Hi, I'm re-introducing myself as I used to be a member here (N2theVoid) who left after experiencing severe depression after being medically castrated (I'm trans). The depression never left but I'm still alive somehow. I'm here mostly to meet others dealing with the same issues. That's for taking me back.

drugfukd (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:57 pm Hi, I'm re-introducing myself as I used to be a member here (N2theVoid) who left after experiencing severe depression after being medically castrated (I'm trans). The depression never left but I'm still alive somehow. I'm here mostly to meet others dealing with the same issues. That's for taking me back.

Gosh, how long have you been struggling with depression? I am on Paxil and it has really helped. Do you live as a woman full time now? Are you on estrogen?

drugfukd (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:57 pm Hi, I'm re-introducing myself as I used to be a member here (N2theVoid) who left after experiencing severe depression after being medically castrated (I'm trans). The depression never left but I'm still alive somehow. I'm here mostly to meet others dealing with the same issues. That's for taking me back.

Do you go to any Trans sites? There is a very supportive community at: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/ it is primarily a story site, but there is a blog area and caring people.

Best of Luck

Batman

I dropped 25 pounds on strict Atkins with Ketones and it relieved my profound sadness / depression and often made me feel speedy. I am off the diet now and my mood has not suffered. It did not relieve my agoraphobia and hair trigger nervous system. Still, I am a happier person at home after loosing 25 pounds on strict Atkins.

Also, I don't want a drink anymore. I was drinking excessively. Shooters from first arising to lights out. Just lost the desire. After 6 months I started to drink again, and am quite satisfied with only one a day. A beer or glass of wine.

Maybe those Ketones like Acetone or paint thinner washed some likewise soluble toxins out?

I am an athiest on anti-depressant meds. Don't get me started, remember my hair trigger nervous system remains.

Good Luck

Depression is no fun

<oops>

Thank you for the welcome back.

To answer you questions:

I have struggled with depression since I was very young. Mostly seasonal depression but now its pretty constant. I have atypical depression which means ssri's and mao's dont do shit for me.

Yes, I live full time as a woman. There is a link to my myspace. That is what I look like. They didn't do a bad job changing me but the reality is I'm not happy. I regret making all these physical alterations hoping they would eventually make me feel ok with myself. They didn't. And now the reality is I look like a woman, am attracted to women, am invisible to women, and thanks to castration useless to women. I was younger when I started the process. I was told by doctors, therapists, and specialists that they could not change my mind but there really good at changing the body these days. Anxiety from the whole matter let to becoming addicted to benzodiazapines and amphetamines so I was not thinking clearly through the whole "process" and really believed I was doing the best thing for me. I don't blame anyone but myself but I wish someone would have pulled me aside and asked me if I was sure I knew what I was doing. I clearly was a disturbed kid who was very encouraged to go through the process.

I don't belong to any "TG" support groups. I doubt they wanna hear about someone unhappy with the result. I've tried cautioning others but it really becomes a sick obsession where you start to think if I just have one more procedure THEN I'll be ok. It NEVER ENDS.

To answer the question about HRT:

I was on extremely high dose HRT before the procedure which is common from transsexual people before surgery. It was this high dose of pills that caused my doctors to urge me (for two years straight) to have the procedure. I was very afraid of the possible consequences and so I debated for a few years until I was tired of feeling nauseous from high dose estrogen and anti-androgen's on a daily basis. Now I would gladly take the nausea if I had the chance. But I don't and never will again.

After the surgery I was told to wait 3 weeks till my body stabilized and then went on estrodiol patches which I swap out weekly. They have not helped with the depression and the drug addiction is spiraling out of control as I try to numb myself enough just to make it through the next day and I've lost all fear of those consequences.

I am sorry that you find yourself in such a position. We all do what we think is best at the time but all of us have regrets to some degree. Have you had your T level checked? Even women need some T to feel right and you may not make enough in your adrenals to feel right. You may need to supplement a low dose and it could do wonders.

Depression is a terrible condition as it seems to extenguish the light at the end of the tunnel. It's always hard to see that something can turn out ok or that there is a future. Many here have been in that place and can offer a shoulder to cry on or helpful advice. It is a serious condition and can be deadlier han many diseases so please seek professional help if you havn't already.

The first thing I would do is to get treatment for your addiction, nothing positive is going to happen until you do, and you really cannot make the decisions you need to under the influence. I was lost in cocaine and alcohol 10 years ago and it was a nightmare. Once I got treatment I was able to feel good about myself again.

Do those closest to you know about your addictions? I think Milkman is correct that you have to deal with your addictions before you can fix the rest of your life. As far as finding a loving companion, male or female, no one wants to deal with an addict except another addict which really limits the field and leaves you with some poor choices.

It is also hard to find the person that you desire when you have such low self worth. If you need help finding resources in your area, let us know. Many of us are good at doing internet research and can help you find the assistance that you require. PM me if there is anything I can help you with. I am much frienlier than my avatar!

And PM me if you want to talk about recovery. The most important thing to remember is that addiction is treatable!! You don't have to live like this, anymore than you would go around with an untreated broken arm.