This is the first time that I put my details on this site, I discovered it by accident but it's a site that corresponds with my sexuality and my desires. I will explain.

I am 50 years old now and a confirmed and experienced masochist. I am also bisexual so I enjoy punishment and domination administered by both Masters or Mistresses. I am totally submissive, I love pain, domination, public humiliation, degradation, torture, anything goes for me that pleases him or her that controls me. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to dominate me at the moment but in the past I have had some very intense, but brief, relationships with true sadists, men and women. At my age now, I'm looking for someone who would be prepared to take me on as a permanent live-in slave, to be totally under their control for the rest of my life! But I digress, that is not the point of this dissertation.

I want to be castrated, for real, its not just a fantasy, although it probably started like that, its a desire that has grown and grown over the years until today and I am very serious about it. Before I go into into details, it will help you to understand if I explain how my sexuality developed since a very young age.

I am the middle child of three, I have two sisters, one two years younger and one two years older. We were raised by our mother alone after our father walked out when I was two years old. Mother was very strict, a firm believer in the adage "spare the rod, spoil the child" which she interpreted literally. As far back as I can remember, I was punished for the smallest of childhood misdemeanour's by severe beatings with a cane or a whip, always on the bare flesh. But one incident sticks in my mind, I will never forget it, which occurred when I was eleven years old.

It was the onset of puberty, I regularly had "wet dreams" and woke up often in the morning with my penis erect. It was on one such occasion, I was masturbating in my room, naked on the bed, when mother walked in. She was furious, she grabbed me by the ear and marched me downstairs, still naked, to the living room where my sisters were having breakfast. She told them what she had caught me doing, she instructed my older sister to hold me down, bent over the back of a chair, then she beat me with the whip, my back, buttocks and legs, calling me a filthy pervert the whole time. When she had finished, I was made to stand in the corner of the room for an hour with my hands on my head, to give me time to "think about my perverted act" as she put it. Evidently, the beating was very painful, I cried and screamed the whole time, the back of my body from my neck to my knees was covered in weal's, but another feeling disturbed me. As the pain subsided, I found the situation very exciting, naked and whipped in front of my sisters, the fact that they knew I had been masturbating, it was very humiliating and I found myself getting hard once more. That night I masturbated in my room, revelling in the pain from the beating and the humiliation. It was the very beginning of my masochism. It was another incident three years later that defined my sexuality as bisexual.

One Saturday, our uncle Mike, who had become a sort of replacement for my absent father, took us kids to the swimming pool. After the pool, we took a shower, the girls in the women's part and uncle Mike and me in the men's. He was very tall, almost twice the size of me, my head was at his stomach level. I couldn't help staring at his penis, it was huge even when soft. He must have noticed my stares, he knelt in front of me and told me to turn round so that he could soap my back. He applied the soap to my back and my shoulders, his hands came round to the front to soap my chest then descended to my buttocks, between my thighs and eventually to my immature penis. His touch was light, delicate and very soon I was erect. He turned me round to face him, caressing my member gently, I trembled with excitement. Smiling, he spoke softly, complementing me on the size of my dick, he stroked my buttocks, parting them gently, he tickled the entrance to my anus. He rinsed my body then bent his head to take my penis in his mouth. I groaned with pleasure as he sucked me expertly, I didn't last more than 30 seconds before I came in his mouth. It was the beginning of a relationship that lasted three years and during which I fell deeply in love with him. I would spend whole weekends at his house, he sodomised me for the first time the weekend after the shower blow-job. His dick erect was enormous and in spite of the fact that the first time he was very gentle, he greased me well, I screamed with pain as he shagged me. But it was a good pain – after he had finished, my anus full of his sperm, I felt a warm glow of satisfaction. Most weekends, we spent the whole time naked, making love, sometimes we were joined by friends of his and other young boys. Uncle Mike liked to watch and take photos of us boys having sex, I was proud to pose for him. Sometimes we would go to a nearby forest where Mike would take photos and videos of us boys naked and making love. Then when I was 17, Mike was arrested and put in jail for raping a ten year old boy. I was so innocent at the time that I hadn't realised that Mike was a paedophile, that in fact he was part of a paedophile ring, that in fact his "friends" were paying customers, he had been hiring us boys out to be shagged by total strangers. I was interviewed by the police but I was so in love with him that I lied, I said he had never touched me. He was sent to jail for fifteen years and I never saw him again.

