• Please help me!

Posted: **Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:24 pm**

I'm a young guy, that's just come out to friends and family as bisexual. (so I'm already feeling vulnerable about that)

For a year or two now, I've had times where I've fantasised about castration or penectomy by a dominating partner, or about doing it to someone else myself, or about having a micropenis. I've been into BDSM for a while, and CBT, and those things don't bother me, but I feel these fantasies really cross the line for me.

I feel like a male, I enjoy having male parts, and I like being different to women. I just enjoy the feelings of humiliation, helplessness, or in the case of doing it to someone else, dominance. I also, however, just like being a 'normal' (whatever that means) guy, and being the 'man' in the relationship with a woman, so I don't by any means desire a completely submissive role in a relationship.

I understand that many of the guys here identify as eunuchs as a third gender, and that's not something I can relate to. I guess I'm just terrified that thinking about this any more will 'make' me that way. This isn't something I have to think about all the time to get off, just an occasional kink, but then, that's how my attraction to guys started, and now I'm fully out.

I had an operation to try and stretch my foreskin when I was a child because it was too tight, which was painful, and then when that failed, it was decided that I would probably have to have a circumcision later in life, which I did at 16. The 8 years I spent leading up to the operation made me very nervous about it, and the recovery was a rather painful and humiliating experience for me. All this pain in that area has left me feeling very sensitive about my genitals. I dislike when women kick a guy there, I feel sick when I read about women who castrate men, and I hate hearing about or seeing animals being neutered.

I guess the fantasy is just that, and it holds appeal for me because it's such a touchy subject for me...but I don't want this to be a permanent part of my sexuality or identity...I don't want to 'become' a eunuch, and I don't want to keep fantasising about this stuff, or have it as a part of sex play in a relationship. I really don't know what to do. I'm feeling a bit better typing about this, and I'm thinking that understanding how this relates to my psychological vulnerability about my genitals might help.

Anyone able to offer consolation or advice?

Posted: **Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:24 pm**

VeryScared we can not help our fantasies but we do have the ability to keep them from becoming reality. You mention being bisexual but you speak mostly of women. Many men of your age experiment with sex both due to high hormone levels and youthful experimentation. I remember being quite ready for anything at age 21. I would not let the hormones of your youth to predict who you will be in years to come.

I can imagine how awkward it was for you in your teens to have to deal with a foreskin that was a problem. Many of us are not yet comfortable with the change in our bodies. Let alone having someone trying to treat a problem that is so personal. Depending how the situation was handled it could have been traumatic.

As I know sometimes the brain will turn a fear into a fantasy. I think it is good that you understand the trigger for those desires. I think knowing what started it will keep the fantasy from going one step further.

Of course many of us here will be around to give advice. I am glad you found the site and many others will be along to give advice. As I have learned the more you share the more you receive.

Posted: **Wed Oct 28, 2009 10:36 pm**

VeryScared (imported) wrote: Wed Oct 28, 2009 8:24 pm I'm a young guy, that's just come out to friends and family as bisexual. (so I'm already feeling vulnerable about that)

For a year or two now, I've had times where I've fantasised about castration or penectomy by a dominating partner, or about doing it to someone else myself, or about having a micropenis. I've been into BDSM for a while, and CBT, and those things don't bother me, but I feel these fantasies really cross the line for me.

I feel like a male, I enjoy having male parts, and I like being different to women. I just enjoy the feelings of humiliation, helplessness, or in the case of doing it to someone else, dominance. I also, however, just like being a 'normal' (whatever that means) guy, and being the 'man' in the relationship with a woman, so I don't by any means desire a completely submissive role in a relationship.

I understand that many of the guys here identify as eunuchs as a third gender, and that's not something I can relate to. I guess I'm just terrified that thinking about this any more will 'make' me that way. This isn't something I have to think about all the time to get off, just an occasional kink, but then, that's how my attraction to guys started, and now I'm fully out.

I had an operation to try and stretch my foreskin when I was a child because it was too tight, which was painful, and then when that failed, it was decided that I would probably have to have a circumcision later in life, which I did at 16. The 8 years I spent leading up to the operation made me very nervous about it, and the recovery was a rather painful and humiliating experience for me. All this pain in that area has left me feeling very sensitive about my genitals. I dislike when women kick a guy there, I feel sick when I read about women who castrate men, and I hate hearing about or seeing animals being neutered.

