickers and for abit that was ok all I needed was to let that side out, then quickly after it was not enough and I started to shave my entire body minus the hair on my scalp obviously...anyway for 2 years that was enough, I then started to take female hormones and androgen blockers and much happier now than have ever been. The thing is its just not enough again and I am seriously considering castrating myself. I have been banding for a few years now and love the numbness it creates but that doesnt last and in a few hours I find Im back to normal yes I know the dangers of banding but too be honest I know it sounds stupid but I dont care.

I then bought a burdizzo and numbed my sack and clamped down twice this failed so I tried again when the area healed.

The next time also failed and I bought a better larger burdizzo from the Internet this time also failed although left me with a big scar.

I am very desperate to be castrated and I fear that I may sooner or later go down a darker path ie banding and cutting, now please dont message to say how dangerous this is, I am a sensible girl and now this unfortunately the want is stronger than I can control.

I would try the burdizzo again but I fear that any more damage to my scrotum may hinder any future surgery.

I have spoken to many psychologists and have been with ones that have no clue what transgender is and cannot help.

I am so sick of explaining myself to other people I am me and have had to come to terms with it to run over it, over and over again is more painfull than doing nothing. I carnt explain why I am the way I am, I just am and cannot get others to understand this.

I feel so alone and although I have talked to others it doesnt seem to help.

I know that very soon I will be in a position where what I am doing isnt enough and I know I will do something I will regret, not kill myself but definitely cut of my testicles I just carnt live like this any longer.

I am so sorry if this message offends but I need to at least try to talk with others here, I understand there is a transsexual section but I feel this is at the moment more to do with castration. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I would welcome any help that members here can offer me.

Maybe you should talk the others who have done a DIY band and slice. You know the dangers, so maybe talking with those who have actually done this such as "ghostautumn" , I eunuch and others.. will give you a clearer picture of what this choice really means. You should also note that this action would make full SRS more difficult, since there would be no scrotum to work with...Best of luck I have fought the urge to band and slice for years..

given your degree of body dysmorphia and how you feel right now, I suggest you seek some professional treatment promptly. I'd like to also point out however, that dysmorphia is not a result of being transgendered, beware of experts who might confuse the two as being co-dependent.

darthbra (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 13, 2010 2:21 am I have spoken to many psychologists and have been with ones that have no clue what transgender is and cannot help.

I am so sick of explaining myself to other people I am me and have had to come to terms with it to run over it, over and over again is more painfull than doing nothing. I carnt explain why I am the way I am, I just am and cannot get others to understand this.

I feel so alone and although I have talked to others it doesnt seem to help.

I know that very soon I will be in a position where what I am doing isnt enough and I know I will do something I will regret, not kill myself but definitely cut of my testicles I just carnt live like this any longer.

Where in the (UK?) are you located? Maybe someone here can point you to a psychologist who does understand. In any case, don't proceed on this path alone, there are people who can help, even if they are hard to find.

Dear Darthbra,

From experience I know that the "need" the "compulsion" to be castrated only grows stronger over time. You must take action now, if you don't, you may do something you regret. I suggest you begin by seeing a woman counselor or therapist, tell her of your thoughts and desires. Women are mostly more sensitive and compassionate. She'll most likely suggest that you see her more than once, but press her and tell her that you cannot control your impulses and that you're afraid you'll act out. This might cost you, she might feel the need to isolate you in a psych ward, but this is often the journey that we must take. Wish you the best on your journey.

Also, consider roadrunner99's frustration. He had his penis amputated over nine years ago and this is what he has to say: http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthr ... #post94180

It's also important to keep talking.

You can see that people here are sympathetic to your

frustrations, use us. Post more or go to the chatroom or

email those who seem to have useful information.

This is about as close as you can come to telling complete

strangers your desires and having them think of you as one

of them.

I sort of understand the frustration, although I vent by cutting on my genitals. I never felt the frustration of wanting to be a woman, although I do suffer from vagina envy. If you are going to castrate yourself be sure to somehow clamp or sew or something the linguinal(sp) cords as they have the testicle arteries and veins and they let out a lot of blood. And they retract up into your body and you can't get a hold of them to stop the bleeding. Hence a trip to the ER. Some guys plan on cutting off their balls and calling the ER immediately. I've gone into shock from cutting and when you are in shock even calling the ER is a major accomplishment. Put them on speed dial and maybe call the 'before' you cut.

stevenoo (imported) wrote: Sun Sep 19, 2010 2:11 pm I sort of understand the frustration, although I vent by cutting on my genitals. I never felt the frustration of wanting to be a woman, although I do suffer from vagina envy. If you are going to castrate yourself be sure to somehow clamp or sew or something the linguinal(sp) cords as they have the testicle arteries and veins and they let out a lot of blood. And they retract up into your body and you can't get a hold of them to stop the bleeding. Hence a trip to the ER. Some guys plan on cutting off their balls and calling the ER immediately. I've gone into shock from cutting and when you are in shock even calling the ER is a major accomplishment. Put them on speed dial and maybe call the 'before' you cut.

A very good reason not to do these things alone, to have someone else there who can help or summon help and, and, and to have a plan of what to do if it all goes wrong. Bleeding to death is not what you want to accomplish.

I'm not scolding or chastising you. Please don't take it that way.

I know how you feel. I was a member of the burdizzo castration group as well and tried the burdizzo on my left testicle but it failed as well. I get real bad urges if I am on hormone replacement. If you try this find a friend who can call for help if things go bad. Do the research and know you will have to tie the cords off or you will bleed to death. Find help like the others said with a female shrink or just a friend you can call when things are getting out of control. I don't want to be a woman but I don't want tot be a man either but the urges to get rid of one testicles are the same. Good luck and don't give up.

stevenoo (imported) wrote: Sun Sep 19, 2010 2:11 pm I sort of understand the frustration, although I vent by cutting on my genitals. I never felt the frustration of wanting to be a woman, although I do suffer from vagina envy. If you are going to castrate yourself be sure to somehow clamp or sew or something the linguinal(sp) cords as they have the testicle arteries and veins and they let out a lot of blood. And they retract up into your body and you can't get a hold of them to stop the bleeding. Hence a trip to the ER. Some guys plan on cutting off their balls and calling the ER immediately. I've gone into shock from cutting and when you are in shock even calling the ER is a major accomplishment. Put them on speed dial and maybe call the 'before' you cut.

Umm Err... linguinal? do you mean inguinal? The inguinal arteries actually are deep in your groin and have nothing to do with your testicles. Testicular arteries come from the descending aorta (the main artery in the body). The testicular arteries have no clamp down capabilities which is why the bleeding is very hard to stop. There is no way to clamp these arteries from outside the body except at the scrotum.

The testicular cords contain both the arteries and the veins for the testicles and yes if given a chance they will retract high up into the inguinal canal. Severing these arteries without ligation is not a good idea. Unless you are trained in how to suture figure 8 ligation, (and even then) I would not try that at home. If you are going to cut off your testicles you are better off doing it in the bathroom of the ER. Not that I am suggesting that anyone do that. It would still be bad, especially if one of the cords does get loose and retract. They would rush you to emergency surgery and cut you from scrotum to the top of your pelvis to find the bleed.

Better off reading the info on this site and finding a solution that is better. Please consider chemical castration first.