I was devastated at losing him, my life was empty, I cried every night for weeks. Then six months later, I had my first sexual encounter with a girl.

Her name was Emily, she was two years younger than me and my sister's best friend. We hit it off right away and two weeks after I met her, we found ourselves alone together one Saturday afternoon. After some heavy petting, we stripped naked and began to caress each other. Innocent still, I asked her to cane me. She was totally shocked, she insulted me and got very angry. She got dressed and left me there naked, trembling, crying, I didn't know what I had done wrong. She told my sister and all her friends about the incident and the next week, whenever I met one them, they called me names in the street, "wierdo", "pervert", "sicko" and others. They told all the boys at school as well and several times the guys ambushed me on the way home from school and beat me up. But strangely, the insults, the beatings and the humiliation turned me on and after each incident, I masturbated.

I began to seek out sadists, I discovered the universe of S and M contact magazines and began to meet older, more experienced men and women who liked to administer pain. Unfortunately, most of my contacts turned out to be professionals, I had to pay for their treatment, Their hearts weren't in it, it was purely commercial. Then, at the age of 28, I met my first real sadist.

But I don't have enough space here to continue so I will have to tell the rest in my next post.

To continue with my explanation, as I said, I was 28 when I met my first real sadist.

Her Name was Mistress Connie, I replied to her ad in a contact magazine, outlining in my letter the sort of treatment I wanted to suffer. We met for the first time in a bar and I was immediately impressed. Mistress Connie, six feet tall, long blond hair, the body of an Amazon, dressed in thigh length boots and a leather mini-skirt, her face angular and severe. She told me right away that she was looking for a true submissive, someone to become her live-in slave, someone she could treat as she wished without any limits. I agreed and the next weekend I moved into her house. She kept me naked and chained in her cellar, bringing me out in the daytime to do her household chores and in the evenings to be punished and humiliated in front of her friends. It was at her hands that I had my first experience of a gang-bang, I was brutally sodomised by a gang of ten guys for several hours during which time Mistress and her female freinds whipped me and insulted me. She introduced me to the delights of "toilet training", I had a daily diet of her urine and excrement which I had to swallow without complaint. Mistress got to know me well, she knew my taste for humiliation was very strong so, if I was a "good boy" during the week, she would reward me by taking me out shopping on Saturday dressed as a schoolgirl. The laughter and derision of the other customers turned me on like crazy and when we arrived back at her house, she would allow me to masturbate in front of her. My masturbation under her supervision was very limited, she allowed me that privilege about once every two weeks under strict conditions. I had to perform in front of her, I had to catch the sperm in the palm of my hand and then lick it up and swallow it. But the aspect I enjoyed most of her dominance over me was the torture. She was an expert, capable of causing horrific pain and each session was longer and more painful than the last. For example, she had a long wooden table in the cellar, made from solid oak, that had been converted so that I could be attached solidly, face up, legs spread wide with my back arched so as to push my genitals upwards, completely available for whatever treatment she wished to inflict on me. At the beginning, she would bind my testicles tightly then beat them with a heavy leather strap or a wooden paddle. Another of her favourite tortures was to fix a vice to one side of the table, put my bound balls into its jaws then tighten it until my balls felt like they would burst. Then, with my wrists fastened securely behind my neck, Mistress would whip my penis with a thin bamboo cane until it was black and swollen. As our relationship developed, Mistress Corinne began to talk about castrating me. The torture became more severe, she would pierce my penis-head and my balls with red-hot needles, burn them with a soldering iron, administer strong electric shocks and slash them with a razor. She talked to me about cutting my balls off, telling me she was going to turn me into a eunuch, make me her she-male, her whore. I longed for her to do it, I wanted to suffer that ultimate pain, to make that final sacrifice to my Goddess, to become her possession for the rest of my life and I often begged her, on my knees and crying like a baby, to allow me the honour of becoming her eunuch. She would torture me psychologically with my desire, at each session of torture she would toy with me, make me beg her to cut me, pretend to do it then laugh at me when I discovered my balls intact, call me names and spit on me. I was forced to admit my desires in front of all her friends as the women thrashed me and the men raped me savagely. Then one day, she told me she was going to perform a test to see if I could support the pain of castration. In the presence of three other women, I was solidly attached to the torture table. Mistress Corinne announced that she was going to cut my nipples off.