I guess the fantasy is just that, and it holds appeal for me because it's such a touchy subject for me...but I don't want this to be a permanent part of my sexuality or identity...I don't want to 'become' a eunuch, and I don't want to keep fantasising about this stuff, or have it as a part of sex play in a relationship. I really don't know what to do. I'm feeling a bit better typing about this, and I'm thinking that understanding how this relates to my psychological vulnerability about my genitals might help.

Anyone able to offer consolation or advice?

VeryScared,

The most important thing to remember about fantasies is that they need not become reality. People fantasize all the time about things they never intend to happen. Robbing a bank, killing an adversary, winning the lottery, having sex with someone we are not supposed to.

While we can not prevent having a fantasy, we can avoid thinking about it and we can avoid acting out on it. But keep in mind we do not stop behaviors, we replace them. So if you do not want to fantasize about domination or submission, you need to find something else to fantasize about to replace it. Keep in mind that humans crave unique experiences. These topics most likely appeal to you for that reason and of course the excitement of losing something valuable or at some cost, such as pain.

There are no thought police and one need not have their identity decided by what they fantasize about. In all most all cases, except child pornography, one is judged not by what they think, but by one's actions. Or as a girl I used to date once said "I can't be held to anything I said during sex".

And lastly, fantasizing about bondage or castration or domination is not a mental health issue unless it causes you distress and impairs you in social function. Otherwise, it's harmless. Hope that helps.

Elizabeth

Posted: **Thu Oct 29, 2009 2:00 am**

Elizabeth (imported) wrote: Wed Oct 28, 2009 10:36 pm There are no thought police and one need not have their identity decided by what they fantasize about. In all most all cases, except child pornography, one is judged not by what they think, but by one's actions. Or as a girl I used to date once said "I can't be held to anything I said during sex".

How do I know that this isn't a part of my identity in the way that it is for a large number of members of this forum, who go all the way through with these procedures? The simple fact that I'm so horrified by it all? Would it feel so much more natural if it was actually something that had a grounding in reality for me and not something that's purely a fantasy?

Posted: **Thu Oct 29, 2009 4:13 am**

VeryScared (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 29, 2009 2:00 am How do I know that this isn't a part of my identity in the way that it is for a large number of members of this forum, who go all the way through with these procedures? The simple fact that I'm so horrified by it all? Would it feel so much more natural if it was actually something that had a grounding in reality for me and not something that's purely a fantasy?

My experience here leads me to believe that there are more members here who only fantasize about it, as a sexual turn on, than want to actually do it. Most would never want to actually give up their testicles or penis, but get tremendous pleasure from pretending they would, in fantasy.

I personally believe those who actually go through with are not the ones that are masturbating thinking about it, but those who have issues of libido, gender identity, and those seeking what is called "eunuch calm", among other reasons. Those who fantasize about it seem well aware that they would miss their parts terribly is they acted on their fantasies.

Do people become obsessed? Sure, but that need not happen if one remains aware that it's just a fantasy. That it's just for sexual pleasure. If you had a deep seated reason for being castrated, that would be another issue, but you seem well aware it's just something that turns you on.

Elizabeth

Posted: **Thu Oct 29, 2009 8:58 am**

A fellow gay friend of mine had to undergo the removal of his foreskin because it was too tight, and I was the only one on our collage campus that knew the truth. Though he did walk funny for awhile, and I suspect that others figured out he had some type of surgery between his legs. A few asked what was wrong and he said its nothing...just a small surgery...

When you allow yourself to get embarrassed you are giving other people power over you. If you take the opposite approach then you take that power back. You have nothing be ashamed of or scared of just accept it, and if other people have a problem with something about you it is theirs to deal with and not you.

Posted: **Thu Oct 29, 2009 2:44 pm**

Ugh, I tried reading a penectomy story last night...I couldn't stop shaking, and felt like vomitting. I think this really is something that I have a fear of, and that I've turned into a fantasy to cope with it. I guess I'm afraid that if I ever mentioned this to a partner, they'd get turned on by it and start to become obsessed with really doing it! That frightens the hell out of me!

I was particularly vulnerable after my circumcision. I had about 12 stitches, and by the next day, I couldn't even wear underwear because it was so painful. My penis had bloated and turned purple, and shrunk lengthwise, and there was dark red blood oozing out from all the stitches. I was absolutely terrified I was going to get an infection in it and lose it, or that the circulation was cutting off. I cried and cried, worrying about it. That has probably left a considerable mark on my psyche.

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