She began by making my teats erect, squeezing them, pulling them, one of the other women sucked them gently until they were rock hard. Next she tied lengths of fishing line around the base of each nipple, making them swell painfully. Working slowly, methodically, she pierced each teat right through with red hot needles then cut a cross in the very tips before applying a solution of salt and vinegar in the wounds to accentuate the pain. After a half hour of that treatment, she attached strong crocodile clamps to each nipple which were in turn attached to a pulley in the ceiling and she she slowly turned the wheel to stretch them. I howled in agony as she worked, for over an hour she winched the pulley, my nipples elongated, I begged for mercy. She left me like that for a further two hours and when she returned she completed the final phrase of the torture. Using a blunt razor, she made four small nicks at the base of each nipple, leaving two minutes between each nick, then wound the winch very slowly. Those cuts although not very deep, had the effect of detaching the teats partially so that at each turn of the winch, the flesh began to detach, my nipples were literally ripped from my chest. My left nipple was the first to suddenly detach and she cauterised the wound with a red-hot blade. My right nipple took longer, it lasted another two or three minutes before finally giving out. I was crying like a baby, my chest was on fire but the relief was amazing. I was then obliged to thank her on my knees and she made me eat my nipples in front of her and the other women before allowing me to masturbate. She informed me that day that she considered I was ready for castration and that she would perform the operation, without anaesthetic, in three weeks time. I was overjoyed, finally i was going to be allowed the honour of making the ultimate sacrifice to my Goddess ! But two weeks later Mistress arrived one afternoon with a young of eighteen years old. She brought me up from the cellar, the boy was naked and bound on the living room floor. She announced that she was tired of me, that I was not worthy of her attention, that the boy was fresh, more susceptible to pain and that she had no further use for me. She threw my clothes on the floor, ordered me to get dressed then threw me out on the street.

I was naturally devastated, all my hopes and dreams of total submission and slavery were dashed. Since then I have had several relationships with Masters and Mistresses which lasted from six months to a year each time but I have never found someone prepared to castrate me and take me on as their slave for life. I even considered at one point to try and castrate myself (I regularly practice self-torture on my genitals when I have no-one to dominate me) but I rejected the idea in the end.

I am sorry that this account has been so long and detailed but I found it necessary to explain where I am coming from. My desire for castration and total submission is real, I am prepared to make any sacrifice to arrive at my goal. I launch this appeal in the hope that there is someone, somewhere, who will answer my cry for help and who would be willing to make me suffer that ultimate humiliation.

To finish this appeal, I will give you some personal details to help you decide if you are in any doubt. I am English but I live in France at the moment. However, for someone prepared to seriously take me on, I am prepared to be taken anywhere in the world to serve and suffer at the hands of true sadists for the rest of my life, however long or short that may be ! I am willing to sign a contract giving that person or persons complete control over me if it is considered necessary.

Please, please, please, there must be someone out there who can help me ! I wait with baited breath your reply at my e-mail address : essexval@live.fr

Welcome to 'the zoo'

I believe you will find supportive friends here as you continue your journey.

markle

Welcome to the site. You will find many who can help you with information that you may seek.